In my life, there have only been a few times that I have considered someone my actual enemy. As I think back over my life, I am pretty sure that it has only been a couple of
times that I’ve prayed that the Lord would bring someone to justice. David often wrote in the Psalms prayers that his enemies would stumble, fall, and fail. But to me, it always seem unmerciful to pray these kinds of prayers, so I just generally stayed away from them. Lately, with Chef, I’ve been more inclined to pray this sort of prayer, but last night, I realized all over again, it is Chef’s master that is my enemy, not Chef himself.
Something had been happening in the two days leading up to me deciding to leave, and I could feel in my spirit that I was at a crossroads. I had spent some time one on one with Chef, and let’s face it, I know him pretty well. I could see a twinkle of the old Chef in there occasionally, but it was always brief, and quickly gone. Then, through a random series of events that I never should have even known about, I found out that he had gotten our old house back, moved his girlfriend in with him, and was back on the drug that started this all out in the first place.
I went to see him one last time last night, because I wanted to feel closure. I wanted to say what he would never allow me to say before, always angrily running away. I told him that I could see him plainly now. I could see all the lies, manipulations, perversions of the last year. Even events from the last twenty years had come into focus for me, and while I was happy during that time, all the signs had been there that he would progress to this. I just hadn’t wanted to believe I couldn’t save him. Pride is an ugly thing, and I was full of it. This whole mess has broken that pride in me, and I’m very much a broken pot made of clay. I can save nothing and no one, not even myself. Only God saves those who want Him to, and I have no share in that glory whatsoever.
I have witnessed the slow, agonizing death of a soul, and it has been the scariest, most horrifying death I’ve ever witnessed. As he stood there in the home we had put together, his eyes were sunken and eerily dull, and I felt the dark spirit’s presence that had become familiar to me in the last year. Only this time, I was looking him straight in the eyes, and the grief I felt was enormous because Chef had chosen to serve this demon who hated him so much. Death was surrounding Chef, following him from room to room like a shadow passing along the walls; I was witnessing his spirit struggle to stay away from the light of the Lord that lives in this unworthy vessel. Lies poured out his mouth, excuses, reasons, and then wrath and rage bellowed out, all in a voice that I didn’t recognize. And not once did I feel afraid or confused. I could see my enemy, and it wasn’t Chef, and it wasn’t his girlfriend. It was the King of Lies, and Chef had chosen to serve him, reaping the rewards that only a king who hates his subjects would bestow.
People always think that it isn’t over until you’re dead. In fact, Chef would say that to me a lot. Time isn’t our friend, and always putting off decisions about your God and your choices until tomorrow is a fool’s game. It can, in fact, be over before you’re dead, as God has hardened many a heart who thought they would put Him off until later, wanting to live their lives in an ungodly way, but reap the benefits of eternal life.
American Standard Version (ASV)
16 For I am not ashamed of the gospel: for it is the power of God unto salvation to every one that believeth; to the Jew first, and also to the Greek.
17 For therein is revealed a righteousness of God from faith unto faith: as it is written, But the righteous shall live by faith.
18 For the wrath of God is revealed from heaven against all ungodliness and unrighteousness of men, who hinder the truth in unrighteousness;
19 because that which is known of God is manifest in them; for God manifested it unto them.
20 For the invisible things of him since the creation of the world are clearly seen, being perceived through the things that are made, even his everlasting power and divinity; that they may be without excuse:
21 because that, knowing God, they glorified him not as God, neither gave thanks; but became vain in their reasonings, and their senseless heart was darkened.
22 Professing themselves to be wise, they became fools,
23 and changed the glory of the incorruptible God for the likeness of an image of corruptible man, and of birds, and four-footed beasts, and creeping things.
24 Wherefore God gave them up in the lusts of their hearts unto uncleanness, that their bodies should be dishonored among themselves:
25 for that they exchanged the truth of God for a lie, and worshipped and served the creature rather than the Creator, who is blessed for ever. Amen.
26 For this cause God gave them up unto vile passions: for their women changed the natural use into that which is against nature:
27 and likewise also the men, leaving the natural use of the woman, burned in their lust one toward another, men with men working unseemliness, and receiving in themselves that recompense of their error which was due.
