You Have Got To Be Kidding Me, Chef.

Well, I found out today that Chef doesn’t plan to make this divorce easy for me. In fact, he

Satan's Own Drug.
Satan’s Own Drug.

doesn’t want a divorce from me at all. He wants it to get expensive and ugly. I just don’t get it. Chef, if you are living with another woman, who has excitedly told me that you two are getting married as soon as our divorce is final, why would you want to drag the stupid thing out? All I asked for was my car and my maiden name back. Oklahoma is an alimony state, and yet I didn’t ask for that. I didn’t ask for half of anything in the house. What is wrong with this picture? Does this really make sense to you?

I’m still sick with the flu, so I know some of my emotions are just because I don’t feel well, but to say I’m angry right now is an understatement. And since the T family reads my blog, as well as most of T’s co-workers, I’ll just set out some things I’d like you to think about, Chef.

We both know what kind of trouble you are going to be in should I ask for alimony. I won’t elaborate  but you know what I’m talking about. I was foregoing my right to have some financial support so you wouldn’t get in trouble. You’re welcome, by the way.

Half of everything in that house is, by law, mine. Do you really want to have to divvy up half of almost nothing to me? I’m willing to let you keep it all! I have what I need!

You have another woman living in our home. I have the love letters that pre-date our separation. I wanted to divorce on grounds of irreconcilable differences. You really want adultery to be brought up in court? You’re a good talker, but no sane human being is going to look at all that you have done this last year and feel sorry for you. You tried selling your story, and not one single person besides T bought your bullshit.  You made your bed with dirty sheets, my man. I’d think you’d want to keep that sordid, humiliating mess out of court. But hey, it’s your rodeo!

You are one die-hard addict right now. And anyone can tell you are high. You do the Itchy-Scratchy dance even when you are sober these days. You want to risk going to court and tweaking out in front of a judge? With a bunch of cops around? You can tell yourself all day long that you will be clean by then, but we both know you most likely will not be able to stay clean that long. It’s sad. It breaks my heart. But that is the way it is. I’m doing you a favor. Take it.

Lastly, I don’t love you anymore. I love the guy you used to be, but I’ve figuratively buried that version of you, and I’m moving on. I don’t feel anything for this version that is mean, deceitful, full of envy and hate, always ranting at the unfairness of life, self-pitying, selfish, not compassionate, rage-filled, and let’s just be honest…always broke. The only times I hear anything even a little kind from you is the preface to a request for money. Your little spaz-out because I wouldn’t pay your cell phone bill this week is just one example. Re-read your ridiculous texts and then ask yourself why you are losing your wife. You lost me. Live with it.

Have T tell you again that you are fantastic just the way you are. You won’t get that from me. I KNOW you can do better. I think you should earn respect by at least trying to improve yourself, instead of T chanting to you how wonderful you are like a mantra. I get that this is really an illness that is kicking your butt. But even knowing that, you aren’t going to get well if you don’t even try to help yourself. And I’m not willing to feed your ego when I’m watching you kill your body. Sorry. I have decades of history with a good man, and I will always have hope that you find your footing to be that man again. But I’m not going to lie to you and enable you to kill not only your body, but your spirit and your soul too. I loved you more than that. I hope you someday remember how much I fought to stop this war you declared on yourself.

Let me go, Chef. Let’s be done with this, please. I’m begging here. I feel lashed to ship that is sinking quickly. For decades you almost always did the right thing for this family. Please do one more last, good, unselfish thing and let me go. I don’t want to be married to you anymore.




45 responses to “You Have Got To Be Kidding Me, Chef.”

  1. give him an ultimatum he has two weeks to sign the divorce on the terms you were will to give him originally if he hasn’t done it by that time drag his arse through court the hard way. He probably doesn’t want the divorce because T will be planning a big white (expensive) church wedding he doesn;t want and certainly won’t want to pay for, and I am sure it will look great for T’s parents when there daughter is named it court for all to hear to be the little home wrecking tart that we all know she is. Hell I really don’t know why you have been so patient and kind to the pair of them because the more reasonable you have been the more they have taken the pee. People can only walk over you if you lie down to let em its time to yank that rug right out from under their feet and let em deal with the consequences


    • lol….I always feel like I’ve been a hateful shit until I read your comments. Then, you make me feel like I’ve been saintly..I wanted a quick divorce for myself. I don’t like court, cops, or drama, and telling a bunch of people that my husband is a cheating junkie who has lost his teeth, his soul, and his pride is just as humiliating to me as it would be for him. So, no. It wasn’t all out of kindness for him. But, that being said, I still have my teeth, I’m healthy, and my brain still works, so if he wants to drag out crap into court, I’ll be there to make sure his shit stays on his own shoes. 🙂


  2. I completely agree with paulaacton. The sad truth is that court, cops etc will be much more humiliating for you than Chef, but that’s just because he’s still kidding himself. You won’t look bad.

    My sister asked only to take a small pool for her two children from the marriage – nothing else for the same reasons as you. One morning she came down for breakfast to find her husband had slashed the pool. She took him to court and hated it, but it was the best thing he could have done for her and the kids (though I’m not sure she sees it). Perhaps Chef will do something to make you really angry too, but don’t feel a bitch, you’ve been amazingly patient and understanding, but you need to think of yourself now.


