Am I Scarred For Life? Or Just for 2013?

This week, Chef made a comment, and it really made me think. I thought I’d write out my thoughts on the subject as it really struck a chord with me.

Chef has been clean and sober for a couple of weeks. He’s under a doctor’s care now (I’ve personally seen the paperwork and the

Exactly my thoughts on the matter.
Exactly my thoughts on the matter.

medicines he is on), and I am relieved that he’s at least trying to get well again. I don’t believe he’s terminal yet, but he hasn’t been doing himself any favors abusing his body the way he has, so maybe he wasn’t really exaggerating his demise. The main reason I believe him when he says he’s been sober that long is because he’s starting to talk and sound a bit the way he used to, except with the unavoidable dopamine-diminished mood that always follows drug binges. Said plainly, he’s a bit of a downer these days. Now normally, because of the addiction, I disregard everything he has to say, or has said,  for the last year because it either was so self-serving and twisted, it would make my head hurt, plain weird and incomprehensible, or it was an all-out lie. Either way, I’ve learned to really filter what I believe when he tells me something. Sadly, this is pretty common when dealing with addicted people.

Many times in the last few months, Chef has said he wanted me back. And every time he’s told me this, I feel a guard go up because while months ago I wanted my marriage fixed so badly I could taste it, now I’m unwilling to be vulnerable to that same degree with him, or anyone else for that matter. So, I invariably pick a fight with him, ensuring that the offer would be withdrawn. Even while I’m doing it, I know that is what I’m doing, and yet I feel like I can’t make myself stop. Chef being mad at me is easier for me to deal with than trusting him, or letting my guards down. I never want to hurt like I did ever, ever again. That really sucked.

A few days ago, he told me he cries about losing me, and when I went by the house, there are pictures of me all around it. Now, T still lives there, and there are no pictures of her. As a woman….wife, girlfriend or otherwise….my head would explode if the guy I was with posted pictures all around the house of the ex. I’m just saying… But instead of taking that as some kind of proof that he’s being honest, I immediately figured he’d put them out knowing I was coming over, and probably pulled them back down as soon as I left. I hate being so cynical, but it isn’t an impossibility, and I’m over believing what I’m told without some kind of real, tangible proof.

I basically told Chef that maybe he was just missing the naive girl who basically grew up with him in this marriage, but I thought maybe that girl might just be gone forever. Yes, I still have my basic personality I always had, and I still like to laugh and have fun, but the hope and faith that I had in him seems pretty much dead, and I don’t know if those traits and feelings are resurrect-able. He then went into a tirade about how all our friends and families had sided with me, and we had all left him no choice but to depend on T to be his friend and lover. Yeah. That’s when my brain checked out, too. That’s typical druggie reasoning, and it takes time for hardened junkies to think straight again. I let the rant go unanswered, but he’d planted a question in my head…Has Chef ruined something in me forever for anyone else?

stalkerI’ve had a man chasing me that makes me think that maybe I won’t hook up with anyone again. You have got to feel sorry for the first guy I go out with after this disastrous year, huh? I do!! The man, let’s call him A, is a nice, good-looking man. He’s respectful, polite,  and totally into me, and only God knows why. I won’t go out on a date with him. I’m very stand-offish, won’t answer his calls, and yet I hear from him via text several times a day, and even though I’ve been very, very clear that I’m one confused, somewhat angry, still-healing woman, he seems to think that these many texts a day will soften me. I completely disagree. About two days ago, I stopped even answering them because he was actually getting too personal with me, asking me if I was sleeping alone and if I was still in love with my ex. I was so annoyed by the personal nature of his questions, I answered yes, I still loved Chef. But I don’t think I am in love with Chef anymore, so I basically lied. The real question here is did I lie to him or to myself? Do I still love Chef? When all the pain dies down, and wounds heal, will I still love him? Will I ever trust him or anyone else ever again? I just don’t have the answers to those questions. In a nutshell, I’m learning I can trust God and He won’t hurt me or let me down. Everyone else in a crap shoot.

At first, I was going to text A back the kind of barbed message guaranteed to make my point very clear, but then I started thinking, maybe that reaction is a bit harsh. Maybe I am changed forever from the person I used to be. I don’t really care if I get married again, or if Chef and I ever reconcile. Supposedly, T is moving into her own place Dec. 31 and Chef wants his wife back. When he told me this, I could feel the anger start rising in me again, but this time I didn’t pick a fight. All I said was “I’ll believe it when I see it.” Sounds snarky, but it was a lot tamer than my usual responses. Instead of getting mad, he just said, ” You’ll see. I’m getting my wife back.” When he left, I waited for that happy, hopeful feeling to come like it had so many times in the past, but honestly I felt nothing. It makes me sad to think I might be caught in a cold state of mind about love because of this garbage experience, but how do you make yourself trust and hope and feel when you just don’t? And then I started worrying about whether this coldness is a good example for Christ. I’m pretty sure it isn’t, but how do you make yourself warm up??? I don’t want to be this cold, guarded person for the rest of my life. I want to be able to trust a man again. I just don’t know how one goes about making yourself become vulnerable again.

Anyways, this has been what’s on my mind. Thank God, I’m going out-of-town for a spell right after Christmas so my mind will be too busy to focus on Deep Thoughts. Frankly, I’m sick of examining and analyzing this stuff. I need the vacation!

Hope everyone has a wonderful Christmas!!

