In all honesty, I’m doing better emotionally about all of this separation stuff lately, but I occasionally run into bumpy times, and tonight is one of those. Earlier in the day, someone asked me about what was going on with Chef, and it served as a launching pad for some of the thoughts I’ve been keeping at bay to resurface. I imagine I’ve mentioned before that I don’t deal with dramatic emotions very well. My stomach turns to knots, and I flounder about in my head trying to find something to take my mind off of painful or intense emotions and back into the controllable bay of my thoughts. The hyper-vigilance kicks in, and I start working on the problem without realizing that I’m falling back into the bad habit of trying to fix this marriage…again! And yet, I don’t want that guy back, so I confuse myself. What fresh hell is this, Oh Broken Brain???!!!
This evening, I just seemed to be unsuccessful at switching channels in my brain. Even prayer didn’t ease it, and I get the feeling I need to address some of this; I can’t hide from it forever, and for me to heal, the wounds need to be scrubbed out…which is always painful no matter what.
Because I found myself alone in the hotel room tonight, I tried to examine why I was so easily launched back into some pain by a casual question about Chef— not the horrible pain like in the beginning– but still enough to really make my stomach hurt. I’ve been doing so well, why is this one vague mention of him causing me to stress out about all of this all over again?
Being me, I decided…if this broken brain has to work on the problem, I’d like to set the goal on something that I actually want, not something the broken part of me seems to need. The goal is …I have no earthly idea. I know it can’t be a reconciliation. I don’t really even like the man he has become. There is nothing there left to admire. But deep down, I keep wondering if the Old Chef will resurface one day, and I will have given up too soon, and have lost the chance to have him back again. At the same time, though, I am afraid of him, so I don’t want him around me. Does anyone else go through this kind of insanity in their minds? It is giving me a headache.
I’m no fool. I know that it can never work out, and after the last conversation with him, which was just plain evil, I’m even more determined to change that behavior in myself that seems to attract these kinds of men.
I don’t so much miss Chef anymore; instead, I think I grieve for the comfortable stability of the life I had created with him as opposed to a future that I have no idea what is going to look like. Yes. I’m optimistic that everything will work out fine. How could I not? At the end of my life, I will be stepping into something infinitely better, and all this will be just another thing. But, it seems always so uncertain, and I’ve never felt this way before. When I was younger, I would just Forest Gump my way through, always believing that whatever I was doing could be fixed later if it was wrong, but I don’t think that way anymore, and it makes me feel a bit handicapped.
I know I’m grieving for the old Chef and my old life, even as dysfunctional as they might have been. He was responsible, dedicated to giving us a good home, made me laugh, and most of all, I believed him when he said he loved me, and we would grow old together, watching our grandchildren play.
I miss trusting someone, and I can feel those old walls going back up that make me isolate myself from people, especially men. I miss the trust. I can barely look any man in the eye anymore, and that makes me feel even worse. I actually went on a blind date with a guy, and I couldn’t even tell you what color eyes he had. I fled quickly, making an excuse. I can’t jump back in like that…it’s too soon, and any future man would have to overcome obstacles that these scars are causing me. Frankly, I don’t think a lot of men are going to up for the task. 😦
I keep reminding myself that I’ve been with this same man my whole entire adult life, and it is going to take longer than a couple of months to get over it completely, but I still have this tiny fear in me that I will never love anyone ever again like I loved Chef. And frankly, that blows. I loved being a wife, friend, mother, and confidant. But, even if I could “lure” him back, I would feel even worse if successful than this because everything would be a big question. The trust is annihilated. If he was a few minutes late from work, I’d be freaked that he was either scoring drugs or cheating on me. I would wonder what he was up to while I was at work. He has never been able to forgive and forget, so this last painful year would be a subject we’d have to relive over and over every time I freaked out about something that reminded me of it, or when he just happened to be displeased with me. There’s just been too much hurt on both sides to even think this can be redeemed.
And then I went down this fun road. What if it is just my ego that wants him to want me back just so I can have the fleshly satisfaction of dumping him on his butt the way he did me? I’m hoping that isn’t it. I’m always running this Public Relations campaign in my head and heart for him. Or what if I just want T to have a tiny taste of what pain she has caused me? I fight against those kinds of motives and thoughts all the time, but only God truly knows what our real motivations are. We are all good at rationalizing our behaviors, and burying our real intent down deep.
I don’t really know what the point of this whole post is. I guess I just wanted to sort out some of my thoughts. Sitting around, being haunted by the memories of all his sweet promises and all the times I cracked up at something he said or did; then, wondering if he’s making the same promises to T, and making her laugh the way he once made me laugh, is destructive and I figured trying to write what I’m feeling would take some of the sting out of it. And, I must admit, it kind of does. I feel a little more peaceful at the moment.