28 And even as they refused to have God in their knowledge, God gave them up unto a reprobate mind, to do those things which are not fitting;
29 being filled with all unrighteousness, wickedness, covetousness, maliciousness; full of envy, murder, strife, deceit, malignity; whisperers,
30 backbiters, hateful to God, insolent, haughty, boastful, inventors of evil things, disobedient to parents,
31 without understanding, covenant-breakers, without natural affection, unmerciful:
32 who, knowing the ordinance of God, that they that practise such things are worthy of death, not only do the same, but also consent with them that practise them.
This division between Chef and I wasn’t about the normal things that marriages end over — drugs, money, infidelity, strife. It ended because we each chose to give our whole hearts, minds, and souls to our masters, and mine is Jesus. His is not.
When all of this started a year ago, God kept me up one night, showing me that I needed to leave Chef. He promised I would not want to witness this, and yet, I gave myself excuse after excuse to stay with him. God was right. I never want to witness something like this again. But, as God is prone to do, He has also dropped some wisdom on me about this whole affair, and I am wiser, stronger, and more wary of my enemy than I’ve ever been before. God will turn all of this into a blessing for me and something that will shine His glory out to a very dark, very evil, very lost world.
I will mourn forever the choices Chef made, but I won’t choose follow anyone down that road again. I’ve seen how that master rewards those who serve him, and I’m un-inclined…My hope is in the Lord, and in Him will I find comfort.
27 responses to “Witness To The Death of a Soul”
i have stressed over words i used last night when i was trying to be encouraging. i said breasts, when i should have said chest. i was wanting to get the point across to hold your head up high and move forward, but i said it wrong and for this i apologize. even though today i feel the same way. i read your words and i feel your pain, so let me say it correctly today. hold God’s hands, hold your head up high, stand straight, chest out and march forth. you will be alright. the pain will heal, some memories fading, and with God’s help, you will do even more wonderful words in the future. hugs
Hugs right back, Terry! I appreciate your encouragement always!
thank you, and hope u understood my meaning………
Oh, I did!
o i m so thankful!!! don’t know what i was thinking. hehe, it was night time, is all i can say, tired brain, big day yesterday here at our house
God opened the door years ago for me to walk out of the marriage to my ex. It was the same reasons; I chose God, he did not. Just so you know doing so strengthened my faith to continue to do so as I am today.
One more note: I love the name Catherine because it is my name also and spelled exactly the same as yours!
I should have left when God first instructed me too. I’m paying for the decision now. But, I do see an end in sight and I’m headed out of this misery.
It feels weird to use my real name these days, but it is kind of cool to have kind of a dignified name instead the rather simple, unintelligent-sounding nickname Bird. I’m getting used to it. And how cool! I never run into anyone who spells it this way anymore. Most of them start with a K or end in ryn. 🙂
Catherine those words were beautiful. And you are correct whe someone has given themselves to the devil there is nothing that you can do it is between God and them. The ex said to me, ” I sold my soul to the devil for music” and his life is just one lie after the other. My prayers are with you.
Oh and I am told Alaska is beautiful.
Hi, Ivonne! It is horrible to watch as I’m sure you can attest. What is worse is the knowledge that it is only going to get worse…Man, it is hard to accept that the one I really adored is just gone…probably forever. It is mind-twisting to me.
stay you cathy
It was good in a sense I guess that you found out about Chef and moving into the house etc. and had that conversation with him but it must have taken a toll on you to witness such a display from a man you cared about and loved so much. It was a confirmation that what you planned regards to moving was indeed the best thing you could do for yourself. The scripture you printed was so apropos to all of it. You have a lot of prayer support and strength within yourself and you will be fine…but any change is difficult. You’re in my thoughts and prayers as usual…take care Diane
It caused me to feel grieved over him all over again. I guess I had hoped that as he stayed away from the drugs, the Rose-Colored Chef would come back. But, as my kids keep pointing out, he’s always been extremely self-centered, and they aren’t as surprised as I am. So much for being smart…. 😛
It seems to me that the truth has set you free! The hurt will heal and you’ll be stronger in time! You are His daughter and He loves you with an everlasting love. Praying for you and for Chef as well. Blessings…
Thank you, Arlene. I hope so!
