Quick Word from Bird

I don’t have time today to write one of my epic, wordy posts. I’ve been working on one, but alas! It isn’t ready, and I don’t want to post anything from the hip. I tend to think I jinx things when I write about them, and things seem to be going really well. I’m making no sudden movements. I don’t want Fate noticing me right now!!

I plan to finish up the other post this evening, but I thought I’d answer a few of the emails/comments/texts I received this last week. sadness

Yes. I’m still alive and kicking.

Yes. Chef’s girlfriend dumped him.

Chef blames her.

She blames Chef.

She doesn’t blame me, but knows I was the problem.

Chef blames me, but is glad I was the problem.

I remain unconvinced anyone knows anything anymore.

Chef & I are going to go to marriage counseling, starting next week.

It was Chef’s idea, but I figure what can it hurt?

I have a sneaking suspicion it might just be too late for me to ever go back to this marriage.

Ok. I think that’s about it for now. I don’t want to tip my hand just yet! Talk to you guys tonight!!

— Bird


15 responses to “Quick Word from Bird”

  1. Is this the same Bird who was there for me when I first started blogging? LOL! if it is I still have you listed as one of my favorite bloggers. I never removed it. I hope this is the ole Bird from before. If I’m wrong here – well, I’ll feel pretty stupid. I hope hearing back from you soon.
    God bless.


  2. Marriage counselling? I see…… Anyway, it was good to hear from you and get the updates about what’s going on. I do hope the thing that you don’t want fate to play with goes well. 😀

    As for the counselling sessions, I hope you consulted with God on that one. You’ve been saying for a while that the man you love/d changed….and not for the better. Stepping into counselling sends signals both to yourself and him that you’re willing to try this all again. If T hadn’t dumped him, would this have ever been possible? I’m only a child, so I don’t know how this works in terms of marriages, but any relationship needs two people who are willing to work at it, who are concerned about each other and not willing to hurt the person they love, and people who take responsibility for their part of a relationship–mistakes included. I understand the desire to see whether this will work again, but you’ve told yourself over and over again the things I’ve mentioned above…..and you’ve also said Chef no longer does these things. I hope I haven’t impacted your good mood. I’m just concerned about what you keep putting yourself through. Take care! ♥♥♥


  3. In order to have a healthy marriage, both people must be healthy. Be sure that Chef geniunely earns your trust, your respect and your love; you don’t want to repeat old patterns. God must be your relationship mediator and He and He alone can heal broken lives if we are obedient to His teachings in all things.

    Praying for you and looking forward to reading the next post. .


  4. My husband (now EX) and I spent 15 months in weekly counseling session before we made the decision to end it. We spent 6 more months in counseling, continuing to live together, but working out all the logistics of our separation. I know the reason counseling didn’t save our marriage is because it was meant to end.
    But I am glad for all those important conversations we were able to have with each other – the most painful conversations I’ve had ever. We will always be in each other’s lives as we have 3 adult kids, one of whom is profoundly impacted by autism. We are very good together now that we’ve said what we needed to say to each other and are united in our care for our son.
    Whether counseling saves your marriage or not… be sure the right person is counseling you. I hope you’ve had a chance, or will have a chance to interview the counselor and find out what their areas of strength are. Has this person worked with couples who have decades of history together? Experience with people with addictions? How does this person go about deciding on an approach to healing the relationship? Will the person commit to working with you for upwards of a year? I hope you work with someone who will require your husband’s accountability, but not make him the “bad guy”. That may be satisfying for you, but it won’t create an environment where your husband can share all of himself… good, bad and ugly.
    Best of luck to you.


