So, this weekend was Valentine’s Day. No. I wasn’t sad. I was, however, ….reflective.
In all parts of my life, I’m healing. Financially, I’m set. I’ve been putting things up in my apartment, settling in. I see my father about once a week. Yesterday, he brought my a sweet little cake for the holiday, and took me out to eat. Mentally and emotionally, I’m peaceful. At work, I’m happy. Things are going well.
But when it comes to love, I’m just so far from being okay, it isn’t even funny. I don’t give myself much of a hard time about this anymore. I obviously am capable of loving someone. I just am not interested in that kind of relationship these days.
A person asked me a few days ago if I consider myself a loving and caring person. He was trolling the internet for a woman, so his question was infinitely inappropriate, and I didn’t bother answering him, but the question stuck. Am I loving? Am I caring? Hmm. I don’t really know if those are the phrases I could use to describe myself. Not anymore.
His question would surface occasionally throughout my whole weekend, until finally, yesterday, I answered it. The truth is, I am a loving person...if I love you. I am a caring person…if I care about you. On the whole, I’m kind. I’m gentle. I’m polite. But these are surface things I am with everyone I interact with. If you want something deeper from me, it takes time and work. I am hard to get close to. I don’t do that on purpose. It is second nature, and it wasn’t my horrible break-up that made me that way. I’ve always been somewhat reserved when it comes to people I don’t know. I’m quiet, unless I am comfortable with you. People’s opinions matter only on the sliding scale of how much I respect that person. The trolling guy was annoyed by his inability to get me to act like a silly school girl, and that only made me chuckle a little. I didn’t care that he had decided to reject me. I’d already rejected him.
People are infinitely complicated, but can one truly be loving towards people we don’t love? Can we be caring towards people we don’t care about? I don’t think that is possible, do you?
The truth is, I’m okay with how I am right now. There’s always room for improvement, and I will always strive to be a little better today than I was yesterday. But more importantly, I want to be an honest person. I want to understand my weaknesses as well as my strengths. I want to be someone people trust when they need to know the truth. To me, that outranks being known as a caring and loving person.
That’s my thoughts on this matter.