Early, early this morning, I finally went to the ER to have my arm/neck checked out. I have degeneration in my neck and my 
prescription is to get a $100 goose down pillow, some percocet, take calcium vitamins, and try to be easy on my neck because I am getting old. The doctor actually said that to me! On top of everything, Chef is the one who drove me to the doctor, and even though he was being nice to me, I picked a stupid fight with him. What is wrong with me????
Finally, after I had driven him out of the room to wait it out in the car, I came to the realization that I just do not want to go back to him. On the drive home, he said, ” You just don’t love me anymore, Bird. I can’t blame you for that. It just is what it is.” I started crying because he was right. I care about him. I want him to be healthy and happy, but he’s going to have to do it away from me. I am not in love with him anymore. I can’t stand the thought of being cheated on again. I can’t stand the thought of living back in that house again with a man who I’m not entirely sure even really loves me, knowing full well that he had another woman sleeping in my bed, wearing my clothes and jewelry, and having sex with my husband. I feel like I’m just the better choice for him in his mind because I’m more independent, make more money, and I already know how to live with him. He doesn’t have to hide the real him from me because I’ve known just exactly what his good points and his flaws are. Plus, I don’t come with a psycho mother and a not-quite-right father. None of these reasons are even a little bit okay with me. Call me a romantic, but I actually want to be loved, not used.
The truth is if the man loved me, he wouldn’t still have T living with him. He wouldn’t try to make excuses about why he was driven into her arms by my inability to stand being cheated on. Seriously???? He wouldn’t make jokes about painful situations, or defend T’s behavior to me. What is wrong with this man? And what is wrong with me that I’m even listening to him????
Ok. I’ve had my little crying spell and vented about this painful situation, and I’m going to enjoy the rest of my day. Merry Christmas to everyone, and I hope you have a really good New Year’s Day!!
— Bird
Everyone Has A Story... Again 
28 responses to “Accepting How I Feel about Chef”
I am sorry that you are hurting. sometimes the truth is so painful. I wish you for a recovery from all of the evils luring near. I am here to support you not to pick at you. God bless
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Merry Christmas Bird.
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May you be blessed with peace, love, joy and the abundances of the Lord’s fruits of prosperity this Christmas Season. We love you and appreciate you for all that you do in helping to build and promote the Kingdom of God here on this earth.
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Thank you! Merry Christmas to you and yours!
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If you haven’t read the book already, I highly suggest “The Sociopath Next Door”. Some of the things you mention with Chef (paranoia, lying, cheating, unrealistic expectations, manipulation, etc) all point to classic sociopathic traits. Understanding what you are dealing with is half the battle.
Dealing with my Ex was extremely confusing and hurtful to me until I finally read this book (based on someone else’s recommendation). It was like a lightbulb went off in me.
Something to think about. Good luck!
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You aren’t the first person to mention this book to me. I’m going to check it out. It worries me that this could be what is wrong with Chef, but I would very much like to understand what is going on in his head. He seems to be very removed from any honest emotions other than anger or self-pity. Would this classify him as just being sick? If they can’t feel real emotions correctly, can they be held accountable for the way they hurt other people?
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The thing is, Chef won’t think anything is “wrong” with him and instead twist the concern you have for him back onto you as being “your fault” that he is the way he is (if he is indeed a sociopath). If he doesn’t do something like that, he will instead use the “pity ploy” to make you feel sorry for him to manipulate you into doing what he wants.
As for “feeling” anger or self-pity, it’s actually what he has discovered to be your “buttons” to push to get you to act a certain way to get the reaction that he wants. If you act in a manner totally out of the ordinary (for you) in response to his anger or self-pity, my bet is you will see a totally different side to him. You may try to blame it on the drugs and/or withdrawals, but if his demeanor changes, my bet is he’s more thinking “how dare she not act the way I expect!?!”