    • I love your comment. I don’t want people to think that I’m counting on this counseling to fix everything. On the contrary, I had to be talked into it, and the only selling point for me was the chance to communicate with him. There are things I want to say, and I’m sure there are things he wants to say as well. But right now, the communication is laced with defensive attitudes, pain, anger, and guilt. Even the pleasantest day isn’t peaceful, because we literally dodge land mine issues. And that is just exhausting!
      I know that I will always love this guy, and believe it or not, I am positive I could forgive him for everything. The real question is: am I willing to risk this kind of trauma again with the very person who inflicted it the first time? I’m doubtful. There’s a wall between us, and even if I were willing, able, and ready, I still couldn’t force myself to lower it.
      As for my husband being the bad guy, I don’t see it that way. I can see all along the way how each Perfect Storm was set up, not just by him, but by me, too. I got kicked in the teeth. But there were problems with me, too. I look at Chef as sick, tired, lonely, and guilt-ridden, yet selfish. But, I guess you could describe me the same way. Nobody wins in stuff like this. Nobody. So, I’m willing to talk to a mediator. If I think it is worthless, or the therapist is a putz, I’ll bail on it. And if it causes Chef to get some much needed help, it’s a small price to pay. How can I completely desert him to die like this? I can’t. And I don’t care if he’s earned it or not. I will probably never be his wife again…but I think eventually I may be able to be his friend.
      Thanks for commenting!!


  5. Does anyone know if Bird smokes pot? Yesterday was 4.20….. maybe she is high?
    Bird, while I have not read every single post you have written, I have read enough to know that you were hurting A LOT, and while you are the one who has to live your life, remember that cheaters always cheat again… I think you know this.
    If you do decide to get back with your hubby, make sure he goes to the clinic and checks out ok for VDs before you sleep with him. Protect yourself! There are a lot of ugly diseases out there, and who knows what that guy may have contracted… Be safe!!!


    • lol…No, Lorraine!! I do not smoke pot. It isn’t on principle or anything, but all that crap ever did for me in my wild days was make me hungry, sleepy, and my eyes itch!! I answered what my reasons for to cathmae’s comment, but I will write a post on it. It bears repeating. I am not holding out for this disney ending with Chef. I’m not in any throes of a dilemma, and the pain isn’t as pronounced or excruciating as when this all began. I’m happy in my little apartment, living with my daughter, kicking it with friends, and occasionally dealing with Chef. I’m watching his life being sucked down the toilet, and I am sad for him. I want to keep throwing out life rafts, but I know at some point, it will be too much, and it’ll be over, or he’ll be dead. I just want to know I tried to help him to the end. As for sleeping with him, OH, I DON’T THINK SO!! We aren’t in that kind of relationship with each other. I don’t trust him, and his fogged mind seems to think I’m some evil genius that orchestrated this whole trauma to embarrass him, make him cheat, cause them to break up, and now I want to have a front row seat to how miserable he is. It’s sad, but at the same time, kind of an ego-boost that he thinks I’m that powerful…Like A Game of Thrones! Instead, he is just the typical midlife crisis guy who is having to swallow his consequences, just like all the billions of people before him. His sober moments are what keeps me trying, because the sadness in those brown eyes hurts my soul. So, don’t worry. I’m not high. I’m content, that’s all!


  6. You have to do what’s right for you. Listen to that inner voice and be strong. I wish you all the love and good fortune and hope that your marriage will find a way to be be a loving and strong one–if not –I pray both you and Chef will find your mission in this world and be happy.


  7. Well, bless your heart. Panicky posts is right. Well. Geez Bird, isn’t it incredible the variety of experiences and heartbreak that is out there? I think you have provided such a valuable thing here by helping people out of a terrible sense of isolation. Frankly, it’s no one’s business what you decide to do or not do with Chef. I think you’re a saint for letting people chime in.
    THAT SAID, hee-hee, I’ll just go ahead and blab away. The ONLY SINGLE REASON marriage counseling worked for Chris and me was that we were BOTH committed to doing the work. That you are, is a given. Anyone who has read you for any length of time gets that. I’m not so sure about Chef, but then again, I don’t have to deal with him. You’re the best judge of that, and I’m sure you’ve got it.
    One thing that’s chiming with me, Bird. Is Chef sick? Is that part of this? I mean really sick, like cancer or something? Let us know, kiddo, that’s a whole ‘nother animal.
    Love you bunches,


    • Chef has markers for prostate cancer. He is sporadic about getting his tests done, and when they started his treatments, he only made a couple of them. Yes. He’s sick.


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