Motives Matter

Today was kind of a hard day for me, and it all has to do with my court hearing Monday.

One thing that I struggle with is knowing what my real, honest motives are about doing things. On the one hand, I’m not lying, and by the laws of the land, I’m well within my

Expect the unexpected.

rights to do this. But from a Christian perspective, I often ask myself if causing hardship on another person, no matter how much they might deserve it, is ever the way the Lord wants us to handle things.

This last week, my kids Rebekkah and Dj have been relatively peaceful. This is a huge improvement from a few weeks ago when they were almost as devastated as I was. We don’t talk about their dad these days much anymore, always choosing to turn our minds to happier, more peaceful things. I’m wanting their healing to continue, and as such, I don’t want them as witnesses in court against their dad, having to relive those horrible moments. They are adults, and they have their own opinions, but I’m the mother, and I’m putting my foot down about this.  I think making a child choose a side where the consequences can be pretty bad for the other parent is probably never a good thing. So, I’ve chosen to leave them out of it. No witnesses. I have a few other smaller proofs, but I’m thinking they won’t be enough for a permanent order.

And why do I really want to win? This is the question. I don’t live with him anymore. I don’t talk to him anymore. He’s already taken all of our stuff and hid it or sold it…there is nothing here to recover. I was only in danger at the end there when I was trying to save him from himself, but I’ve learned that harsh lesson very, very well. I can’t save him, so I no longer try. Am I really in so much danger I need this court order, or am I just trying to hurt him like he hurt me? Am I looking for a judge to condemn him so I’ll feel vindicated? And even should the judge do exactly that, even to the point of humiliating him in court, what do I really gain here? Nothing. God is my Vindicator. God is my Protector. God is my Healer. I don’t need a judge or court orders. I only need God.

Yesterday, God answered my prayers in a really big way, and between that and the book I’m writing, I’m feeling the forgiveness that before I was only constantly forcing myself to choose. God has sent me so many messengers about this book to write, and I was constantly putting it off because it is hard to write about the good times knowing that the ending isn’t happy. Yet, I’ve obeyed God, and turns out, it is turning out really well. And as I’m writing it, I’m remembering the laughing, happy, peaceful times, and while I may never have those kinds of times back in my life, I am blessed to have had so many of them to reflect on.

I don’t say that I won’t be happy or peaceful again. I will. But it feels like spiritually God is drawing a firm line in the sand, and I’m finding more and more “Christians” unable to choose to fear the Lord, and are beginning to fall by the wayside. That is grieving Rebekkah to no end, but for me, I only see that we are quickly heading to the end times when the Lord will call us to prove who we are going to serve, and all of us who have read our bibles know, we were never to expect that we would be treated by the world better than Jesus was. We are called to forsake everything for Him, and that isn’t usually a fun choice….Well, not yet, anyways. Once we step into heaven, it’ll all have been worth it.

We serve an Invisible King, and we are citizens of place we can’t see, feel, hear, touch, or taste. We are aliens in a world that constantly provokes the flesh we are dwelling in, and denying that flesh always makes for a constant war within us. Hence, I’m trying to differentiate what is my fleshly need for him to pay for his betrayal and doing what I think is right for me and the kids now. And my motives are very paramount here. I don’t want to fail my King.

And that leads me back to my problem with court. I have clear proof Satan has always hated me, and will do anything to hurt me, always trying to force me to give up. We all know, I’m not giving up my God, so life is going to look different for me, probably from now on. Knowing that, I don’t have much faith in the court system; instead, I’ve put all my trust in the Lord, knowing He loves justice, but also knowing that I am probably going to lose. And you know what? I don’t even care. The Lord is my protector. The Lord will handle all of this if I forgive completely and trust Him to handle my life. It’s becoming easier and easier each day. 🙂

This has been a really hard lesson for me, and I’d be lying if I said I don’t ever miss Chef’s smiling face or the way he used to make me laugh. But, even more, I feel like a very loved child of God who was rescued from harm, and that outweighs those weak moments I sometimes feel.

lol…This isn’t a depressing post, only hopefully, one that can show you that healing and learning are processes, and I’m well on my way. Oh, and that motives need to be examined constantly!

— Bird

37 responses to “Motives Matter”

  1. First of all…don’t be concerned about how your posts are perceived…as being negative or not…speaking for myself, I want you to write your true feelings…

    And while you’re right that we should examine our motives, I think that you and your family have been through enough trauma…not just drama… that ensures it is kept to a minimum in the future and so I see your actions as justified..I know that you’re concerned with how God sees them and I wanted to say that I believe in this case He is more than understanding of your reasons. The fact that you are at peace any way that it turns out is good though….just some thoughts Diane


    • Thank you, Diane. I do know I’m praying for God’s favor in court. And I am going to show up for the hearing. I want His will to be done, not my fleshly desires to be fulfilled.


