I Know Exactly Who My Enemy Really Is

Soldier On
Soldier On (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Today, Sara at Kyllingsara wrote a brutally honest post about me, jealousy, Jesus, and forgiveness. It was, to me, one of the most beautiful posts I’ve ever read. And, as I was sitting here thinking, I thought I’d put a few of my own thoughts down about what this, and the rest of the circus that is going on in my life, really looks like to me.

I really rarely get angry at people. It takes a real maliciousness to bring out that emotion in me, and this is an almost 180 degree change from how I was when I was young. I can remember the moment when I came to realize just who my enemy in this life is…and it was never a human. It was satan.

I am not boasting when I say that I am a very dangerous person to satan’s plans and ambitions, and frankly, some of that was his own fault. I’ve been cauterised emotionally at a really early age, and I’ve literally emotionally, and in some cases physically, been rejected by all the people I’ve loved the most. I have been neglected by those that God gave me as my protectors, and I’ve been my own worst enemy. And through the pain, I’ve only gotten stronger and stronger, because logic dictates to me that satan wouldn’t bother to try so very hard to get rid of me once and for all if I weren’t a problem for him.

I have surrendered completely to Jesus, and as my Shame post indicates, I’ll be obedient even when I don’t want to be. I know I am perceived by the academic atheists, agnostics, and even some of the Christians as simple, naive..silly, as Sara says, but that is when I have to laugh. I am none of these things. Because of Jesus, I am strong, intelligent, still silly sometimes, but also extremely dangerous to the kingdom of hell, but not to other people. People are never my enemies, because most of the time, I can see those familiar fingerprints of satan’s on the situation, and it really was no different in this case with Sara either. I knew when she began to ask spiritual questions, satan would try to remove me from her quickly. So, no. I’m not surprised. I didn’t know what was going on, but I had noticed the distance, and I knew that what I had figured satan would do, he was doing. I am surprised and relieved that Sara rejected his lies…She’s a lot stronger than she thinks. Should she ever join us in our war, she’ll be a general, and twice as dangerous to the kingdom of hell as I am.

The more I search out and surrender to the Lord’s will in my life, I will become even more dangerous. I always know when I’m travelling down the right road…it is always just littered with sniper fire from the enemy. Frankly, I know I’m exactly where I am supposed to be at this point in my life, because I am standing smack in the middle of the Valley of the Shadow of Death. And Jesus is right here next to me. 🙂

I love you, Sara. Cut yourself a break. I knew all along my old enemy wasn’t going to lie passively by about you.

— Bird

 

A Battle-Weary Wife

“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket- safe, dark, motionless, airless–it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable.” C.S. Lewis

I don’t know if there have been truer words spoken about this emotion we call love. As with everything else in my

Women with Broken Heart
Women with Broken Heart (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

life, satan is very good at delivering meaningful, purposeful blows to my life, and he has taken on my marriage recently.

I am no weak person. Through the storms of life, I have been broken and rebuilt by the Great Carpenter, and I have no doubt now that He is in charge. But to say that this isn’t a painful time for me would be a great lie. I find myself vulnerable, unable to erect protective walls against a person I don’t want to be protected against. As each day passes, I am aware that the more this proverbial house burns, the less it will be salvageable. Once the fire has destroyed so much, it then becomes a controlled burn situation, and in order to have a structure there again, it will have to be completely demolished and rebuilt from scratch. I fear that is what will have to happen in my marriage.

I hold on to my Father’s hand in all of this, and beg not for my life to be as I want it to be, but instead, I pray that He does what is necessary to save the one I love…Save him from this world, from the lies satan has told him, and most of all, save him from himself. I’ll be right here with a hammer and nail in my hand, ready to rebuild this love, once God has accomplished His will. But all the while, I know, that without him helping, there will be no rebuilding of anything…I find myself waiting for him to notice the fire…

I am awash with tears, fearful of change, and stubbornly holding on to hope….In other words, I am in yet, another battle. I hope to have my partner join me soon….

— Bird