Amazing post! It is somewhat difficult for me to read because a few years ago I was faced with EXACTLY what you are in the midst of. At the time I was reminded of the fact that Isaac was forced to walk away from his blessing (The well of fresh water he had dug for) But God reminded him that wherever Isaac dug for water he would find it because the blessing was upon him and not upon the land. Also be reminded of the prodigal son who had to sleep with pigs and be jealous of their food before he ran back into the arms of his father. I also have found it hard to pray for bad things to happen to anyone, even if they have hurt me badly, and like you I came close, However I continued to pray for them, imagining filling them up from the inside with as much of God’s love and strength as I had to give. Imagining the light pushing our all of their darkness. I surrounded them with angels and made sure to wear my own armour everyday. May God continue to bless you and strengthen you and comfort you…
Great Wisdom, thank water bearer…I can apply this to my life as well.
Thank you I am glad you were able to get something from it. It was heartbreaking at the time but WOW I am so blessed to have come through with my faith and blessings in tact! Bless you too!
oh that was supposed to be a smiley face not :0…and thank you for the blessing 🙂
I’m sorry that you were hurt by this exact same thing. It is illogical to me that people would continue to do this to their bodies when it destroys everything that they once were. I don’t get it. But I know this — if God can, I still want Chef in Heaven. If I had to lose a marriage to get him there, I’ll be okay with that eventually. 🙂 Right now, I’m trying to forgive, but I’m not feeling it.
I do understand. Often it is only in the circumstance of a loving relationship where a person lets their demons rise to the surface so they can see them clearly enough to fight them off. Your love for Chef has shone into him and his demons can’t bear it so they are coming out, but in order for them to come out they must first rear their ugly head and fight to stay. I know you are hurting and I know how hard it is to forgive when you are hurting. I used to say it out loud over and over sometimes even yelling it. “I forgive you! I don’t feel it but I will one day!” I Forgive you!” And now I truly do! 😉
Well. I’ve been yelling, but it hasn’t been “I forgive you”…lol.
Hahahahaha Ah Bless you! 😉 I did a lot of that yelling too! Lol
I think that more and more, in the days coming upon the earth, there will be more marriages breaking apart, just for this very reason. Sometimes I think that marriages breaking up because of drugs, money, infidelities, and strife, are just the after effects of that battle when someone starts to turn and serve the evil one instead of God.
You watching the death of his soul, reminds me of a dream I had about souls trying to get to heaven. http://dreamsofdunamis.wordpress.com/2012/09/06/trying-to-reach-heaven/ I agree with you; It is a heart-wrenching and life changing vision to witness!
Your postings on this web site, as you have gone through this painful change, has already reached out and ministered to other believers. I can say this because one of those believers is me. Reading your blog, has helped me to be aware that just because someone says they are a Christian, does not necessarily mean that they are. It is their actions that matter. (Their ‘fruit’.) It has also served to wake me back up to my own marriage, and to go back to praying every day for both of our continued salvation, and to not take it for granted as I had been doing.
“And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose.” (Romans 8:28, KJV)
Thank you my friend for your obedience to Christ!
You are so fortunate to see who the real enemy is–many people never realize that it isn’t the person in front of us–it is satan using people to discourage us and stop us in our Christian walk. It seems we always have to come to a place of broken ness before God can really use us that is because we are naturally prideful but when we learn humility than God can and will use us in great ways. You are so right about salvation–today is the day–putting it off is the worst thing a person can do and exactly what the devil wants them to do–
You have learned a great lesson. We do not war against flesh and blood but against principalities and powers. But we have been given weapons which are not carnal, of the flesh, but are mighty to tear down the strongholds of the devil. Just keep taking every negative thought captive to Christ, every thought that lifts itself up against the knowledge of Christ (2 Corinthians 10:3, 4, 5). God will bless this attitude toward your circumstances and though life is hard right now, you will be strengthened to move forward and find blessings beyond what you can ask or think right now. I pray that you “may be able to comprehend with all saints what is the breadth, and length, and depth, and height, and to know the love of Christ, which passes knowledge, that you might be filled with all the fulness of God” (Ephesians 3:18, 19). May God’s blessings abound in your life and your children’s lives.