Recently, I decided to quit smoking. I have some health issues, and the smoking isn’t helping. Not too long ago, I began taking Chantix to help me stop, and for the last several days, the side effect — vivid dreams — seems to be causing an unintended side effect. Added with some pretty serious stress, I find myself having to take inventory and resolve how I feel about some things. Grief over matters left undone and words unspoken.
I’ve documented rather thoroughly the grief over losing Chef here, but there are other wounds, while less traumatic, that tend to haunt me from time to time. This week, I’ve had to wound someone already profusely wounded by so many other things, to keep from hurting him even more. I’ve had to cut off an old friend who had proved himself disloyal when I needed a real friend so badly. It was hard to learn the lesson that just because you’ve forgiven someone doesn’t mean they instantly regain your trust. And without trust, there is always going to be a weakness in the foundation of your friendship. I can’t build anything with anyone I can’t trust, despite whether I’ve forgiven them or not. Probably more so for me than most people. If I can’t trust you, I don’t want to know you.
And you just can’t make yourself trust someone you just don’t trust. It’s like trying to make yourself not know something you already know well.
I’ve had to accept that there really is no justice in this world, and I’ve suffered at the hands of people who misuse their authority and enjoy inflicting pain on others.And yet God still expects me to be faithful to His commandments, even if the other person refuses to be guided by them. I am not excused just because the other person deserves my wrath. I don’t want what I deserve; therefore, I can’t dish out to others what I think they deserve.
I’ve found myself increasingly exhausted by life in general lately, and that is always a bad place to find oneself.
Sometimes, life is just so hard.
Sometimes, life is a pure bitch, really.
But always, life is about just that minute you are in. It’s about knowing that while everything seems so out of balance and hopeless right now, tomorrow will bring in something new that will change the way life will feel to you later. It’s understanding that we should never allow our emotions to have so much control we base our future on them. As we all are doing, I’m learning from each day. Hope. like water or air, is infinitely important to our ability to live, and understanding that is necessary.
Today is a bad day.
Tomorrow carries with it infinite hope that all of this will resolve itself, one way or another, in time.
I hope life is better tomorrow, and that will carry me through today.