      • i know and understand, but he probably doesn’t have the great way of thinking that you do!!!! u r strong and u r doing wonderful, although he may seem happy go lucky, underneath it all, he knows he is doing wrong and he knows he will lose and drown from his mistakes. he has given up much for a few thrills


        • True. But God has shut a lot of doors for me every time I’ve tried to balance out the finances things. I think He wants me to depend solely on Him. So, I’m willing to do that. But I do know I have to show up in court. I’m asking God to give me the words to say and that I would find favor in the Judge’s sight. 🙂


          • and he will, u can count on it Bird,,,,,u can count on it and not worry………god is wonderful, he hears your cries, he sees your pain, but most of all he feels your heart. love ya my friend


  2. Oh, it is so true that our motives can be wrong for doing the right thing, but it is also true that we must do it, anyway. Right is right.

    A parent has a covenant with his or her children. You are in covenant with your kids, one that has not been broken, like the one with Chef. You owe them proection of their spirits, souls, and bodies. Anything of real value that he stole, he stole from them, too. Anything expensive that you must replace is food out of their mouths, too. It’s not just about you. God expects parents to provide for the needs of at least the minor children, but also for the inheritance of all of them.

    If you cannot, so be it, but do try, for their sakes. Do not worry in advance, about the outcome, but just do your best, present your case, and let the Lord’s will be done.

    What time, Monday? We’ll be praying . . .


      • You got it, Catherine! Setting my phone alarm, now.

        Let’s all do this. C’mon, everyone! We can all take these dear people to the Throne, at or before 9, Monday.

        I will be praying that you, Dear One, can go into this with great calm and great trust in the Lord. With a tiny tinge of really hoping you win. 😉 Okay?

        ❤ Katharine


        • 🙂 Ok. I’ll allow a tiny tinge of hope that I’ll win…lol! I so appreciate this, Katharine. It’ll make me feel protected to know people are praying as I walk up to the judge. Thank you so much!!! ❤ U 2!


  3. Catherine….
    God is on His throne! And he can direct the hearts of men(judge) . I choose to believe that as a child of God your petition will be heard & God’s grace & mercy will prevail. I love you and my alarm is also set!!


  4. I watched my mother go through a very painful divorce from my father. They had been married for 21 years, before dad decided to leave. He was physically and emotionally abusive to both of us. Even after the divorce, we still lived in fear of him killing us, at least until he moved and married someone else.

    During the divorce, my mom wanted nothing but her freedom. She was entitled to so much more, but he secretly withdrew most of their life savings, (just a month or two before he left her,) and took most of the furniture and household items. Years later, she would often tell me how much she regretted not fighting for her fair share, because she could see how the lack ended up impacting both of us in the end.

    HOWEVER, The Lord was on our side, so who could be against us? The two things I regretted loosing most that had been promised to me from little on, a full-sized piano and a full set of golf clubs, (silly, I know, but they mattered to me, as I had been learning how to play the piano, and how to play golf,) Jesus gave their replacements to me, years later, just in time to use with my own children. Thank You Jesus Christ of Nazareth!!

    So, whatever choice you make, please think twice about it, but then be content with whatever decision you make. And know that whatever has already been lost, the Lord can restore all those things back to you, and then some!

    My prayers are with you still,
    C. Dunamis


    • That is exactly what I’m worried about, too. Will I regret not trying to at l least get back some of this stuff. Right now, the motorcycle is the only thing I know for a fact he still has. 😦 Even if I’m not being vindictive, it’ll still look that way to him.

      But I sure need that money right now. Still, I’m going to trust God and not worry about any of this. God knows what I would like to have back, but in the end, it isn’t anything that was going to escape the last fires anyways. What is truly important to me are my kids, and they will be in heaven with me.

      Thanks for sharing, C.!


  5. Am so pumped to see your blood moving again. Peace, Forgiveness and a host of other ‘healthy’ things have a funny way of coming ‘right on time’. Ironic, when in my experience, my ‘I want this to…now’ is rarely the right time for anything. Learning to wait on the Wisdom swirling around us has proven to be more exercise than pumping iron. There is so much at work on our behalf that we never see (or can control). To hear that dripping out between your lines is SO affirming. You ARE, in fact, Wonder Woman. I always suspected as much (ha!). Be well and be true to the book. I suspect it’s going to teach you more than any of us might suspect. Will keep my ears open for your thoughts. Rock on. Dan


    • lol…Wonder Woman? I don’t think so. But, I am one really peaceful, happy girl today!! Thank you for this wonderful encouragement. I always love to hear from you!!!


  6. “We serve an Invisible King, and we are citizens of place we can’t see, feel, hear, touch, or taste. We are aliens in a world that constantly provokes the flesh we are dwelling in, and denying that flesh always makes for a constant war within us.”
    “Once we step into heaven, it’ll all have been worth it.”
    These are stunning quotes – 🙂
    Good on you for challenging your own motives, this is an area of our faith that often gets pushed aside by too many.
    Fear NOT for if it’s in God’s will to dabble with your safety He has good and faithful reasons. Your obedience alone keeps you in His perfect will.
    All the best with the book.- The enemy will do everything he can to stop you writing it, Keep up the good work.
    Blessings to you!


Feel free to leave a comment.

Please log in using one of these methods to post your comment: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: