Establishing A Fart-Free Zone and Other Perks of Being Single

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So, my friend Tersia suggested I list some things that have been positive about this journey from married to single again, and I think she’s right. Enough with the sad sack stuff, right?

One glaring change has been the atmosphere of my home. I won’t say that Chef and I didn’t have a nice atmosphere in our home. I will say, instead, that the peaceful tone in it was bought at a high price when it came to me. Chef is a passionate person, and that passion can be good or it can be really bad. I was forever “pulling him off the ledge” about something or another. These days, the peace I feel around me is as easy to maintain as a smile.

Another change I’m enjoying is the freedom that comes with being alone. When I want to go somewhere, I just go. There are no phone calls wanting to know where I am or why I’m not doing this or that. There’s just me, and that is a great feeling.

I like being in charge of every penny I make. I no longer have to pull rabbits out of hats so Chef can go on a club run, or to pay for overpriced haircuts and random motorcycle accessories. I’m good at it, but I hate it.

I am starting to enjoy anticipating what the future may hold for me. I doubt very seriously God walked me through all this for nothing. He’s got a plan, and I’m excited to see what it is.

I like animals. I’ve always fed strays and adopted the occasional cast-off, all much to the chagrin of Chef. He’d often tell me that he needed at least a year without any pets or children around to be truly content. We’ve never had a whole year without one pet, and I heard about that plenty. Add in that I bought extra food for the strays, and his brain would bleed. Now, as long as I can afford it, I can take care of whatever animals I want without fear of reprisal.

I love never having to sit through shows I can not stand, like COPS. I have always HATED that show, from the annoying opening theme song to the snotty attitudes of most of theamazing officers and the genuinely sad people that they tend to catch doing stupid stuff. What is the entertainment value in watching people who are having a particularly crappy life get busted?? For me, there is none.

I hate horror movies. Real life is horror-able enough for me. I have never once enjoyed feeling scared or grossed out. First of all, the plot lines for most of this genre is generally unbelievable. It seems to always involve some moron doing something that probably not one human being on the face of the earth would actually do — ie: some girl walking in her underwear down to a pitch black basement to check out some noise she heard, alone — and you have me completely mystified. Really? My opinion is she was just too stupid to live anyways. Chef likes that kind of stuff. I watched one with him in 2006 because he literally picked a fight with me about it, and to this very day, I still freak out about it when I think about it. NEVER.AGAIN.

I eat whatever I want to eat. Chef is an actual chef. I grew up poor. He uses saffron and truffles in stuff; I like Hamburger Helper, pork chops, and boxed macaroni and cheese. He’s probably a great chef, but I like simple cuisine, and I’ve swallowed some things past gag reflexes just to not offend him. He liked to experiment a lot, and I was his test subject. Plus, try cooking for a chef. I am a decent cook when it comes to the general population of men, but not anywhere near Chef-Level. I don’t miss that routine at all.

I like the knowledge that I can move to anywhere in the world I want to. Once upon a time, I was offered a position with NASA taking pictures of the moon. Hardly lucrative, but I desperately wanted to move to Arizona to take the position, but Chef’s career took precedence, and I had to turn it down. It was the right decision back then, but that is no longer something I need concern myself with again. I’m free as a bird.

Despite how my on-line presence might seem these days, I’m quite content. I feel peaceful in the knowledge that the worst is over. My conscience feels clean about having tried to save my marriage and my friend and husband. Forgiveness isn’t just an act of my will; I feel it too. I’ve accepted that Chef may never understand how this all hurt me and I’m okay with that. For the longest time, I desperately felt a need to have him understand every painful action or word. Now, I’d rather he didn’t. What would be gained by two of us hurting like that? Nothing. God knows what He’s doing. He doesn’t need my help.

I’ve forgiven Tanya, his partner in all of this, as well. She’s moved on and has a new relationship, and we have no contact whatsoever anymore. I’m thankful for that. She is easier to become bitter about than Chef was, probably because I never loved her in the first place, and accepting her betrayal was simply easier to process. In the end, she was a professing Christian who had this very public affair with a married man right in front of the people she was trying to “save”.  She had an audience who watched her help destroy a family;  one member of it, Rebekkah,  was supposedly her friend. That’s some pretty bummer seeds she planted in the garden of her own life, and no matter what, we all get to reap what we’ve sown. The important thing for me, though, is to butt out of God and her business. I try to never wish people get what they deserve because I sure don’t want God to hammer me with justice instead of mercy. No one has led a perfect, unselfish life, and that includes me. Instead, I pray for mercy for her. I hope to have mercy from Him in my life as well.

download (5)There’s a million small reasons I’m really getting a kick out of life these days, as well. I like “Gas-Free” bedrooms, toilet seats that are always down, and no cleaning of urine spots around the toilet. I hate mayonnaise with a passion, to the point that touching the jar grosses me out. Frankly, there is just something unappetizing about white food. I only started eating ranch dressing a few years ago. Mostly, white food doesn’t come anywhere near my mouth. So, making Chef a sandwich was always a chore. He likes mayonnaise on everything, including peanut butter. Oh gross!!