Also, I would like the Lord to note: I haven’t actually prayed for patience…lol. I know how that works!!
24 responses to “One Tired, Broken Brain Who Just Wants To Get Over All of This–Quickly.”
As you said, you were with him for a very long time.. so it’s going to take time, but it’s good to vent. 🙂
This writing thing is almost magical. I fell right to sleep after writing this, and I feel fine this morning. It’s crazy!
My dear you are not alone in those crazy thoughts. I go through the same thing myself. Don’t want the guy back really, don’t think I could be happy with him, don’t think I could ever trust him…but there is a part of me that thinks if only it had been different…if only I had done that. I still love him, well the nineteen year old I fell in love with 30. years ago..and so on and so on till I wonder if I am the crazy one. It will take a while to get someone out of your heart that has been there for so many years. I hope to meet someone and I hope sooner instead of later so I go on with my goals and put one foot in front of the other and take it a step at a time.
I wish I had magical words that could make the crazy go away but I don’t. All I can say is you are okay, it’s part of the process, you will be okay, it will eventually get better and you will have love again in your life…at least that is what I keep telling myself.
You are in my thoughts and prayers my dear.
I’m sad that you are walking through the same kind of path I am, but I’m thankful you are a little further ahead and can assure me that I’m not losing my mind! I hate those kinds of bouts with myself. They don’t make any sense, and I’m always a little afraid I’ll stay stuck in those feelings. Thank you for you wisdom, Ivonne. I love you too!
of course you are grieving for your chef and in some ways it would have been easier if he had died (am not wishing him dead) but you have to cope with seeing another chef who looks exactly like yours walking round but be assured he is not your chef…what ever he says to T whether he makes her laugh or not is irrelevant because the sad fact is if it was still your chef he would never have done what he did, the divorce will draw a line in some ways but until you take back control of your space and stop allowing him and T to encroach upon it I fear these confused feelings will continue. Wanting her to feel you pain is natural you may be a christian but you are still human, as i said before thinking nasty thoughts does not make you bad only acting upon them would (I can still make that voodoo doll if you want lol)
I know it doesn’t help but time is the thing you need to give yourself you will never love anyone else the same way you loved chef but thats okay because just because a love is different does not make it any less significant, think back to being a teenager and your first love, the way it made you feel then think about how you loved chef i guarentee the feelings were different but both special in their own way. its like children you love them equally but in different ways because they are each different have different needs one child may want to spend hours talking another hours cuddling does it mean you love the one you cuddle more than the other of course not.
You will get there dont be in a rush to get into another relationship put your faith in the fact that when it is time the right person will be placed n your path when you are least expecting it for now let your hair down and allow yourself to be just you you do not need to be a wife to have value or a even a friend you have value in your own right simply by being you xxx
It’s weird. I’m lonely, but not so badly I want to jump into a relationship. Yet, it felt good to know someone in the world still thought I was pretty. It was kind of a creepy thing, but at the same time, it did put to rest the thoughts that I will have to spend the rest of my life alone. 😦 Thank you for your wisdom and advice. I know you are right…I guess I’ve never really just been me!
My sister, it is as if you wrote of the pain that is in my heart also as I face the end of my marriage. I can do nothing more about it. I have prayed and will always pray for him. He never really loved me in the 16 years we were together but I kept thinking if I loved him enough, I could get him to love me back. Stupid, huh? I don’t like being alone, but there is no greater pain than being alone with someone who doesn’t love you. Be strong, my sister. God still has a plan for you….. and for me too. We just need to keep our eyes on him.
I got teary at the end there, Sweet Bird..Sniff…
Listen close until you know what God promise is for you, and remember that He can fix anything if it is in His will..He can end something and then teach lessons to those who hurt you better than you ever can. Plus He can bring anything back to life that has died. I know you already know all that but a reminder is always good! hey.. 😉
When I ended my relationship because of the same reasons as you I was given a promise from God, I knew that it was not over and that I needed to let things unfold in His timing and all the trust would be restored. It was, and I never thought He was out scoring or cheating. I trusted God and He has NEVER let me down and He won’t let you down either.
Sending comforting blessings your way as you struggle with ‘Not Knowing’ while you faithfully wait for the answers to come.. 🙂
lol..I was crying while I wrote it. I hate mood swings! God has not let me down during any phase of this and I have no problems trusting Him. At the same time, I guess I’m a little afraid that I won’t like the new life He has planned for me and then this sadness will stay with me forever. It is ridiculous, but there it is. I fell asleep right after writing this, and I feel much better this morning. I hate crazy roller-coaster emotions!
