Castles In The Sky

0516225904I’m not okay right now.

I grew up in an atmosphere of everyone looking out for themselves. All five kids learned to not become too vulnerable to anyone. Help was neither offered nor expected. We dealt with our own problems and maybe we each became somewhat empowered by our lack of needing anyone else emotionally. Of course, when things happen to us that just require a helping hand from someone else, it takes an act of God to get us to the point where we will accept it. Sometimes, like now, I think I’ve waited too long.

I was a lonely, abused, unhappy kid, which ironically, went completely against my natural personality. I think I know myself pretty well, and I always seem to try to find the silver lining in whatever sewage-filled problem I find myself in. Maybe I’m an optimistic person, or maybe I’m just trying to tread emotional waters so I don’t get overwhelmed by just how lonely life can be. I’m faced right now with the insecurities of a little girl who put an absent father on a pedestal so high in her sad little mind, that having to look the realities of who both my dad and I really are is just wiping me out.

I don’t know if my dad really knows me, much less if he even likes me. He’s always said he did, but he was busy with his own life the last 45 years of mine, and the effort to really involve me in his life just isn’t there. Now, with this brain damage and his inability to really filter himself, he’s treating me harshly. My mind knows that this is not really the same man I’ve called Dad forever, but the insecure little girl that seems to live on somewhere inside of me is grieving. Like Chef, I had been happy to build castles in the sky and live in them, but they proved to be just lies I wanted to believe.

Ever since Chef cheated on me, I’ve been living behind these walls in my heart. I don’t let any men get too close, and I find that I am even shutting out my kids to some degree. I recognize where I am. This numb place in my heart is where I lived for years. I won’t get hurt here, but I won’t be happy either.

I need a little help. I’m sad.

~ Bird


Making Friends and Influencing People

funny_roommate_notes_7Barring anything weird, it looks like Dad is going to make it.

In my family’s case, that isn’t saying much. 🙂  I’m pretty sure, though, that he’s out of the woods. The doctors look about as happy as I do. That’s always a good sign.

I want to thank you all for your thoughts and prayers. Obviously, they worked magnificently! Thank you, thank you, thank you! Dad has been properly awake for less than twenty-four hours and already he’s demanded a Coke, ogled his nurse, and swore when they wouldn’t untie his hands. In other words, welcome back , Dad!

Because of Dad’s health, he’s going to be staying with me. I am psyched! I haven’t lived with Dad since I was 5 so I am nervous about it too. I have a pretty strong will myself, coupled with the Originator of Said Will, and I can see where things might get a little rocky. Still, I’m going to remain positive. After all, he had heart surgery and I can still out run him.

Yesterday, I went out to his rented room and scooped up most of his earthly possessions. A little bird had informed me that all of his weirdo room mates were pilfering his stuff and I needed to go out there and save what I could. The little nest of misfits were taken off guard by my arrival, and after a thorough walk-through, I was able to save most of it, except the car. I’m not a coward, and I’m not afraid of confrontation. They never stood a chance as I marched into rooms, pointing out his laptop, his television set, his check books, etc. Dj had my back, and we used the element of surprise to gather back what belonged to Dad. All except the car, that is. No one was forthcoming on where his car keys were. First they kept giving us bogus keys, and then when we started to hot wire the thing, they suddenly had different stories…they had bought the car, and another was that Dad had given them the car. Oh Puhleeezee!!

It would seem they had requisitioned Dad’s car, thinking he wouldn’t notice, I guess. I have the title, so it wasn’t all that urgent to make them turn over the keys, but I did make it inoperable. I don’t need any tweakers driving around in my dad’s car. I pulled every single fuse out of it. I think Ernie would be pretty proud of me. They’re very unhappy with my decision, and have threatened to tell my dad when he wakes up. It would seem I know more about cars than they do. I’m just hoping they don’t pull the engine apart trying to figure out what I did.

So, for the first time in 40 years, someone is going to tell my dad on me. I’m kind of excited!!

🙂   I wonder if they realize I’m 45 years old, and telling my Daddy isn’t going to get my panties in a bunch? I’m pretty sure Dad is going to be happy I have his back. If not, he can ground me for a week. Either way, the car is going nowhere until he gets out.

This morning the phone started going off at 6 am. I was informed by the Leader of The Room Mates that they were all (there seems to be dozens of them) going to go to the hospital and tattle on me to Dad. After all, I had broken his car.

I could only chuckle. They live an hour away in the middle of No Where, located right next to Nothing, and miles away from Zilch, Nada, Nuttin’.

I asked him if they planned to float to Austin on their magic carpet. For a few seconds, there was only silence on the phone. Then he hung up.

I haven’t heard a peep out of them since. 🙂

I informed the hospital that a large group of twitchy people might show up, and I didn’t want Dad bothered. Luckily, I’ve made friends with the nursing director, so even if the roommates take a Magic Carpet Ride, it will do them no good. Dad’s relatives are the only ones allowed in until further notice.

I’m just making all kinds of friends around here!

— Bird