Dating Sucks.

Recently, I went on a date. This isn’t all that newsworthy, except that I ventured a little out of my comfort zone, and went out with someone who has an upper-class career,

This is a little crass, but frankly, I totally felt this way. I'm now the slummee that Slummer's go slumming for!!!
This is a little crass, but frankly, I totally felt this way. I’m now the slummee that Slummer’s go slumming for!!!

and the pricey perks that go with it. We occasionally do business with each other from time to time, and we’ve always gotten along fine for the whopping 15 minutes we’ve been in each other’s company. Of course, when he asked me out, which I did not see coming, I suddenly lost my ability to look him in the eye, and my voice got about 709 octaves higher. I’m sure at one point, only dogs could hear me when I spoke. :-)There’s something about being right there engaged with someone who is dressed better, driving a better car, and probably didn’t even look at the prices on the menu, that made me feel poverty stricken. I suspected he didn’t want to drive the fancy car to my apartment because he didn’t want a car-jacking to spoil our evening, but the truth of the matter was, it was my idea to meet him somewhere. See what I mean? A poor guy driving a 1985 Ford Pick-Up truck that backfires every 3rd mile wouldn’t have had his motives scrutinized so carefully. I felt…. poor. And not just the regular, “no-money” poor either. Nope. Poor like “you-should-have-made-better-choices-like-me-and-everyone-I-know” kind of poor.

Note: He did NOT do this on purpose, for the record…this was all me.

I make a lot of jokes about living at The 61 ghetto of south Tulsa, but until that one dinner date, I never really felt like I could be described as “ghetto”. Compared to him, I felt like a gangsta. If I ever go on a date with someone from that side of the tracks again, I’m going to embrace my inner gansta and dress like I’m working the street corner of Peoria and 61st street. It couldn’t be worse than this was!!

Johnny, as we’ll call him here (Warbucks…lol) went out of his way to either pretend he couldn’t tell I was a nervous mess dressed in the best Target had to offer, or maybe all the dogs barking when I talked was distracting him. All I know is that when I’m nervous, I tend to make jokes and giggle nervously. Maybe that crap was cute when I was eight, but at 44.9999 years old, it’s just plain humiliating. I’m sure he was wondering how this girl he’s been seeing off and on through his office for a while now suddenly became a weirdo dog whisperer, randomly trying to hide little outbursts of nervous laughter, and hiding behind her hair like Cousin It…

What was I laughing about, you ask?

Yeah. Only poor people say stuff like this...LOL!
Yeah. Only poor people say stuff like this…LOL!

All night, I kept wondering if I was on a date with a guy who was technically “slumming it”!! I think by all measurable standards, he was!! I’m poor, living in the Slums of Tulsa, and he is not. I felt like Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman, only without the happy ending, if you know what I mean. Only all night, I felt like Julia would have if she’d had to wear those thigh-high boots, skanky white top, and horrible blonde wig the entire week.

I did not like my date. Poor Johnny! He was so nice, but he did NOT get my humor at all. I certainly did not tell him what I was laughing at, and there was just nothing going on that I could say was funny at all. Maybe he thought I was laughing at him!! He probably is still trying to figure out what the hell!!

It made me laugh the entire week, and not nervously either. I think I might be a little bit of a snob! I have no idea why it made me laugh that much and that long, but I’m pretty sure Johnny won’t be driving through my parking lot in a limo with flowers any time soon!

I freaking hate dating. I really do.

— Bird

13 responses to “Dating Sucks.”

  1. Dang girl, I’ve missed your sunny face! I can so relate to your story…I as well have to get rid of my poverty mindset. Just cuz we started in the desert doesn’t mean we are gonna end it there. Let’s go through this valley, and onto ALL that God has for us – something about a land dripping with milk and honey, and grapes the size of watermelons. Thank you Lord for providing for Bird abundantly…in excess…bless her so much that she can’t use it fast enough, and she has plenty to bless others too, let her cup run over, in Jesus Name!


  2. Dating is pretty awful. You have my deepest sympathy. Of course, it’s better than marriage but that’s just my two cents.


  3. You do yourself a dis-service! You are a very attractive young lady and should feel great about yourself. There is no one better or worse than you and anyone who has the privilege to go out with you is blessed.
    I guess that means I love you!

    Have a happy!



  4. First off, love your writing. And thanks for putting it out there. You and I share a birth year and I am beginning to tempt dating again (and hating it) too. Miserable experience, especially when your brain is working and you actually have a personality of your own. Better luck….if you want there to be a next time?


  5. Roberts’s Queen is supposed to be evil, but since she never commits to her character, she’s doesn’t come across that way. Instead, she’s only vaguely bad, like a high-school mean girl—but not even. Since Roberts is an old-school star who always plays a variation of herself, the Queen still laughs, smiles, and sounds like Julia Roberts. For fans of her romantic comedies like Notting Hill or My Best Friend’s Wedding, Mirror Mirror is particularly painful, because it’s like someone has kidnapped America’s most prominent leading lady and abandoned her—without a script—in a series of ugly bridesmaid dresses.


  6. When I was younger, I did love “Pretty Woman” and I have to laugh now, what a fairytale about a hooker that some rich guy just falls in love with while she’s taking a bath!!! I’ve seen quite a few Julia Roberts movies and to be honest, plenty of actresses like Sandra Bullock at the time could’ve stepped in her place in any of them. I don’t think she took one role that I recall and made it her own. I don’t see her signature on any of them because as someone said before, she had to be playing herself or pretty much was the same in many films! The one I saw I couldn’t stand her in was “My best friend’s wedding” and I really felt she could’ve made it more interesting. Her hair often defined her, maybe too much. I don’t believe the journalist being from FOX NEWS means anything since the left wing utilize FOX NEWS for publicity since it has a high viewership in the U.S. Sean Penn mentioned Bill O’Reilly is his acceptance speech at the GOLDEN GLOBES. They use it to hype themselves, don’t be naive. The entertainment journalist however, isn’t political per se and has a long record of loving Julia! These spoiled stars have a way of being rude or obnoxious and it’s tolerated because it’s as if they aren’t held to any standards. I believe the article because celebrities are often vindictive to someone in the media who hammered them and obviously, Julia thought this one of those guys. Many of them take their reviews quite seriously. After viewing her in the preview of the new Clive Owen film she co-stars in, I have no desire to see it or to see her in a film again. I think her time is over in Hollywood.


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