Sometimes, Life is Bonafide Bitch

hit like a bitchRecently, I decided to quit smoking. I have some health issues, and the smoking isn’t helping. Not too long ago, I began taking Chantix to help me stop, and for the last several days, the side effect — vivid dreams — seems to be causing an unintended side effect. Added with some pretty serious stress, I find myself having to take inventory and resolve how I feel about some things. Grief over matters left undone and words unspoken.

I’ve documented rather thoroughly the grief over losing Chef here, but there are other wounds, while less traumatic, that tend to haunt me from time to time. This week, I’ve had to wound someone already profusely wounded by so many other things, to keep from hurting him even more. I’ve had to cut off an old friend who had proved himself disloyal when I needed a real friend so badly. It was hard to learn the lesson that just because you’ve forgiven someone doesn’t mean they instantly regain your trust. And without trust, there is always going to be a weakness in the foundation of your friendship. I can’t build anything with anyone I can’t trust, despite whether I’ve forgiven them or not. Probably more so for me than most people. If I can’t trust you, I don’t want to know you.

And you just can’t make yourself trust someone you just don’t trust. It’s like trying to make yourself not know something you already know well.

I’ve had to accept that there really is no justice in this world, and I’ve suffered at the hands of people who misuse their authority and enjoy inflicting pain on others.And yet God still expects me to be faithful to His commandments, even if the other person refuses to be guided by them. I am not excused just because the other person deserves my wrath. I don’t want what I deserve; therefore, I can’t dish out to others what I think they deserve.

I’ve found myself increasingly exhausted by life in general lately, and that is always a bad place to find oneself. hope

Sometimes, life is just so hard.

Sometimes, life is a pure bitch, really.

But always, life is about just that minute you are in. It’s about knowing that while everything seems so out of balance and hopeless right now, tomorrow will bring in something new that will change the way life will feel to you later. It’s understanding that we should never allow our emotions to have so much control we base our future on them. As we all are doing, I’m learning from each day. Hope. like water or air, is infinitely important to our ability to live, and understanding that is necessary.

Today is a bad day.

Tomorrow carries with it infinite hope that all of this will resolve itself, one way or another, in time.

I hope life is better tomorrow, and that will carry me through today.

~ Bird

13 responses to “Sometimes, Life is Bonafide Bitch”

  1. I’m sending you a hug cuz you’ve given me so many. Yes today is a bad day and we’ve made it this far..we just have to keep putting one foot in front of the other. Some days ya just skip down the street..but then there are days like today when it takes everything in you just to breathe..Can’t promise tomorrow will get any better, but hell we still gotta try.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I’m having one of those days today as well. Actually it’s been about a week now. Trying to get our house ready to sell with aging bodies makes me feel useless. I just want to collapse and say forget about it. But we push on because we know it’s the right thing to do and God will give us the strength we need to accomplish it. As Scarlet O’Hara said, “Tomorrow is another day.” Hang in there.

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  3. Please, please, please be careful with the Chantix Bird. I took those as a last resort recently and was fine for the first two weeks or so but then came the dreams and hallucinations and a start on depression so low you’d need a ladder to get out. I got out and I’m fine but some people do have a very bad reaction.
    Look after yourself and let yourself be looked after b those who mean you well.
    xxx Massive Hugs xxx

    Liked by 1 person

  4. How are you doing?

    I quit smoking over ten years ago (fourth try). I don’t regret it at all! Cold turkey is the only way a far as I am concerned.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. I really enjoyed reading this. It is something I struggle with alot… I have trouble with allowing people I love to mistreat me terribly and all they ever have to do is say “Im sorry” and of course I force myself to go through it all again, and of course they know this! How can I learn to let go of those I can not trust? How do I begin to put myself and my feeling before theirs? Love has always been my greatest gift, I would even say my strongest trait but it is also what always ends up causing the pain. I commend you. Thank you for sharing!! I am also considering Chantix. Do you feel that it helps you enough to tolerate the negative side effects?? Best wishes and God bless you.

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  6. I stopped three and a half years ago after numerous false starts, I ended up doing it cold turkey but the thing I made sure to do was spend some of the money I was saving from stopping on me, I actually use it to fund my beauty box subscription. I obviously don’t know how many you smoke or how much it costs but the way I got my head round it was to think if someone gave you ten dollars and a lighter every day and told you to set fire to it you would think they were crazy but that is basically what we do when we smoke so everytime I wanted one I visualised setting fire to money and the other things I could buy for me and my family with it 😀

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