Decency In Action

A few weeks ago, Chef told me that my blog had been introduced in a custody case between his new girlfriend and her ex-husband. I did some checking, spoke to some people, and no, it was not. However, it had been brought up by one side’s attorney and shown to the other side’s attorney as some kind of proof that substantiated some claims by someone else, and …. yada, yada. Believe me. I got lost in that sentence too.

So, I was faced with a decision.

I obviously don’t feel like I was as harsh on Chef as I could have been, and even after returning to read post after post after post about him and what he was doing to our relationship, I still feel like I was pretty fair. I was telling the truth. The really problematic stuff for him has been barely grazed by my writings. I have alluded to even darker experiences, but I have not boldly written about them. I do try to keep in mind that while Chef did things that were so painful for me, he is not the devil reincarnate. He is whole person, too, just like all of us are and while all of this was going on, his horrible behaviors were what I was focused on. They aren’t the sum total of who he is as a person, though.

I don’t know if his long stint with a drug he was allergic to has changed his personality, or if I was just rocking my rose-colored glasses for twenty years so well, I basically had been playing with an imaginary friend all this time.

Chef is very different from the way I perceived him all those years. We don’t see each other very often, though from time to time, we will have a text conversation. Invariably, those texts start out okay and go straight to hell from there. My attempts to console him are always met with rage, and I have pretty much left off giving him any type of advice at all. I have accepted the fact that we can’t hear each other anymore. I am not saying what he wants me to say, and he isn’t saying what I want to hear either.

Chef is struggling with a deep bitterness, and my heart does hurt for him. I want so much for him to understand how powerful a humble heart really is; how acknowledging your darkest failures and exposing them to the light instantly will inoculate you from the shame of being found out. A person who stands before others with no excuses but admits to being wrong and offers only an apology has literally taken the sting out of any further accusation made against him. And should he be rejected by some for his admissions, many people will find a man willing to humble himself in their eyes a person more trustworthy than most. By removing the stain of deceit that people tend to cloak unacceptable sins with, and expressing a sincere remorse, a quiet bond is formed between the forgiver and the forgiven. Sadly, Chef is trying to deal with his losses a different way, and it makes me sad for him.

I have changed some things up on my site. However, to remove anything and everything that relates to Chef would be impossible. I feel like the story was a good one to tell, and I had the right to tell it. It is, after all, the story of Chef and Bird. But as far as his drug use, I know he graduated from rehab a few months ago, and I have no knowledge whatsoever if he is using again or not. Even if he were, since he is not part of my life anymore, I wouldn’t bother writing about it on here.

I doubt my blog can be used in court to prove something like this, but just in case, as of today, I have no idea what he is doing, who he is doing it with, or anything about this court case other than what the public court records contain in them. I think trying to use the blog of a brokenhearted woman who was being cheated on after 20 years with her husband, is stretching it legally. I imagine they would at least need to talk to me in person first to make sure I’m not a total whack job who just happens to have a talent for writing.

My guess is that Chef is annoyed my blog came up. He has always thought only a few friends and family would ever find the thing. Because people I don’t know knew about it, and printed off stuff I’d written, he suddenly found himself having to read it to find out what they were talking about. I’ve written over 400 posts in this thing, and Chef hates to read. Let’s just say, he isn’t impressed with my writing ability.

He assures me that had the roles been reversed and I had been having an affair, he would have shown me the decency of not writing about my mistakes on a blog.

• Not the decency to not lie to our friends about me not being on medications and being a ranting lunatic when no one was around.
• Not the decency to have me removed from the club and the only friends I had at the time by saying I was sleeping with another club member, who happened to be your best friend.
• Not the decency to not move this girl in to my home, give her my jewelry, write her letters claiming you only stayed with me because of the kids, and that you never loved me.
• Not the decency to be honest with me about anything, including me moving back home after Christmas or the Amarillo trip.
• Not the decency to be understanding about the kids and their inability to desert their mother.
• Not the decency to not call the cops on your own daughter.
• Not the decency to even be sorry for all that you did right now, while you are supposedly making your amends and completely sober.

Somehow, I think he’s full of it.However, I will do the decent thing in this case for him, even he never did for me.

Except for that little rant at the end, I write this post for Chef to use in refute of any drug accusations that might come up in court. The rant part was all me, for me, because I got worked up with indignation at his statement. 🙂

~ Bird

PS: I do have to wonder, though. How many people are there out in the world that has someone writing a blog about them? Adulterous, hot affairs. Angry wives, wrathful husbands. Corrupt business partners. Secret stuff for people to find on the internet. I’ll bet there are butts puckering all over the world!!!