Early, early this morning, I finally went to the ER to have my arm/neck checked out. I have degeneration in my neck and my prescription is to get a $100 goose down pillow, some percocet, take calcium vitamins, and try to be easy on my neck because I am getting old. The doctor actually said that to me! On top of everything, Chef is the one who drove me to the doctor, and even though he was being nice to me, I picked a stupid fight with him. What is wrong with me????
Finally, after I had driven him out of the room to wait it out in the car, I came to the realization that I just do not want to go back to him. On the drive home, he said, ” You just don’t love me anymore, Bird. I can’t blame you for that. It just is what it is.” I started crying because he was right. I care about him. I want him to be healthy and happy, but he’s going to have to do it away from me. I am not in love with him anymore. I can’t stand the thought of being cheated on again. I can’t stand the thought of living back in that house again with a man who I’m not entirely sure even really loves me, knowing full well that he had another woman sleeping in my bed, wearing my clothes and jewelry, and having sex with my husband. I feel like I’m just the better choice for him in his mind because I’m more independent, make more money, and I already know how to live with him. He doesn’t have to hide the real him from me because I’ve known just exactly what his good points and his flaws are. Plus, I don’t come with a psycho mother and a not-quite-right father. None of these reasons are even a little bit okay with me. Call me a romantic, but I actually want to be loved, not used.
The truth is if the man loved me, he wouldn’t still have T living with him. He wouldn’t try to make excuses about why he was driven into her arms by my inability to stand being cheated on. Seriously???? He wouldn’t make jokes about painful situations, or defend T’s behavior to me. What is wrong with this man? And what is wrong with me that I’m even listening to him????
Ok. I’ve had my little crying spell and vented about this painful situation, and I’m going to enjoy the rest of my day. Merry Christmas to everyone, and I hope you have a really good New Year’s Day!!