A few weeks ago, Chef told me that my blog had been introduced in a custody case between his new girlfriend and her ex-husband. I did some checking, spoke to some people, and no, it was not. However, it had been brought up by one side’s attorney and shown to the other side’s attorney as some kind of proof that substantiated some claims by someone else, and …. yada, yada. Believe me. I got lost in that sentence too.
So, I was faced with a decision.
I obviously don’t feel like I was as harsh on Chef as I could have been, and even after returning to read post after post after post about him and what he was doing to our relationship, I still feel like I was pretty fair. I was telling the truth. The really problematic stuff for him has been barely grazed by my writings. I have alluded to even darker experiences, but I have not boldly written about them. I do try to keep in mind that while Chef did things that were so painful for me, he is not the devil reincarnate. He is whole person, too, just like all of us are and while all of this was going on, his horrible behaviors were what I was focused on. They aren’t the sum total of who he is as a person, though.
I don’t know if his long stint with a drug he was allergic to has changed his personality, or if I was just rocking my rose-colored glasses for twenty years so well, I basically had been playing with an imaginary friend all this time.
Chef is very different from the way I perceived him all those years. We don’t see each other very often, though from time to time, we will have a text conversation. Invariably, those texts start out okay and go straight to hell from there. My attempts to console him are always met with rage, and I have pretty much left off giving him any type of advice at all. I have accepted the fact that we can’t hear each other anymore. I am not saying what he wants me to say, and he isn’t saying what I want to hear either.
Chef is struggling with a deep bitterness, and my heart does hurt for him. I want so much for him to understand how powerful a humble heart really is; how acknowledging your darkest failures and exposing them to the light instantly will inoculate you from the shame of being found out. A person who stands before others with no excuses but admits to being wrong and offers only an apology has literally taken the sting out of any further accusation made against him. And should he be rejected by some for his admissions, many people will find a man willing to humble himself in their eyes a person more trustworthy than most. By removing the stain of deceit that people tend to cloak unacceptable sins with, and expressing a sincere remorse, a quiet bond is formed between the forgiver and the forgiven. Sadly, Chef is trying to deal with his losses a different way, and it makes me sad for him.
I have changed some things up on my site. However, to remove anything and everything that relates to Chef would be impossible. I feel like the story was a good one to tell, and I had the right to tell it. It is, after all, the story of Chef and Bird. But as far as his drug use, I know he graduated from rehab a few months ago, and I have no knowledge whatsoever if he is using again or not. Even if he were, since he is not part of my life anymore, I wouldn’t bother writing about it on here.
I doubt my blog can be used in court to prove something like this, but just in case, as of today, I have no idea what he is doing, who he is doing it with, or anything about this court case other than what the public court records contain in them. I think trying to use the blog of a brokenhearted woman who was being cheated on after 20 years with her husband, is stretching it legally. I imagine they would at least need to talk to me in person first to make sure I’m not a total whack job who just happens to have a talent for writing.
My guess is that Chef is annoyed my blog came up. He has always thought only a few friends and family would ever find the thing. Because people I don’t know knew about it, and printed off stuff I’d written, he suddenly found himself having to read it to find out what they were talking about. I’ve written over 400 posts in this thing, and Chef hates to read. Let’s just say, he isn’t impressed with my writing ability.
He assures me that had the roles been reversed and I had been having an affair, he would have shown me the decency of not writing about my mistakes on a blog.
- Not the decency to not lie to our friends about me not being on medications and being a ranting lunatic when no one was around.
- Not the decency to have me removed from the club and the only friends I had at the time by saying I was sleeping with another club member, who happened to be your best friend.
- Not the decency to not move this girl in to my home, give her my jewelry, write her letters claiming you only stayed with me because of the kids, and that you never loved me.
- Not the decency to be honest with me about anything, including me moving back home after Christmas or the Amarillo trip.
- Not the decency to be understanding about the kids and their inability to desert their mother.
- Not the decency to not call the cops on your own daughter.
- Not the decency to even be sorry for all that you did right now, while you are supposedly making your amends and completely sober.
Somehow, I think he’s full of it.However, I will do the decent thing in this case for him, even he never did for me.
Except for that little rant at the end, I write this post for Chef to use in refute of any drug accusations that might come up in court. The rant part was all me, for me, because I got worked up with indignation at his statement. 🙂
PS: I do have to wonder, though. How many people are there out in the world that has someone writing a blog about them? Adulterous, hot affairs. Angry wives, wrathful husbands. Corrupt business partners. Secret stuff for people to find on the internet. I’ll bet there are butts puckering all over the world!!!
16 responses to “Decency In Action”
This is a fine line I Find myself struggling with too in wanting to write about things going on but not wanting to put someone else on blast who has no say so in the matter… but it’s my blog and my story and my life… but I still hesitate and question what’s ok at this point and what’s not. I stay vague and focused on my side and my feelings rather than his details but it’s a tough balance to find.
