The Difference One Year Can Make

I got some happy news today…. they are taking my dad completely off of sedation tomorrow! Last time they did this, he came back pretty clear mentally, so to say we’re excited would be a gigantic understatement. I’m hoping he hasn’t suffered any strokes from the blood clots they found, but he’s moving all of his limbs freely, so it would seem he is probably fine. Tomorrow will tell…

It was a pretty cool week. I got to spend time with an old friend who had been going through the same marital hell I was experiencing at the same time I was experiencing it. There’s something comforting in knowing that you reacted pretty much the same way someone else did. The fears for the future were the same as well, and I felt like we understood something that not everyone in the world would… It seemed tantamount to showing each other the scars from wounds we’d suffered in different battles of the same war. There was no need to delve into our imaginations to summon up examples for an empathetic yet inexperienced friend; just a few words were enough to bring back just how much all of this hurt. Some bonds don’t break without a lot of tearing of the heart, and it’s amazing how you can recognize those heartbreak veterans without them saying a word.

I had returned to Tulsa to retrieve some paperwork for Rebekkah since she is starting school in January, and my reaction to the place bothered me a lot. It seemed the minute I entered the state of Oklahoma, my thoughts kept returning to Chef’s addiction, his affair, and all of the tears I shed over this whole mess. I kept mentally shooing those heavy thoughts away, only to find myself mired in them again and again and again. The same seemed to be going on with Rebekkah, and after the couple of days we were there had passed, we lit a fire speeding back to Austin. The clouds in our minds cleared as we returned here, and I have to admit, Tulsa might be ruined for me after all that happened there. Chef is making plans to return to Texas as well, and I hope that he finds it healing to leave the past and her mistakes behind him as well.

I’ve read untold numbers of infidelity stories, both on blogs and from people who email me their own versions of Hell On Earth, and I’m encouraged at the rate of healing I’m experiencing myself. One year ago this month, I had just moved into my ghetto apartment, and was taking Xanax just to get through my day. These days, I’m fairly even-keeled. My emotions don’t fly back and forth like some crazed pendulum. The more I’ve pulled away from him, the more Chef seems to miss me. What a sad irony that is! Where I once dreamed feverishly of him begging me to return, now I pray diligently for him to be able to move on without me. I don’t want to have my marriage back.

So, to all the veterans of heartbreak warfare, I promise you… there will be a time when all of this seems different. It’ll always have the power to hurt you, especially if it was something you really valued; but, it isn’t the last time you will value something. Life goes on, and we flow along with it. Storms are powerful, and they scrape up things from the bottom of our hearts that we’d prefer remain hidden from ourselves and others forever. Time helps us gather the trash of our lives from the beaches of our minds, and burn them, never being afraid they will surface again to torment us. These storms don’t last forever, though, and your life will feel different..hopefully, cleaner, and you will come to realize you were so much stronger than you had ever thought you really were. And for some, like me, you’ll be a little wiser the next time around what you put on the throne of your own life. One’s happiness should never be completely in the hands of someone else.

Happy November!

— Bird

 

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