One Pilgrim Who Wants To Burn Down Vanity Fair and Everyone In It

I’m a huge C.S. Lewis fan, but lately I’ve been reading The Pilgrim’s Progress by John Bunyan, and I have to say that it kind of makes me feel peaceful.

I’ve often said that if your life is clicking by smoothly without many hitches, you are probably not on the right path…Godwise. For all my non-Christian friends, I mean no disrespect. But for Christians, it was never promised that life was going to be easy. We were not to expect to be treated any better than Jesus was, and the Man was crucified. He was betrayed with a kiss from a friend. He was unjustly accused and convicted. He was denied. He was alone, a God on earth, and He had to have felt that difference between Him and every other person He’d ever met.

Lately, I’ve felt really lonely. I have my children, but I’ve been trying to push them away a bit because while I was a mess, they took care of me, but it was taking its toll on them as well, and it was time to start pulling my life back together. I studied the stages of grief, and it would seem I’m the poster child for them. Now, I have my good days, but then I have days that I just can’t believe how much I want to talk to Chef again about the kids when they were little, or ask him how his day was, or even sit down and work out a problem with him. But, the times I do interact with him, he seems so foreign to me, I feel even lonelier, knowing that I might as well have buried the man. Chef is gone.

I have been trying to keep busy. That was advice a lot of you gave me, and it works pretty well. I’ve started writing my book, though, I can tell already I’m going to have to re-write the whole thing. It travels over peaks and valleys like my moods do, and it makes me dizzy to read it….lol. I feel like a weirdo because I can make all kinds of jokes at the same time I’m weeping uncontrollably. I feel like a mental patient. Maybe Chef is right. Maybe I’m losing my mind!!

I’m reading the chapter now in the book where Christian and Faithful are in Vanity Fair, and they already know one of them is going to die. What I found interesting is that they each secretly hoped it would be themselves. It talks a lot about the accusations that were thrown at them, and how they kept silent. I have a hard time with some of the things Chef has slung at me, and to stay silent is really hard for me. But, for about the last three days, that is what I’ve been doing. I’m refusing to return insult for insult, and Chef seems to be calming down a bit. The kicker is though, that I’m thinking he is assuming that because I won’t argue about whatever nonsense he is spewing, I’m agreeing with him. That annoys me.

In the book, it talks about how they were unjustly accused, and people bore false witness against them. This has happened to me, with people who were adamantly defensive of my position, suddenly not wanting to be involved. No, it wasn’t any of my friends. But this guy was all blow and no go, and now there is damage in the house that I left in good condition, and guess who gets to pay for it? I’m the only one with a job, if you’ll remember.

Still, I secretly hope that I’m Faithful in all of this mess. He was bold, honest, and strong. And even at the end, his faith could not be shaken.

My faith isn’t shaken, and I can actually be happy that at least I know I must be a terrible threat to satan for him to try this hard to kill me, but I feel like I’m just wondering lost in Vanity Fair, and every time I turn a corner, there is a mob there attacking my family. Frankly, the quicker I exit Vanity Fair, the happier I’ll be!!! Where the Hell is the OFF RAMP!!!!

— Catherine