As for holding sociopaths accountable, no, you can’t – not unless they break the law. The best advice I have received for dealing with my own Ex/sociopath is “no contact, no contact, no contact.” My life is much easier now that I know what I’m dealing with and know how to respond to him. I bet the drama in your life will diminish significantly if you follow the same advice – just expect him to not comply and you stand firm/resolved in your choice – it’s the only way.
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Thanks for the advice, Karaboo. I’m wondering if he is a sociopath, or if maybe the drugs made him that way. He wasn’t like this for the time we were married. A bit selfish, but really, who isn’t? I’m praying about it. I don’t want to label him as something like that if he isn’t. To me, that is one really harsh indictment on a person. Still, I am keeping my guards up around him, and I’ve been fine. I know to disregard what he says and look only at what he does. My change has been noticed by him, that’s for sure. He’s going out of his way to be really nice, say all the things he thinks I want to hear, and basically going all out to “win” me back. But again, I’m pretty defensive about everything right now. I know God is in control of this, and I’m trusting Him. It’s all I can do right now. I’m about to be pretty far away for awhile, and I think that is going to be really good for me.
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Cath, I am so sorry you have this horrible inner pain, now also mirrored in the physical.
It is so much like mourning a death, only every time you go to the gravesite, this corpse keeps hopping up to try and drag you into the coffin with him. So devastating. So unfair. You cannot even mourn properly because of the cause of “death”: drugs.
You can never trust, never believe, never hope, never endure what all is yet to come to him. You must escape the haunting and flee into the arms of Jesus.
We pretend Christmas will fix it, but we know it will all still be there in January. My heart goes out to you and my offer ever stands.
I am so glad, SO GLAD, you have one there who cares enough actually to help you and reach out to you in your need. Praying you can plow through all the commercialism and find the Babe, in His innocense and prefection, a constant source of peace and that quiet joy that flows deep beneath the troubled surface.
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Merry Christmas and a Blessed New Year!
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It’s so painful to come to some realizations…but necessary I guess.. It’s not wrong to want better for yourself…
I think by what Chef said he realizes it’s too late and too much has happened but he has no one to blame but himself…
I hope you did have a ‘good’ end to your day…and that you’ll feel better soon….Merry Christmas !! Diane
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Hey girl! Sorry about the pain in the neck…(both of them). As to “why” you/we still continue to even be around ex’s who’ve trampled all over our hearts, or even listen to their BS explanations of why they did what they did…. and expect us to love them for it…..one word….HABIT. Sometimes staying, or going back in- is easier for us than change, which is hard.
As to “why” they do the things they do, including living with the one they committed adultery with while still trying to get us back…..to guys like this, an ace in the hole is insurance “just in case”, the little wifey really does have a belly full and doesn’t want to come back to the little love nest, (which has now been crapped in.
I believe, at the end of the day, if we are serious about moving on with our lives with Christ, it’s not a matter of what we want, it’s a matter of God’s will for our lives. And one thing I know for sure, to be unequally yoked together with an unbeliever is a recipe for an incomplete and spiritually unfulfilled life. “What concourse has light with darkness?”
Words are cheap, “I love you babe”. “I’ll never do it again”, blah blah…you know the drill. Until there is real change in a person’s life spiritually, you can’t trust them, to “not do it again” because their not serving the same master as you are.
So, hard as it may seem, it seems the wise answer would be to let the Holy Spirit make the choice, and if it’s His choice for your life, (which may NOT be the self sacrificing thing many legalistic, brainwashed women “think” it is. Not talking about you, even though you HAVE been self sacrificing, and tried every which way to pick up the pieces and make things work. If those “feelings” of love, trust, being bonded seem to be missing now, there may be a good reason. It may really be over and time to move on with your life in a new direction. God had a Boas in the life of Ruth after the loss of an unbelieving husband. As you pray about this…you will come to the place where you’ll “just know”. Listen to Him rather than Chef, who may have ulterior motives, whereas God doesn’t, except for your highest good.
http://www.bible.ca/ef/expository-2-timothy-3-1-7.htm
Just stuff to think about…
Be blessed~
Scarlett
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This is a beautiful comment, Scarlett, and I truly believe you are right. Thank you! It’s getting easier to let it all go, but the set-backs are disturbing to me.
