Sometimes we fall into a blindness about something we say we believe in. For instance, most Christians will tell you they trust the Lord. But when the storms come, they sink straight to the bottom, never once being able to take even one real step on the water. Say what you will about Peter, but he walked further on the water than any of the rest of us.
I learned that one the hard way myself.
Over the last few years, I’ve learned to actually to trust the Lord. It isn’t just something I learned to say because I’m a Christian, and we’re supposed to.
Well, I’m learning another one. This one is that the Lord provides.
Anyone who has been following this blog since Chef and I split up knows, things have been rough financially. I seriously had some scary moments. But along the way, I also had people like Victoria, Kim, friends at Stand-By Personnel, and now, Exodus, who were instrumental in helping me overcome some pretty steep obstacles.
I’ve been praying for my own place for a month now, and without going into much detail, let’s just say, it was less praying and more begging. Then, suddenly, I find myself in a position where having my own home isn’t only an option anymore, but a necessity. I was freaked. I prayed, and He immediately answered. Of course, it took me over a week to stop fighting with Him about the method He provided for me.
I have always hated depending on the kindness of anyone…Always!! Chef was a fantastic provider, and we often were able to help other people. The first real time we actually needed help, it came in the form of a fellow Bandido named Red Dog. I have a couple of really good memories about him, and maybe one day I’ll share them. But it was a very limited amount of help because Chef and I got on our feet again rather quickly. Nothing like what I’ve been experiencing.
I don’t want to go into details about who is doing what for me. That isn’t the point of this post. The point is about a revelation I had driving to work yesterday. I realized, I say I believe the Lord will provide for me, and I do believe that. But somehow, I always expected His help to come in the form of money falling from the sky, or an inheritance from an unknown relative, or even by me getting a raise at work. He never, ever does it that way for me. He uses His other servants to bail me out. And that part is hard for me to take. It’s humiliating. It always carries with it the chance that a friendship might be damaged or destroyed because it involves money. And frankly, my pride genuinely hates being everybody’s “Poor Friend”.
Today, I’m reminded that Jesus Was A Homeless Man, and while I am pretty sure what He felt and what I’m feeling are very, very different (as I’m not half deity and can’t turn water into wine just for the fun of it), it was unlikely I was going to ever be able to make it through this period of my life without needing to depend on other people. Jesus did. He stayed in other people’s’ homes, ate at their tables, borrowed their donkeys. He didn’t allow pride to refuse help God had set there in his path just for Him. I don’t get to by-pass needing other people either.
So, I’m now rejecting the pride and fear, and merely accepting that the Lord knows I can’t repay these debts to those helping me, but since they are on His payroll, they will be blessed more than I ever could anyways. ( Unless I win the Lotto. Then I’m going to try to rival Him!)
…31“Do not worry then, saying, ‘What will we eat?’ or ‘What will we drink?’ or ‘What will we wear for clothing?’ 32“For the Gentiles eagerly seek all these things; for your heavenly Father knows that you need all these things. 33“But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.… Matthew 6:31-33