Burning Bridges Over Polluted Rivers

It’s been kind of a long week, but I have to admit I am feeling pretty peaceful.

It seems to me that each time I’ve interacted with Chef, I’ve lost some of that “loving feeling”. Which in my case, is a good thing. I’ve noticed that he even looks

different to me, and after all of the lies, the affairs, the blatant way he has been using the few(two, if you count me) people left in his life, I have to ask myself — Do you really want to fix this mess, Catherine? And I’m okay with the answer. No. I don’t. Not at all.

I’ve always used the cliché “don’t burn your bridges”, but I’ve never really thought about just what that means. I imagine this life I had as a river.  The bridge and the river that runs underneath it are mutually individuals, but without one, the other doesn’t matter. This marriage’s river is polluted by drug abuse, infidelity, broken promises, broken dreams, broken children, lies, deceit, disrespect, and a million other bad things. Why would I want to try to patch this bridge up? The river is ruined…forever.  No. I’m okay with it burning right to the ground.

I believe anyone who wants to can change, and I don’t doubt that God loves Chef and wants him to come to Him for help and healing. But that isn’t my job, and I’ve found that the more I’ve tried to help, the worse I get hurt because Chef’s meth-ed out brain has become a labyrinth of justifications, accusations, and excuses for some really horrific behavior. He seems oblivious to the truth and seems to happily live in his bubble of lies. I don’t understand it, and frankly, I don’t want to. And just being around him for a little while is enough to bring out the very worst pain I’ve ever felt. I’m okay with never seeing him again. In fact, I find that preferable. I’m on day 3 of no contact, and I’m finding it easier to breathe. I went hours today without even once thinking about him. I made plans this weekend with friends, have kind of started my Christmas list for the kids, and have enjoyed my animals. Milo broke his hip earlier this week and it was touch and go if he would make it or not, but thank the Lord, he’s going to be a little lame from the deformed hip bone, but he’ll heal up just fine. I have a ton of beautiful things in my life starting with my patient, precious children, real, loyal friends, and running all the way down to my broken cat. I’m actually happy as I sit here typing this. I know bad days will come again, but they don’t seem to take my breath away anymore, and while I know I’ve developed a bit of an edge, I’m assured by a high school friend that I always had one anyways…lol. Thanks for that, Scott. 🙂 I know God will teach  me a million more lessons through all of this, but today’s was pretty cool …. He was always there; He always cared; This breaks His heart too; but I’ll be fine. I can still find things to laugh about every day, and turns out, it was never Chef that gave me that…It was God. So, today, I have hope. A lot of HOPE!!

On a whim, I bought City on a Hill: Songs of Worship, and this song really touched me. I’m one of God’s stubborn children, and I have to admit that there have been times in all of this that I was afraid He would give up on me. My behavior hasn’t been exemplary by any means at times. There have been days I didn’t feel Him around, and I just wanted to know He still cared; that He hadn’t forgotten this one child’s heart-break. Turns out, He was there all along, because if He hadn’t been, I’d either be dead or in jail for taking ole Chef out of the game of life. The bond of marriage to someone for decades doesn’t unravel easily, and this has really sucked. But, it is loosening, and I’m optimistic it will be severed completely soon. Happy Days!! I included the lyrics to this song because they touched me. I hope you YouTube it and listen. It strikes a chord in a broken child of God’s heart.

 

— Bird

You’re Here – Sixpence None The Richer

My life is up and it is down
I try to keep both feet on the ground
Your love is all that gets me through
All I need on this earth is you

And I can hear your voice reciting:
“I’m here, I’m closer than your breath
I’ve conquered even death
I am still here
And just like I was then
You can’t remember when I was not here”

Jesus, you’re the author of my heart
Told me you wanted every part
And now my life and its demands
Are resting safety in your hands

And I can hear your voice inviting:
“I’m here,
I’ll never leave your side
My stubborn weary child
I am still here
Please let me lead you on
Your race is already won
I am your God”

And I can hear your voice inviting:
“I’m here,
I’ll never leave you side
My stubborn weary child
I am still here
Please let me lead you on
Your race is already won
I am…I am…your God”