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Bird you are a women with a big heart—that is why you listen. but you have made so much progress to be able to say that you just don’t want to go back to him. There is nothing wrong with you other than you are just a good person and there is nothing wrong in that. Have a wonderful Christmas, Ivonne
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I hope you had a wonderful Christmas, Ivonne! I had a hard time admitting to myself that I’m not up for another try at this right now. I always figured I’d be in love with him forever, so it was kind of a shocker to me that he realized it before I could readily admit it. I still love him. I just am not in love with him anymore. Sad days. But 2013 is wide open, and who knows what God has in store for me and my kids? I’m kind of excited to see!! You take care of yourself. I’m taking my camera on my vacation and I’m going to post play by plays about my wonderful trip!! 🙂
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Yes, 2013 is going to be awesome. Looking forward to seeing those pictures.
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Hugs dear one. 🙂
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Thank you!
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You’re welcome. 🙂
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HA!! That’s all I can say…says iut all. Great post. Wow you’re so welf aware and honest…I wanna be likwe you when I grow up…wait…dam, I think I’m older than you lol…hmmm.
Was at hospital yesterday being diagnosed with lung infection because I have smoked all my life and I am developing emphysema. I am a SINGER…with an addiction that will kill my spirit before it kills me…which is like hell on earth as far as I am concerned. so, I don’t smoke anymore. I am down to five for five days and then I am on patch and off stupid frikking cigarettes….man I am an idiot.
Cigarettes are allot like men…right Bird? You get used to letting something in that degenerates you. But…I believe and I know you do too, that healing is possible for everyone. At least…I’m banking on it. This is gonna be a big year for us all. Hold on tight . 🙂
I learn allot from your honesty. well done.
Peace
J
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Thank you so much for the wonderful compliments! Men are complicated, as all people are, but when you add in addictions, it makes everything so skewed. I will always love the guy Chef used to be, but this one is just too self-absorbed and un-acquainted with reality for me to be able to understand much less trust. I will always hold a little hope in my heart that he’ll be healed one day, but I can’t hang around watching this version of him ruin his life, as well as mine. Time to move on. I’m so sorry to hear about your infection! Are they going to be able to get you completely well again? Don’t be too hard on yourself. We all do dumb things, and most of know when we’re doing them that they are dumb. That is part of life. I’ll say a prayer for you. Let me know if you are able to quit. I also smoke, and I need to get serious about quitting. I lost part of a lung in my motorcycle accident, and it is stupid of me to stress the one healthy one I have. See! We’re all goofy sometimes! I appreciate you dropping by and commenting! Please feel free to chat with me anytime!!
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I don’t know how to edit my comment (I am the typo queen) and I wrote WELF AWARE…which is still making me giggle. thought i’d share lol. 🙂
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lol..I had no problems understanding what you were saying!!! Thank you again for talking to me!!
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I’m going to start reading more on here now that my big project is completed. I took the last few weeks to gather a plethora of posts that I favored from my blogs all over the internet and converge them (including Seriosome) into helpImBreathing.com
I have also obviously gotten a new user name and all that good stuff. I hope to see you around, and will definitively be a reader of yours. 🙂 Hang in there. ♥
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Thank you, Clayton!! I’ll check your site out too, and thanks for hanging around with me!
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I know what you mean about still caring about someone yet not being in love anymore… and wanting to be loved and not used. You deserve better than that, and I’m so glad to get a sense that you realize it, too. Don’t settle for less. ((hugs))
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Thank you, Rene! I’m finished settling. Sometimes, I think that there are worse lives to be lived than being alone. For the whole last year of my life, I was actually living with my husband, but I was very, very unhappy. He was spiraling and he was taking me with him. Being alone has never appealed to me, but I’m finding it is preferable to being with someone that is taking you on a ride to hell. Know what I mean? ((hugs right back))
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Yes, I know what you mean, even though my ride is different than yours.
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