The Big Day – My Court Hearing

 

Yesterday was just one exhausting day, and it all started with DJ oversleeping, and being late for work. Or so we thought. After the mad scramble, phone calls, and the hustle out the door, I called Chef to tell him I was also running late. The clock said 8am, and I had to be in court by 9am. When he answered the phone, it was obvious that I woke him up, too. After some garbled conversation that I didn’t understand, he pressed upon me the point that it was actually 5am in the morning…lol. Dj, when he was hitting the snooze button, had accidentally changed the time on the clock….LOL!!!!

I sent DJ a text and let him know that he was actually extremely early, and he came back. Poor baby. He was just positive he was going to be fired on his 5th day of work at his new job.

I prayed, read a little from my bible, and then got ready for court. I hate public speaking, and I really hate knowing that I have this power in my hands to make someone else’s life miserable. I hate it. I wrote a few days ago that I’m always suspicious of my motives, so I had the kids and friends pray for God‘s will for Chef. And while I won’t go into the details, suffice it to say, He answered them.

The judge was concerned that I didn’t take what Chef had done as serious as perhaps I should have. I still have problems believing Chef is a danger to me. And that was his only skirt near criticizing me, which didn’t offend  me at all because he is probably right. But I don’t fear death, ever. I look forward to seeing my God, my home, my lost loved ones. I also believe that satan has to have permission from God before my life can be snuffed out, and all the PO’s and self-preservation in the world isn’t going to change the date of my death.

The judge was extremely harsh with Chef, not allowing him to really explain much about his side of the story. Chef is a fantastic public speaker…hands down, the very best I’ve ever seen, and yet the judge wasn’t moved at all by his words. The only thing that really saved Chef from being charged with assault and possibly other more serious charges is that he brought in his paperwork where he had signed up for rehab through the VA. Yay!! Now let’s all pray that he actually goes through with it.

We spent a little time together afterwards — the conditions of his PO do not keep us from contacting each other anymore — and I listened to every single thing that came out of his mouth. Mostly, he was trying to explain how bad his life had become, but I couldn’t really say much about that. I didn’t choose any of this, so I just let him rant, rave, and blame. But at the end of most of these, he would apologize and explain he doesn’t understand why he constantly feels so angry. But whenever I would even mention God, he would go off on a tangent about how all Christians were minions of satan and we all should be shot in the head. Oh, puhhhleeeze! It is hard to stay silent when a person who is cursing God, his wife, his girlfriend, and his children with every other breath, and yet you know full well that there is a minion of satan involved in the conversation, but it wasn’t me.

It is hard to see Chef struggle so hard against God, trying desperately to manipulate anyone and everyone around him to help him clean up his life. And believe you me, if I had the money, I’d be inclined to help him. I have loved him for a long time. But I also know that while I can share some of the meager foods we have with him, or give him $6 for gas money, I am in no position to fix his life. Nor is T, or the kids, and sadly, he has lost all of his good friends and even his mother, who loves him, won’t help him out financially. That is hard to accept when you’ve spent literally decades protecting him from his consequences. I did him no favors. As it has been for our whole marriage, he depends on me to help him instead of God. That is one lesson I’ve learned from all of this very, very well. Stay out of people’s relationships with their God. Period.

The happy thing for me was that I was able to stay calm through those ridiculous diatribes, always reminding myself to a) do not return evil for evil or insult for insult, but give a blessing instead, and b) don’t argue with a fool. Sadly, Chef seems unable to see how his pity party makes him look. I reminded him of all the strong, confident things he’s done over the years, and there was no reason he couldn’t pull himself together again now, but he just wanted a quick fix. There are literally no quick fixes for this kind of damage. Money won’t fix his burned brain, friendships won’t last because he is completely focused on his wants and needs, giving nothing of himself to anyone else. It all makes me feel sympathy for him, but as I drove away from him, I felt that peace again knowing that God had saved me from an even worse nightmare. No way would living with this man be any kind of life with the way he is now.

But I will continue to pray for him, and I will continue to forgive him and T. I will hope that God manifests Himself in Chef’s life in a very powerful and real way. That is all I can do for him anymore.

Thanks to all of you who were praying for us in court. God bless!!!

 

— Bird

 

 

Thanks, God, But I Don’t Think You Understand…

Today, I’m thinking about forgiveness. Not forgiveness for other people, but forgiveness for yourself.

To me, forgiving myself has always been my number one stumbling block. I have no problem forgiving other people for failing me, or God, or other people. Call it a self-esteemissue, or whatever, but I didn’t used to set the

For better self-flagellation...Here's a clue: No matter what you do to yourself, physical or emotional, your blood is worthless. Only Jesus's was worth anything.

bar all that high for my fellow human beings, so when they failed, I almost just expected it. Satan hates us all, and he’s been doing his job a lot longer than any of us have been alive. It would be embarrassing for him if he wasn’t a master at it by now! And I know how much Jesus loves all of us, so it was with heart-felt sincerity that I would lend a hand to lift my brothers and sisters up, dust them off, and encourage them to keep on trucking down their proverbial road.

But that same courtesy just didn’t apply to myself, as I felt that I knew what I was supposed to be doing, feeling, saying…but when I didn’t fulfill whatever it was I thought God wanted of me, I would plunge into a self-hatred, despairing emotional valley, and lick my wounds for days down there. And it was in one of these dark little valleys that Jesus stepped in and shone His light on what was really happening. And you know, He only had to say one word to me for it all to become crystal clear — Pride.

You see, somehow I had elevated myself over other people by thinking that while they were doomed to fail, and Jesus’s sacrifice was complete and perfect for them, somehow God expected more from me…why? Because I was better? Because I was special? And then I would fail and fail and fail. I’d hide away in my little pity party, refusing to be comforted, refusing to answer my God’s voice. And by hiding down in my valley, feeling sorry for myself, I was telling Jesus, “Hey, thanks for dying on the cross and all, but Your sacrifice just wasn’t good enough to cover my sins.” What a big, fat lie from satan, and he snuck it past my ever vigilant brain quite easily.

I deal with my shortcomings differently now, by focusing on how Jesus taught us to pray. I am always paying attention to those tiny little voices that try to convince me that I have something to be proud of…pride is too easily introduced to me, so I pay very close attention to anything that would let satan slip that one past my guards. And when I pray, I embrace the humility of being an imperfect child of God, and then forgive myself, not giving it more importance than any other sin should be given. Jesus was pretty clear in His Word, even our good works are like dirty rags to God. Nothing to be all that proud of down here… 🙂

So, today, I’m starting out my day by asking God’s forgiveness for my ever-present failings, and then I’m forgiving myself right after, and I’m going to start my day with a fresh slate — both in God’s eyes, and my own.

Hope everyone has the best day of their lives today!

— Bird

Today I wrote this What’s In A Name? at 20 Lines A Day about how I insulted a biker… 🙂