I’m not really sure if I shared too much or not either. I have read other people’s blogs, and I can honestly say, I could have been a whole lot worse.
Yeah I think we always can. While I feel the need to shield and protect, I also think that if everyone did that and no one ever wrote the hard truth, people wouldn’t heal. It would rob the world of knowing there are others out there in similarvsiruations and they got theough to the other side. If we never gave details or spoke the truth, neither we nor anyone else would find freedom from it.
Bird, it sounds to me as though you are processing here. I’ve followed you for quite a while now, and from this end, it seems to me as though you have acted with integrity. You have given Chef access to everything, and you know, he could have responded, and my guess is that you would have let him have the floor.
Deep pain often produces some of the most instructive guidance, and I think you have gone out of your way to make sure that is the point of the whole Chef/Bird narrative. Have you torched some things along the way? Perhaps. But this only adds to the authentic, heartwrenching truthfulness of your account.
Chef destroyed some of the things that are closest to a woman’s heart-intimacy, relationships with children, public relationships, material goods- honestly, any normal woman would have been at least tempted to wreak some actual havoc, instead of virtual.
I would be utterly flabbergasted if any of your writings damaged Chef legally in any way. I suppose it’s possible, but your disclaimer there was sound, I would think. And if he’s changed his errant ways from the past? More power to him. Perhaps he’ll be decent this go ’round. I doubt it , but what do I know. Perhaps he’s reformed from who he was, then your blog might be used to his benefit- a sort of “Look! Your honor! I used to be a complete jackass! Now I’m Man of the Year!” Whatever. In the meantime, please do not lose sight of the hundreds and hundreds of women you have really helped out a lot over this hard time, because of this hard time. I am among them, and remain,
You made me cry , Vic. Thank you.
When I write my posts, I include as little as possible about my ex, leaving in just enough to tell the story, but not enough to bash him. During our marriage, he did way too much of that, telling his tale of woe to any woman who would listen. I’d like to think I’m better than him.
Well, I can honestly say I behaved better than he did. But only because he set the bar really, really, really low.
Ah Bird . .I’m so thankful for all the supportive and wonderful comments you are getting. I just had to comment on the P.S. note you added at the end. I will be laughing for weeks, if not months, over butts puckering!!!! LOL! Thank you for being you!
Ditto what Victoria said. And to add to that you can always do a disclaimer post like I did regarding the ex-narc. I did write that what I wrote is the truth and is a part of my life story. You can also add that it is your personal story and it is copywritten and not part of may be reproduced for any manner, legal or otherwise without your express permission. That way if anyone did attempt to you in court they would have to ask you first and you could say yay or nay. And if anyone uses without your permission than let’s say Chef can get documentaion from you that you did not give persmission–and therefore the blog can not be used as any kind of evidence. I think you can do that. And that leads me to my favorite all time quote by Anne Lamont, “If people wanted you to write warmly about them, they should have behaved better.”
Oh, I love the quote!!!
I inserted a copyright disclaimer like you mentioned. I hadn’t thought of that. Thanks, Ivonne!
In all things, be honest, I always say, and in all things, make sure you do it in love, the Bible says! Any of your posts I’ve read about Chef, including this one, may be angry at times, but that’s expected, yet I always feel you’re being both honest and loving too.
I want to thank you for helping ME now. What you said about “acknowledging your darkest failures…” and what that achieves is exactly what I needed. I had to write my MOST humbling blog this week after I made an IMMENSE faux pas, on Facebook, of all places (and MY page is a public one!!). I’ve spent most of the week as if in a waking nightmare, descending into paranoia that every single person who looks at Facebook now knows what a sicko I am.
So you’re helping more than just the hurting jilted people! Thanks again. 🙂
Oh, and I’m gonna steal something from your page too – that e-card!!
You poor thing! Don’t fret! I imagine most of us have walked a mile in those embarrassing shoes. At least, I know I have! I’m glad something I wrote reminded you of how surprisingly easy it is to remove the power of a secret. We always assume everyone will take it so much worse than they normally do. I will check out your humbling post in a bit. I doubt you could shock me, so relax, and enjoy your wonderful day!
Now hun you know me, I don’t believe in sugar coating things and while I would imagine your blog would be classed as hearsay and inadmissible in court, their is a simple rule that chef and his tart (my word, not yours and that is me attempting to be restrained given your other readers) should have abided by and it is simple ‘if you can’t do the crime don’t do the crime’ of course her hubby is not going to want his kids around someone who is or has been doing drugs, if they honestly can’t understand that they should both be tested to check what they are still on, if she has to make a choice between Chef and her kids, well honestly if she even has to think about that then she doesn’t deserve them. You have said nothing wrong, infact you have remained far more understanding than most of us would have in your part, hell if I had been you I would have dragged her arse into your divorce and given her ex more than enough ammunition, Chef ought to be on his knees thanking his lucky stars he has such a considerate ex because trust he hell hath no fury and he has not tasted the maelstrom he could have found himself in.
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