I completely understand…The life He has planned for you is so much better than anything you could control into your own reality 🙂
It’s fear of re-living past pains, but yet we still know somehow that they were for very good reasons and we wouldn’t be strong and faithful as much as we are if it wasn’t for them, we just always wish there was an easier way…Hey even Jesus wished that in the garden 😉 Blessings to you!
You realize that you don’t get over living and loving someone for all the years that you did…and because you’re at such a vulnerable stage right now…some of the good memories and times come back to you and you might wish you were able to be back there….Then reality kicks in and I think you know that it can’t be that way anymore. You need to grieve the loss of your marriage and the dreams that you had of growing old together…..and then Catherine you have to believe that there are more dreams to be had and there is someone that you will meet that is worthy of your trust and love. And that laughter and joy will come back into your life no matter what the future holds….Diane
I know I get impatient and I’m tell myself all the time, you can’t get over someone you’ve spent your life with for so long in less than two months…If I could, I’d have a fresh set of concerns about myself! Thank you, Diane, for the comfort!
Hmm. Well, dear heart. Ever wonder if sometimes we can’t quite let go of what we ‘constructed’ someone to be at a time in out lives? What I mean by that is during the times that are satisfying, edifying, completing, that we ‘construct’ this scenario where “this is how it’s ‘sposed to be’. And it is. This is how it’s supposed to be. Putting each other first, loving each other as Christ loved the church, then something evil comes along and messes it up.
I don’t believe in Angel/Devil stories, I’m sure you beat yourself up over things with Chef that you could have done differently. But all throughout the threads of the Chef posts, there is a constant theme of fear and devaluation.
Sweetie, you and I are worth being prized and loved and cherished. It completely bums me out that I might have to wait til Heaven to get that completely. But then I hear my kids introduce me to songs like “Ten Avenue North ” Where Jesus is asking, Am I not enough? Spoiled baby that I am, sometimes the answer is just “NO!” I want to be a wife again! A companion, a friend, a lover. I’m funny, smart, pretty, goal oriented, what’s the problem here?
One of the answers I got when Chris was dying was this “Nothing. Nothing, dear heart. Nothing is the problem but sin in this world. You, Bird, didn’t deserve this horror any more than Chris deserved his suffering and death. This sinful world has it’s hands in a grip around your neck, and that’s just the way it is until I come back. Healthy men have bad DNA that kills them. Funny, gentle souls like Chef get strangled by sinful habits. Its just heartbreaking. Enough to keep driving us into the arms of the Lord. Nicky Cruz once said that he is often lonely, but never alone. I don’t like that very much, but in these dry spells, it’s a little water. Love you bunches dear,
I love you, too, Vic. And I liked the part about being lonely but never alone. Thank you for the reminder!
😀 You have been nominated~
You are doing the right thing in battling the thoughts the enemy tries to dump on you. You know the truth, and the truth will set you free. It may not come all at once and it probably won’t come in a week or two, but freedom from this pain will come and you will be able to rejoice again. God bless you. I pray you will continue to have a good sleep every night. The Lord has you in the palm of His hand and there is no safer place.
this is what i miss also, a relationship, not being alone, someone to lean on in decision makings,someone i can trust
I know exactly what you mean!
I went through this for a long time after my husband and I separated. I didn’t know what on earth I would do! I felt extremely lost. I had become so dependent on the life I had with him that I didn’t know how to exist any other way. To top it off my relationship with God was not exactly up to par either.
I ended up coping through hobbies. I know that sounds silly.. I started out taking ice skating lessons, and I don’t know if you saw on my “about” page the picture of me with the fruit carved peacock, but that is how I coped. I started out teaching myself how to make edible arrangements, and that evolved into full blown fuit carving which I competed in a couple of competitions doing…
My advice is that you should find something you love. Perhaps there was something you already had before you got married that you gave up a long time ago?
I can’t begin to tell you how much it helped me. I started actually doing things for myself. I took up ice skating, fruit carving, cake decorating, dog walking… I re-discovered myself and learned how to love life with out the dependency of someone else to fill my emotions.
Sorry you hate mood swings, Dearest — It takes at least two years . . .
And I think God doesn’t want you to go back to Chef and I think I can find that verse in the Bible, if you want . . .
Would that even help?
Sure it would. I’d love to hear the verse.
I’ll start looking. I know it’s in there. Get back to you very soon. 🙂
Shoot. I was wrong. I am so sorry. I was thinking of Deut. 24: 1-4, but that’s not your case. I am so sorry. I spoke too soon. One of my big faults.