I grew up in an atmosphere of everyone looking out for themselves. All five kids learned to not become too vulnerable to anyone. Help was neither offered nor expected. We dealt with our own problems and maybe we each became somewhat empowered by our lack of needing anyone else emotionally. Of course, when things happen to us that just require a helping hand from someone else, it takes an act of God to get us to the point where we will accept it. Sometimes, like now, I think I’ve waited too long.
I was a lonely, abused, unhappy kid, which ironically, went completely against my natural personality. I think I know myself pretty well, and I always seem to try to find the silver lining in whatever sewage-filled problem I find myself in. Maybe I’m an optimistic person, or maybe I’m just trying to tread emotional waters so I don’t get overwhelmed by just how lonely life can be. I’m faced right now with the insecurities of a little girl who put an absent father on a pedestal so high in her sad little mind, that having to look the realities of who both my dad and I really are is just wiping me out.
I don’t know if my dad really knows me, much less if he even likes me. He’s always said he did, but he was busy with his own life the last 45 years of mine, and the effort to really involve me in his life just isn’t there. Now, with this brain damage and his inability to really filter himself, he’s treating me harshly. My mind knows that this is not really the same man I’ve called Dad forever, but the insecure little girl that seems to live on somewhere inside of me is grieving. Like Chef, I had been happy to build castles in the sky and live in them, but they proved to be just lies I wanted to believe.
Ever since Chef cheated on me, I’ve been living behind these walls in my heart. I don’t let any men get too close, and I find that I am even shutting out my kids to some degree. I recognize where I am. This numb place in my heart is where I lived for years. I won’t get hurt here, but I won’t be happy either.
I need a little help. I’m sad.