Missing My Children

1933951_140258129052_1153159_nFor the last couple of weeks, my son has been in Missouri handling the consequences of bad decisions he made as a teenager. There is an end in sight, but it still feels like he won’t be home for ages. Rebekkah and I go through the motions of daily life, but the void is always there, hiding in everything we say and do. W

cait-and-djMother’s Day is almost upon us, and at work, I hosted a Mother’s Day Photo Contest. Surprisingly, the thing didn’t really take off until I told one person that she could enter her deceased mother’s picture. A good percentage of the entrants have mothers who have passed away, and they write touching tributes to these women who meant so much to them. For a silly marketing thing, it took on a little more reverent feel after that. rebekkah

caitlynToday, while I was uploading the entries from overnight, I realized, I miss my kids so much right now. Yes, Rebekkah is still here with me, but I haven’t seen Caitlyn for several years, and it feels like DJ has been gone forever too. What will I do when Rebekkah is off doing whatever it is that physic majors do? It can’t be much longer before DJ has his own family to support, and Caitlyn is about to be deployed overseas…again. I get a little DJpang of sadness over losing my marriage, because I would have had Chef to comfort my empty arms, but that is gone now too.

I know it is a time to honor mothers, but in my case, it was the awesomeness of myBug children that made me the mother I was. If I’m a good mother, it was simply because I had the best of children.

I love you, kids. I miss you, Bug & Dj. Please come visit your old mom soon!



To My Prodigal Daughter, B….

empire-total-war-games-game-hd-gamesTo My Beautiful Young Daughter, B:

I spoke to Rebekkah today, and the heaviness I feel in my heart for you and the children is beyond any words I could string together. I want so badly to sweep in and fix all of this for you, but sadly, I can’t.

I learned only too well the futility of trying to stop the train wreck that you have found your life speeding towards. I know no one can save you but yourself. That said, no one but God is going to be able to stop all that is about to go wrong. Oh, baby!!

Let me only share with you something I think you might not understand.

Addiction is a cancerous disease. It neither springs up overnight nor does it kill its victim so quickly, without time to suffer. Instead, it lies to its victim. It tells you that it is only a little relief, just a little bump to get over this bad time. It lets you walk away, determined to leave it behind, because it knows more than you do, just how easily it can have you back again. It gives you acceptable excuses to use first on yourself, and then to offer to others. It slips silently into a position of control in your life, and dislodging it is almost impossible without help.

As days turn into months, and then years go by, the lie is not so easily hidden, and the addict finds shadowthemselves in slavery to it. And even worse, its presence in our lives turns us against ourselves as well. Now willing slaves, we concede to allow things done to us that are purely evil, all because deep inside, we hate ourselves. We hate our weakness. We hate our behaviors. We hate those who use us as tools for things we can never utter to another person. We hate the innocent people in our lives we know we are hurting. We feel forsaken by anything good, and even worse, we accept that as what we deserve because of how awful we are.

Baby, I hope you know that we are always here for you when you finally decide you can’t take anymore. I have not bought into any of these lies you now believe. You are fearfully and wonderfully made, and no one, including yourself, should treat you with any less dignity than the next person. You have lost your way, but you have people praying for you constantly, and while you may find it hard to believe, God has not forsaken you.

You pull yourself together and think logically long enough to do what you is best for the children. You’d be amazed at how much that one act of selflessness will bring you some hope. In the meantime, we will wait for our prodigal daughter to return to us, and we’ll all be so glad to have you back.





Note: B is one of my stepdaughters, but as you can see, she hold her own place in our hearts, blood or no. Please, please. Pray for my lost little girl.