In my life, there have only been a few times that I have considered someone my actual enemy. As I think back over my life, I am pretty sure that it has only been a couple of
times that I’ve prayed that the Lord would bring someone to justice. David often wrote in the Psalms prayers that his enemies would stumble, fall, and fail. But to me, it always seem unmerciful to pray these kinds of prayers, so I just generally stayed away from them. Lately, with Chef, I’ve been more inclined to pray this sort of prayer, but last night, I realized all over again, it is Chef’s master that is my enemy, not Chef himself.
Something had been happening in the two days leading up to me deciding to leave, and I could feel in my spirit that I was at a crossroads. I had spent some time one on one with Chef, and let’s face it, I know him pretty well. I could see a twinkle of the old Chef in there occasionally, but it was always brief, and quickly gone. Then, through a random series of events that I never should have even known about, I found out that he had gotten our old house back, moved his girlfriend in with him, and was back on the drug that started this all out in the first place.
I went to see him one last time last night, because I wanted to feel closure. I wanted to say what he would never allow me to say before, always angrily running away. I told him that I could see him plainly now. I could see all the lies, manipulations, perversions of the last year. Even events from the last twenty years had come into focus for me, and while I was happy during that time, all the signs had been there that he would progress to this. I just hadn’t wanted to believe I couldn’t save him. Pride is an ugly thing, and I was full of it. This whole mess has broken that pride in me, and I’m very much a broken pot made of clay. I can save nothing and no one, not even myself. Only God saves those who want Him to, and I have no share in that glory whatsoever.
I have witnessed the slow, agonizing death of a soul, and it has been the scariest, most horrifying death I’ve ever witnessed. As he stood there in the home we had put together, his eyes were sunken and eerily dull, and I felt the dark spirit’s presence that had become familiar to me in the last year. Only this time, I was looking him straight in the eyes, and the grief I felt was enormous because Chef had chosen to serve this demon who hated him so much. Death was surrounding Chef, following him from room to room like a shadow passing along the walls; I was witnessing his spirit struggle to stay away from the light of the Lord that lives in this unworthy vessel. Lies poured out his mouth, excuses, reasons, and then wrath and rage bellowed out, all in a voice that I didn’t recognize. And not once did I feel afraid or confused. I could see my enemy, and it wasn’t Chef, and it wasn’t his girlfriend. It was the King of Lies, and Chef had chosen to serve him, reaping the rewards that only a king who hates his subjects would bestow.
People always think that it isn’t over until you’re dead. In fact, Chef would say that to me a lot. Time isn’t our friend, and always putting off decisions about your God and your choices until tomorrow is a fool’s game. It can, in fact, be over before you’re dead, as God has hardened many a heart who thought they would put Him off until later, wanting to live their lives in an ungodly way, but reap the benefits of eternal life.
17 For therein is revealed a righteousness of God from faith unto faith: as it is written, But the righteous shall live by faith.
18 For the wrath of God is revealed from heaven against all ungodliness and unrighteousness of men, who hinder the truth in unrighteousness;
19 because that which is known of God is manifest in them; for God manifested it unto them.
20 For the invisible things of him since the creation of the world are clearly seen, being perceived through the things that are made, even his everlasting power and divinity; that they may be without excuse:
21 because that, knowing God, they glorified him not as God, neither gave thanks; but became vain in their reasonings, and their senseless heart was darkened.
22 Professing themselves to be wise, they became fools,
23 and changed the glory of the incorruptible God for the likeness of an image of corruptible man, and of birds, and four-footed beasts, and creeping things.
24 Wherefore God gave them up in the lusts of their hearts unto uncleanness, that their bodies should be dishonored among themselves:
25 for that they exchanged the truth of God for a lie, and worshipped and served the creature rather than the Creator, who is blessed for ever. Amen.
26 For this cause God gave them up unto vile passions: for their women changed the natural use into that which is against nature:
27 and likewise also the men, leaving the natural use of the woman, burned in their lust one toward another, men with men working unseemliness, and receiving in themselves that recompense of their error which was due.
28 And even as they refused to have God in their knowledge, God gave them up unto a reprobate mind, to do those things which are not fitting;
29 being filled with all unrighteousness, wickedness, covetousness, maliciousness; full of envy, murder, strife, deceit, malignity; whisperers,
30 backbiters, hateful to God, insolent, haughty, boastful, inventors of evil things, disobedient to parents,
31 without understanding, covenant-breakers, without natural affection, unmerciful:
32 who, knowing the ordinance of God, that they that practise such things are worthy of death, not only do the same, but also consent with them that practise them.
This division between Chef and I wasn’t about the normal things that marriages end over — drugs, money, infidelity, strife. It ended because we each chose to give our whole hearts, minds, and souls to our masters, and mine is Jesus. His is not.
When all of this started a year ago, God kept me up one night, showing me that I needed to leave Chef. He promised I would not want to witness this, and yet, I gave myself excuse after excuse to stay with him. God was right. I never want to witness something like this again. But, as God is prone to do, He has also dropped some wisdom on me about this whole affair, and I am wiser, stronger, and more wary of my enemy than I’ve ever been before. God will turn all of this into a blessing for me and something that will shine His glory out to a very dark, very evil, very lost world.
I will mourn forever the choices Chef made, but I won’t choose follow anyone down that road again. I’ve seen how that master rewards those who serve him, and I’m un-inclined…My hope is in the Lord, and in Him will I find comfort.