Good Days

I find it amazing that just one month ago, I was practically a basket case, crying myself to sleep, thinking that I’d never be able to smile again. Now, I have very few moments that I feel that overwhelming grief. Don’t get me wrong. Sometimes I sit and listen to the saddest break-up songs ever created and bawl like a small child, but frankly, that doesn’t appeal to me much anymore. Good days are more common now.

What I find weird these days is that now that I am able to cope and carry on, rather happily I might add, Chef seems hell-bent on getting me back. The thing that worries me there is that deep down, I’m not exactly sure I want to go back to my marriage. Yes, I still love that moron. But, I have questions that his words aren’t really able to answer. For one thing, what will keep him from doing this to me again? He swears nothing like this will happen again, but how do I know? He promised me this kind of security before, and we all see how that turned out. He is supposedly in the process of moving T out of his home, and from what I can see, it seems to be true. But, the long and short of it is that she still lives in my house. And then I ask myself, am I the biggest idiot ever for even considering going back to him? He did some scummy things to me. But, he wasn’t himself doing all those things, either, and I can’t help but take his addiction in account. He’s been clean for awhile now, and his old, happy-go-lucky personality is coming back, and I have to admit, I always did love how he could make me laugh.

But, at the end of the day, I think it is just to soon in his recovery…and mine…to really consider returning. I am really, really comfortable in my new apartment. I love coming in to my little pad, and it always feels like my hiding place from the world. I like not having to wonder 24/7 what Chef is doing, or not doing, and with whom. I like not having to scramble to pay bills I can’t afford, and spending my money on stuff I want. I like doing what I want when I want, and not having to check with anyone. I think, in a nutshell, I like being single!!

13 responses to “Good Days”

  1. when i finally moved away from my ex, i moved into what i will call a box apartment. it had everything i needed but space. i loved it. it was mine, my haven, i was boss of my own destinations, and i never looked back. oh don’t get me wrong, i played the sad music too, but it got more and more far in betweens. u r doing great, and let me tell u something to please, before i left for good and got my own pad, so to say, i did go back a few times, it was good maybe for two days each time. u can still love but u can’t change the spots on a leopard without much time at working on it


  2. I know that you’ve been busy..and getting settled in but glad to hear you’re doing okay.

    I think you’re right that it’s a little too soon to even think about getting back with Chef….There was so much turmoil with T. and Chef and his addictions that I don’t believe healing can take place overnight either physically or emotionally.

    For sure one day at a time is never more relevant than now for you…so enjoy the peace that you have…take care Diane.


  3. SOOOO good to hear from you!

    I have heard it said in some of the popular twelve step support groups, that for the first year in recovery (from an addiction,) it is best to not get into a new relationship, but to put all that energy into the recovery itself.

    Remember, if he has really changed, (repented, given up the addictions, and come back to God,) he will be so different, that it will be like being with a completely different person. (“Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone and the new has come!”-2 Cor. 5:17.)


  4. Echoing those who have said that perhaps the dust needs to settle a bit, I’d say let him get T all the way moved out, then let him court you for a year . . . without sharing a bed. See where you stand at that point. In the meantime, you sound much more at peace now. That’s a good thing! — Kelly


  5. I have missed you my friend, it is far too soon to consider reconciliation if that is by that time what you want, to say what he wants and is doing is one thing but T is still there, he needs to make a clean break of that and sort out his life himself before you can consider talking about going back, he also needs to address why it all happened in the first place, the easy answer will be well it was those around him but that is a cop out and we both know it, there will have always been these things around he needs to address why at this time he chose to take that route, because unless he addresses why it happened his promises of never happening again mean nothing


  6. I’m going to spare you what I think about the situation. Only YOU know what is best for you.. One day at a time.. I know you’re praying about it. Keep praying and the right answers will come. Take care of yourself. Peace to you my friend..


  7. Hi good to hear from you again! Take your time to make a decision, don’t feel pressured or intimidated into making a snap decision. And this time, choose for YOU not to please society, or Chef, or anybody else but yourself. Good luck, and I’m so glad you are feeling stronger and happier! 🙂


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