This week, Chef made a comment, and it really made me think. I thought I’d write out my thoughts on the subject as it really struck a chord with me.
Chef has been clean and sober for a couple of weeks. He’s under a doctor’s care now (I’ve personally seen the paperwork and the
medicines he is on), and I am relieved that he’s at least trying to get well again. I don’t believe he’s terminal yet, but he hasn’t been doing himself any favors abusing his body the way he has, so maybe he wasn’t really exaggerating his demise. The main reason I believe him when he says he’s been sober that long is because he’s starting to talk and sound a bit the way he used to, except with the unavoidable dopamine-diminished mood that always follows drug binges. Said plainly, he’s a bit of a downer these days. Now normally, because of the addiction, I disregard everything he has to say, or has said, for the last year because it either was so self-serving and twisted, it would make my head hurt, plain weird and incomprehensible, or it was an all-out lie. Either way, I’ve learned to really filter what I believe when he tells me something. Sadly, this is pretty common when dealing with addicted people.
Many times in the last few months, Chef has said he wanted me back. And every time he’s told me this, I feel a guard go up because while months ago I wanted my marriage fixed so badly I could taste it, now I’m unwilling to be vulnerable to that same degree with him, or anyone else for that matter. So, I invariably pick a fight with him, ensuring that the offer would be withdrawn. Even while I’m doing it, I know that is what I’m doing, and yet I feel like I can’t make myself stop. Chef being mad at me is easier for me to deal with than trusting him, or letting my guards down. I never want to hurt like I did ever, ever again. That really sucked.
A few days ago, he told me he cries about losing me, and when I went by the house, there are pictures of me all around it. Now, T still lives there, and there are no pictures of her. As a woman….wife, girlfriend or otherwise….my head would explode if the guy I was with posted pictures all around the house of the ex. I’m just saying… But instead of taking that as some kind of proof that he’s being honest, I immediately figured he’d put them out knowing I was coming over, and probably pulled them back down as soon as I left. I hate being so cynical, but it isn’t an impossibility, and I’m over believing what I’m told without some kind of real, tangible proof.
I basically told Chef that maybe he was just missing the naive girl who basically grew up with him in this marriage, but I thought maybe that girl might just be gone forever. Yes, I still have my basic personality I always had, and I still like to laugh and have fun, but the hope and faith that I had in him seems pretty much dead, and I don’t know if those traits and feelings are resurrect-able. He then went into a tirade about how all our friends and families had sided with me, and we had all left him no choice but to depend on T to be his friend and lover. Yeah. That’s when my brain checked out, too. That’s typical druggie reasoning, and it takes time for hardened junkies to think straight again. I let the rant go unanswered, but he’d planted a question in my head…Has Chef ruined something in me forever for anyone else?
I’ve had a man chasing me that makes me think that maybe I won’t hook up with anyone again. You have got to feel sorry for the first guy I go out with after this disastrous year, huh? I do!! The man, let’s call him A, is a nice, good-looking man. He’s respectful, polite, and totally into me, and only God knows why. I won’t go out on a date with him. I’m very stand-offish, won’t answer his calls, and yet I hear from him via text several times a day, and even though I’ve been very, very clear that I’m one confused, somewhat angry, still-healing woman, he seems to think that these many texts a day will soften me. I completely disagree. About two days ago, I stopped even answering them because he was actually getting too personal with me, asking me if I was sleeping alone and if I was still in love with my ex. I was so annoyed by the personal nature of his questions, I answered yes, I still loved Chef. But I don’t think I am in love with Chef anymore, so I basically lied. The real question here is did I lie to him or to myself? Do I still love Chef? When all the pain dies down, and wounds heal, will I still love him? Will I ever trust him or anyone else ever again? I just don’t have the answers to those questions. In a nutshell, I’m learning I can trust God and He won’t hurt me or let me down. Everyone else in a crap shoot.
At first, I was going to text A back the kind of barbed message guaranteed to make my point very clear, but then I started thinking, maybe that reaction is a bit harsh. Maybe I am changed forever from the person I used to be. I don’t really care if I get married again, or if Chef and I ever reconcile. Supposedly, T is moving into her own place Dec. 31 and Chef wants his wife back. When he told me this, I could feel the anger start rising in me again, but this time I didn’t pick a fight. All I said was “I’ll believe it when I see it.” Sounds snarky, but it was a lot tamer than my usual responses. Instead of getting mad, he just said, ” You’ll see. I’m getting my wife back.” When he left, I waited for that happy, hopeful feeling to come like it had so many times in the past, but honestly I felt nothing. It makes me sad to think I might be caught in a cold state of mind about love because of this garbage experience, but how do you make yourself trust and hope and feel when you just don’t? And then I started worrying about whether this coldness is a good example for Christ. I’m pretty sure it isn’t, but how do you make yourself warm up??? I don’t want to be this cold, guarded person for the rest of my life. I want to be able to trust a man again. I just don’t know how one goes about making yourself become vulnerable again.
Anyways, this has been what’s on my mind. Thank God, I’m going out-of-town for a spell right after Christmas so my mind will be too busy to focus on Deep Thoughts. Frankly, I’m sick of examining and analyzing this stuff. I need the vacation!
Hope everyone has a wonderful Christmas!!