— Bird




22 responses to “Am I Scarred For Life? Or Just for 2013?”

  1. Catherine…these are only my thoughts and I certainly don’t have all the answers…and I don’t think you’re asking for any. Maybe just some things to think about.

    You’re right to be confused…Firstly why does T have to wait until New Year to move out? Secondly this A….at first he sounded like a nice man but I don’t believe any ‘nice’ man asks a woman if she’s sleeping alone…Thirdly….I think it’s too soon for Chef to be asking you back into his life…He’s just been through a form of hell with the drugs etc.and you’d think he’d want to be sure he’s sober for good…

    I think the more you see him ..the more you get confused. But it’s understandable.And never believe that you will be able to love or trust again. ..It will happen one day. You’re just really tired of it all.

    Since you will be away for awhile use the time to just try and enjoy the time and holidays. I hope you will find yourself laughing and having fun. You’ve been through such a bad time.

    Have a wonderful and blessed Christmas and look forward to 2013…as I’m sure it will be better for you for sure…Diane


    • These are excellent questions and points. I’ve been told that T refused to leave because she had paid the rent and she needed her next check so she could get into her own place. Good excuses, but deep down, I’m thinking she doesn’t have any idea she’s being bounced. Chef did go on a rant about how her mom, B, keeps showing up at 5am on their porch each morning, climbing over their locked fence and pounding on the door until they let her in….lol. He told me no woman is worth what B does. A stepped over the line when he asked me that. How rude! I can’t live with Chef. There are 22 years of reasons to try to make it work, but I don’t know if he’s sober for the long haul, and I sure don’t know what the real reason is he wants me back. What if it is just to pay the bills? Or to not have to be alone? These aren’t good reasons for me. I never thought I was a romantic, but I certainly wanted more than this! It is hard to escape from Chef. We have a bunch of things that we always seem to have to deal with together. We can go awhile without contact, and then my brakes go out, or he needs my signature to sell something, and boom! He’s back in my life again. Sometimes I’m ok with dealing with him and sometimes I’m not. I never know. But you are right. I’m tired. It is always right there in my face, and I think my vacation will really help. I’m taking my computer and my camera, and leaving my problems in OK…It’s gonna be fun!!


  2. my mom used to always say, if you are in doubt, wait. My thoughts are there is still too much pain from everywhere. If you and Chef are meant to get back together, time will be on both of your sides. healing has to happen first, and the side habits he acquired, have to leave and that will take time for that to be proven. Have a Merry Christmas. Relax as much as you can, laugh til you pee, and think about YOU!!


  3. In my opinion, anyone who truly cares about YOU and has YOUR best interests at heart will not push or rush you into anything. The things you have endured over the past year have been very traumatic. You have made miraculous strides in healing lately. But the emotional pummeling you took was like going over Niagara Falls with out the protection of being in a barrel. The emotional injuries you have suffered are very real and some may not heal entirely ever. If Chef or Mr A care anything about you, they will be sensitive to that. Although you have made remarkable progress under the circumstances, you still have a lot of healing ahead of you. God understands this and will not hurry you to do anything. He does have your best interests at heart. If being in an intimate relationship or even dating causes you a lot of stress at this time, don’t do it. There are many things that can give you some fulfillment in life. I think this vacation will be great for you. Relax, enjoy life, have fun. Then when you get back you can think about how you want to proceed forward with your life. I hope I haven’t been to inappropriate giving you my two cents. I hope you have a very merry Christmas and a blessed New Year. Take care, Bird.


    • I’m never unhappy with someone being completely honest with me, and the advice I’m given actually really helps me. I appreciate you taking the time to help me, lafgod. I really, really do!


  4. My opinion, for what it is worth, you will always love Chef in some way. You have lived with him most of your life and just can’t turn that off. As far as getting back to where you trust him or any man again, that will come in time, you were burned pretty bad and it takes a while to heal. You are on the road to recovery and are making progress. Stand your ground.
    Are you scarred for life? No, I believe there is someone out there who will turn your life around and share the love you have in your heart. Love has a way of finding the right people. I pray for your continued healing and growth. Merry Christmas my good friend!

    Ed ♥


  5. C.

    Threatening, sexual harrassing, are you kidding?

    Just call the police, Dear.

    They are breaking the law. Do NOT go over to Chef and Tricia’s little love nest, as the REAL CATHERINE is not welcome there. Continue doing your best to make him angry. Good job.

    Do not answer harrassing texts! They should have taught you that in junior high!

    These so-called “men” are really sick, unspanked little boys who want to steal candy. Lock them UP!

    Throw your phone in the river and move on down here. I have a house you can borrow.

    Unless you really just enjoy the suffering.

    ❤ K


    • I love you, Katharine!!! You do have a way of cutting to the bone of a problem! Well, today was horrible and I’m going to blog on it, but this message was really, really timely. Thank you. As for living down there, I would totally do it if I didn’t have a really, really good job working with my best friend in OK. She moves heaven and earth to help me, and I can’t leave her high and dry. But believe me, I’ve thought of leaving many, many times.


  6. Have a restful time away from writing for a while, Christmas blessings and peace as you enter the New Year! Patty


  7. Bird, men like Chef can not go at it alone. They always have to be with a woman. And they will have one lined up before they throw out the first one. He did to you and now he wants a replacement since T is leaving. The best thing you can do is move on withyour life. You are not over analyizing just being a reflective person, which I think is a good thing. Hope you have a great trip!!!!!


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