When I finally get a house, which should happen this week, I’m going to be about as content and happy as I’ve ever been in my entire life. For that, I thank God. It truly is over, and I’m speeding on ahead to the next chapter. If there is one glaring mistake Chef made in all of this (like there weren’t millions!), it would be letting me get used to all the really cool stuff about being single. Now, it’s going to take someone really, really worth it to make me give all this stuff up!!

— Bird

20 responses to “Establishing A Fart-Free Zone and Other Perks of Being Single”

  1. This made me laugh….and it is so true!! I also try to look for the positive in being single once more. After 20 years of marriage, there was a lot more freedom in so many areas. I don’t want to be single forever, but enjoying it while I am….and that may be for awhile. lol


  2. You’re content BECAUSE you understand forgiveness, mercy and grace and apply them. Being bitter about things just creates your own prison, and you truly sound like a freebird now – maybe you should change your name lol. It’s a classic song too!

    It’s really funny reading this – while I know how serious your problems have been, being able to laugh at some things eases it, yes? – it’s a well-deserved rant but I can sense your smile through it all. And it reminds me how there are so many things about me and Karen that are SO incompatible, yet… I cannot think of any ‘special ingredient’ (forgive the culinary reference) or ‘magic’ that has kept us happy for the vast majority of 26 years, but it works…

    I’d say to stay just as you are unless a hunky knight in glistening armour on a pure white stallion grabs you as he gallops past and flings you into his saddle! Even then… check if his armour is real lol.

    I wrote a wee poem a while ago. Wonder if I should share it…


      • It’s not actually one of my ‘deep’ poems but more along my humorous lines:

        I LOVED YOU… WHEN?
        (VALENTINE’S DAY 2010)

        I loved you then; I love you now,
        Though logic asks just why and how.
        You do my head in, as I do yours
        And we’re incompatible; of that I’m sure.
        I drink coffee, you drink tea
        And I’ve so many books that you can’t see
        The walls of some of our rooms at home
        And if I buy one more, you’ll surely moan.

        You’ll ask what to wear, again and again
        Till it goes way beyond merely causing me pain
        And I’ll just reply, “no comment, love”
        Then you’ll storm off, give that door a huge shove.
        And those songs you sing, with the words all wrong;
        How I wish we were on a show with a gong
        So I could bang it, and see you go
        And suffer the torture no more, but no!
        You’d get your revenge the next time I’d snore;
        Shove me in the ribs and knock me on the floor.

        But despite all that, when all’s said and done
        I thank the Lord, that you don’t have a gun!

        No, I thank the Lord, that after 22 years,
        We share everything: the laughter and the tears.


  3. You forgot to mention being able to stretch out in bed and not sleep squished at one edge and the fact that the quilt remains covering you all night long (unless you are a wriggler lol) and another of the ones I am enjoying is when I go shopping I know what is in the cupboards and fridge without looking because there is no one to eat random things and not bother telling you or put boxes back in the freezer with one fish finger in it 😀 Now go turn up your favourite girly music and dance round the room as much as you like and no one will complain you got in the way of the TV lol


    • I have a German Shepherd, a Rat Terrier, an Orange Cat with a broken hip, and my Twice Rejected Maxwell Silverhammer kitty who all share a bed with me. And yes, I actually will remain in an uncomfortable position so they won’t be disturbed! I know exactly what you mean, though, about knowing what is available for your munching pleasure. I no longer have to hide a snack I”m saving for later.

      lol…I have been breaking it down quite a bit lately. Life’s feeling better these days.

      How’s it all going in your world? Are you feeling a little better than you were?


      • Yes of course there is the odd day of sadness and regret that things have not gone differently but I can honestly say my diary has not been as full for years and I am much happier and more content. Accepting I could not change things was the best thing as it really set me free


        • I’m so glad for you, Paula. It has taken me forever to understand I’m not so gifted that I can change someone who doesn’t want to be changed. Only two years on Oct 11. TWO FREAKING YEARS!

          What’s worse is that it isn’t like I didn’t have Facebook Wisdom to lead me towards the light!

          All kidding aside, how many times did you gag when you read some of that “Love is all we need” crap? Oh, puhhhhleeeeze. 🙂


          • I think I stopped believing that in my teens lol the same way whenever I hear a couple say we never argue I know they are either liars or one of them has no personality of their own, I also find that many of my friends who constantly share the all you need is love posts are ones who as much as I love them I know need a partner to validate their existence. They think being alone is the worst possible thing in the world I actually think a few worry it is contagious lol


            • lol…I never bought in to that sappy stuff either. I actually used to know two couples that said they never fought, ever. One is divorced now, and the other one seems stale, placid…uninteresting. They both are my age, but they look about 15 years older than our age group should. There just seems to be something unnatural about never disagreeing about anything in the whole world.

              Oh…and I AM contagious. 🙂


  4. Bird, I’ve been lurking on this blog ever since I discovered it, because I often find meaning in your spin on life and its trials. But I gotta tell ya, I absolutely adore this post. It’s light and funny and uplifting, and if there ever was a silver lining, I think you’ve nailed it. I wish you the best of happiness. -TimK


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