Speed Grieving

One of the things that has sucked the most about the complete breakdown of my marriage is the fact that two of my three children had front row seats to witness the whole thing. They are all adults now, but somehow, to me, that made it even worse. They were old enough to know exactly what had happened, and old enough to choose to get involved or to abstain. But Rebekkah really took to heart some of the lessons I’ve learned and methods I used to try to cope with all this stress…And then improved it to such a spectacular degree that I’m in utter awe of her! 

Background: Rebekkah has had two real crushes in her whole 24 years on this earth. She’s beautiful, smart, and so freaking picky smell funnythat she is almost impossible for any average male to catch. The first one labored on for 5 years. To this day, we aren’t really positive that the crushee was ever aware that Rebekkah had a crush on him. The second one started a little over a month ago, and it has been odd watching Rebekkah “crush” on someone. Sadly, though she found herself at a crossroads, and she had to make a decision about whether to go on or end the whole thing.

Like anything else, she approached the whole problem logically, and below are the actual notes of my daughter working out an emotional decision.




(The first stage, where I still maybe wanted him. I wrote a poem.)

THE POEMbreaking up in kick ass style

I feel the stirrings of passion.

Coals kindled and teased,

Yet lingering still before


The focus of the passion is unclear.

The fire remains only in possibility;

Almost inevitable, and yet fragile still.

But the heat….

Should the fire be ignited

Would hope that it burns out of control.

There is little beauty in a fire that is tamed.


(The second stage is where I tried to talk myself out of caring, and succeeded. I compiled a Pros and Cons list. But first, I wrote a text break uphypothesis of how I thought the lists would end up.)

Can affection by quantified? Should I even attempt to logically deduce whether or not to continue? I don’t know. I hypothesize that, at this stage, my hope and attraction will lend the “Pros List” heavier and at the end of this effort, I will have to acknowledge all the reasons I should continue. However, I will ignore that and decide to stop now anyways on the basis that the reasons on the “Cons List” are more severe. Here it goes:

PROS                                                               CONS

Takes good care of his pets Gets in trouble with the law a lot
Funny All the girls
Independent (mostly) Flakey
Teaches me things Parties A LOT
Likes fire/speed Likes fire/speed
Good w/hands Won’t put the move on me
Plays music I haven’t heard but I like *Makes me nervous
*I threw that in to make the lists even.

I was wrong. He looks more like a douche in plain facts and I look way more shallow. I think I can reasonably be done.


(Talking Shit – no explanation required)

If the opportunity presents itself I would deliver the following speech to him.

“Way to be a douche bag. I already have commitment issues, and you’re aggravating my condition. You would have a similar effect loser (1)on any reasonably intelligent woman, Like most men, you have prioritized p*****, partying, and cars over any number of more valuable pursuits. You are an idiot and an a**h****; a combination that is much like a stinky bathroom. It’s noteworthy only for its rank odor, and you hold your breath until you get the hell out of there.

I’m not too upset though. You’ll sink into the same mid-thirties, over-weight, pathetic cesspool as the other d***heads who wanted to bull**** and party. Good luck with that.”


(Word Association) ** Remember when Victoria at Victoriavisits taught me about summing all of the pain, etc. into one word or phrase? You can read about me using this process to come up with a phrase for my ex-husband at Old Roy Dog Food . This is the process Rebekkah is referring to here.

To sum the situation up, I’ve chosen the band name 3oh!3, mainly for 2 songs in particular. Don’t Trust Me and Richman.

Together, they paint a picture of dudes with little respect for women, aside from various orifices, who recognize they are assholes and roll with it.


(Title Page for Notes) ** This, hands down, is my favorite part. She wrote a title page and paper clipped these notes together.

Speed Grieving

I took my mom’s grieving process all the way. Started at midnight, ended at 3am.


END OF REBEKKAH’S NOTES.Speed grieveing boom

Rebekkah, you’re totally worth the stretch marks! – Mom


—  Bird

19 responses to “Speed Grieving”

  1. After reading a couple of posts from you and your daughter, I quickly came to the conclusion that the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree. She is a very smart and perceptive young lady just like her mom. She also appears to have some similar character traits as my own daughter. Especially her charm, quit wit, pragmatism and logic. She deserves to be picky and will most likely end up with a real prince. Thanks again for another much enjoyed chuckle.


    • Honestly, I’m thinking the deeper level of commitment and bonds you develop with someone, the longer the process is going to take. My kid had a crush on this guy for about a month, so the her speed grieving process took 3 hours. We humans are really complicated. We are all dealing with similar issues, but bringing to the table a multitude of variables like childhoods, previous traumas, genetics, pre-dispositions…and while people can test out guidelines and find out what, if anything, works for them, there is no set formula for purging someone out of your heart. Some people are never able to accomplish this, while others seem to be able to move on as easy as we flush a toilet. I’m just learning to take it as it comes, deal more in the present, less in the past, and change as much around me as I can to look different. I wish you the best!


  2. OK, sure, there are parts of this that still set Rebekkah as the young adult that she is. But largely, this is incisive, clear headed and remarkably baggage-free! Jesus knew what he was talking about when he implied that CHILDREN can often see important stuff more clearly than adults.
    This is awesome, Bekkie!
    (Oh, and thanks for the shout out! Gave me a grin! Works for me!! 🙂
    Love you both!


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