    • He slashed his kid’s pool? What a moron! There’s no way any judge was going to think that was cool! I just didn’t want to have to bring out all this crap in front of a judge. They’re always so judgmental…get it? Lol. Anyways, I will get my divorce one way or another. Chef is looking at prison for some of his stuff, and I have never been okay with that. I don’t want him in jail. But I want my divorce pretty badly, and if he chooses this route, he has only himself to blame if he loses his freedom. I have the pictures of the bruises, my tax returns, and proof that he is an addict and is unfaithful. You’d think he’d just give me what I want and go away quietly. But, this is a meth addict I’m dealing with. Why am I surprised?!


  3. I’m so sorry. My sister has a similar story – many years ago now before crystal meth made everything so much worse. I really feel for you, but remember the judge will not be judging you on what Chef has done.

    I don’t think she told the judge most of the stuff, just the basics to get some support for two small children and get away. She protected him as best she could too. He never paid much of the support, she had to get a court order. He didn’t pay that either! Eventually she got to call the shots in the relationship because all she had to do was alert the court to the unpaid maintenance and he’d have gone to jail.

    What goes around comes around though. She’s had a good life, he has not. The children are grown and have realised. She couldn’t protect him from himself in the end.


    • Oh, no! Don’t be sorry. One thing I’ve learned from all of this is that the person going through this hell always has a tendency to feel alone…like they are the only one in the world going through this kind of pain. I think I was really helped by reading other people’s stories and realizing that they too had been through a similar hell and yet had been able to come out of it eventually. It gave me, and still gives me, hope. So, thank you for sharing!


  4. I guess you can’t do anything if Chef decides to draw the divorce out….EXCEPT as you said bring out the ‘guns’ …It won’t be nice for you at all but will be totally embarrassing and awkward to say the least for Chef. Once things are on the table I would hope that the ‘judge’ would make the decision kind of fast…Chef can’t afford to drag things on does he? Lawyers cost a lot!….In any case will be thinking of you…Diane


    • I think what Chef and I are doing here is playing “chicken”. He’d be a fool to play this with me. I don’t make promises I’m not prepared to keep, and if he knows nothing about me anymore, I’d think he’d have figured that out about me of late. When it comes right down to the time to go to court, he’ll try to soft talk me into letting him sign the original papers. I just hate these games. I really do. And because I’m prepared to win, I still have to pay for the other papers to be drawn up. What a madhouse. And no. He can’t even make his rent. I’m doubting a lawyer would touch this case for him, even if he could pay for it. Well, a good lawyer, anyways.


      • I don’t know a lot about your circumstances but your lawyer (and you definitely need one) will probably tell you that the fastest and cheapest solution to this is to head straight for court. By getting a date and a deadline when all this will come out in the open, Chef will have no choice but to have it all in the open (with whatever consequences are implied by that) or be willing to settle on terms acceptable to you. Leaving it out there with no court date just prolongs your mental anguish. Just my thoughts…


  5. You are not alone, and there is light at the end of the tunnel, though I know it is horrible whilst it is dragging on.

    Once again I agree with paulaaction. Both Chef and T are living in a fantasy.

    I didn’t realise how upset I still am all this time later, my sister got over it all many years ago and has definitely had a better life without him. Whilst you are being understanding and saintly, like my sister, I’ll stand by and steam on your behalf.!


  6. I am so sorry Bird. I hope somehow this blog will reach somewhere in his brain and let u go. He screwed up and now he wants his cake and icing both. By staying with T, he has no reason to delay the divorce


    • He told me the only reason he stays with T is because he can’t trust that I will move in and take care of him if he kicks her out. Yes. He’s a Prince among men. 🙂 Kind of makes it hard to be jealous of the love he feels for ole T.


  7. You are saintly.. My first hubby behaved a lot like chef. So I added seven years of drunkenness and impotency to my plea. Like you, I walked out with my harley and me. All I took after that was the truck I had worked so hard to pay for when he was letting it get repo’d. Do what you have to do to get rid of the leeches.


  8. I know I don’t talk to you a lot, bird.. But I read your posts and pray for you. You are getting stronger in yourself every day, an I’m proud of you.


    • Thanks, Wicked! My life is actually going really smoothly despite this horrible separation/divorce. I can tell the Lord is being merciful with me daily. I appreciate every prayer!!


    • 🙂 Brilliant! And totally humiliating for a guy, I suspect. Oh, and for his new girlfriend too, who I’m pretty sure will be in court to support her new fiance. Yikes! I’m glad I didn’t have to use it. This is the one time I’m glad his ego is ridiculous!


  9. I have tears running down my face, I’m sorry but that was the hardest thing to read, yet I am reading along and a song I have not heard for a long time comes on in the background called “Another life” by The Veronica’s. It is strangely appropriate for this post and the two together brought me to tears. I’m sending you all prayers, just cause I can and just cause we all need em. Sniff sniff**


  10. File Monday! Whoever files first usually wins. Get the kids, house and the car. Tell the judge they’re irresponsible, high and need to stay away from the kids and only supervised visits – after Chef cleans up his act. But, don’t stop praying for him everyday. Take the bull by the horns, before he gores you or your kids. Praying for you all. Talk to a priest this weekend & schedule a prompt appointment with a good lawyer. Find out online if that lawyer is good. Don’t let the lawyer play out their emotional baggage thru you. If that lawyer is weird, keep shopping for a good one.


    • Thank you for the advice, Catholic! I filed my own divorce, and I’m representing myself in my little divorce. We have no assets left, and the kids are grown. And Chef has no interest in showing up in court. I had an attorney prepare the paperwork, but I can take it from there as long as Chef doesn’t contest it. (And I can assure you, he won’t. 🙂 ) I’m going to see a counselor next week. So, I think I’m on my way to being free of the whole, hurtful mess.


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