How I Make It Rain In Tulsa

I have a lot of things in my life to praise God for. I have my precious children. I have my absolute best friend in the world, Audra. I have my brother Ernie and his girlfriend, Diane.  I have those wives that keep checking up on me…I love all of you!!  I have a large network of people praying for me and encouraging me through this disaster area I call a life right now, both on-line and in person. I can only wallow in self-pity so long because in comparison with other people going through similar circumstances, I’m very, very fortunate.

I don’t know what men go through that triggers this weird need to destroy everything they’ve worked for in order to start all over again. I’m not sure I even want to anymore. But, as the jilted wife, I can tell you, this blows. Last night, I thought I was coming out of my skin. I knew he was being unfaithful all along, but to have tangible proof in hand is a hard pill to swallow. And poor Rebekkah…seriously, what were the odds we’d end up at THAT bar?? The poor girl felt horrible.

I think I needed to see that letter. It was painful, but now I can move on. He obviously has.

This morning, I’m peaceful and calm. It is simply over. I feel like David when he was praying that his and Bathsheba‘s son wouldn’t die. He dressed in sackcloth, and weeped, begging God to save his child. But when the child died, he got up, cleaned himself off, and broke his fast. It freaked everyone around him out, but I get it. The marriage is just over, over, over. Why weep and cry for it now?

I’d apologize for my little freak-out post, but I don’t think I need to. Sometimes, honesty is just so uncomfortable. If just one husband ever reads what this does to his wife, the pain that is seared right into our souls, and decides not to act on his own fleshly desires, it’ll be worth it. Same goes for wives. We shouldn’t be hurting one another.

I called Audra last night, and while we talked, I finally gave up the last vestige of hope. I’ve been grieving a person who simply doesn’t exist anymore. The things that Chef has said and done over the last year are just the opposite of what my husband would ever have done. The fact that he gets some joy out of hurting me is enough for me to walk away. Hurting people is never in God’s plan for us. We are supposed to treat each other as we would want to be treated. No one wants to be cheated on, lied to, or left behind.

He has set down a path that I don’t want to be on anyways. I may be dealing with hard emotions right now, but I can look myself in the eye in the mirror. My conscience isn’t clouded by adultery, lying, or secrets. I have given in to fear and anger a few times, and I’ve apologized to the Lord for those things. But, something in my spirit knows that the Lord knew how much this hurt me, and I feel His mercy every time I turn around. He is probably sadder about all of this than I am, if that is possible!

If satan could have planned this all better, I just don’t know how. That the girl is a proclaiming Christian is just a smack in my face. The bigger slap is that I gave this girl money last year to pay her rent. I have this thank you note written in the exact same handwriting that this love letter to my husband is written in, and it makes me feel grieved that she somehow thinks God will bless what she and my husband are trying to build. But, as angry and hurt as this makes me feel, I’m choosing to forgive both of them. I don’t want to walk in their shoes. My husband destroyed our marriage, and who he did it with is irrelevant. So, even though I don’t feel it at all, I’m choosing to forgive both of them.

On another note: All you Tulsans, I would like to point out that each time I’ve thrown my husband out, we have gotten rain in Tulsa. In fact, only those particular days have we gotten one drop of rain!!  Last night, I threw the man out of my heart, and we got a nice little thunderstorm. Weird coincidence? I think not.


35 responses to “How I Make It Rain In Tulsa”

  1. HAHAHA! Awesome! Right, though, he is sadder about this. None of these mistakes are his will, good thing he’s a better parent than all of us and much more forgiving.
    I am glad you can look your hot self in the eye with a clear conscience, my dear. Sometimes it feels like we just get punished for doing the right thing, but God sees it all.
    Can you throw Chef out in Colorado so we don’t have any more fires? hee-hee.

    Much love on this beautiful day,



  2. Forgiving doesn’t mean forgetting and as your daughter posted yesterday it is all about learning lessons even the ones that suck, your lesson is your are a far better person than either of them, the plus side of non christian friends is we can wish for karma to pay a visit for you, failing that I have a spell book lol have never tried before but maybe the one to remove warts said backwards (go on admit it that made you smile lol)


  3. Bird, my heart rejoices as I read this post. You are right… God’s heart aches, more than yours I think. He will pull on this young woman’s ‘Christian heart’ and He will, in due time, allow heartache to burst her fantasy. It is easy to believe the lies that men will spin when we let our guard down.

    I admire you and will pray for you.


  4. Good to hear that you are feeling better. Good for you to forgive them. This is a hard time but you will survive and be stronger for it. They say that God can never really use a person until they are broken. I suspect God has some great days ahead for you in serving Him after you’ve weathered this “storm.”


  5. My Dear! I rained even down here! It was a heavens-shattering night. I am believing the entire drought has been broken. And God is speaking, although we only thought it thundered. 21 more days . . .


  6. God’s heart is broken as yours is….Since you now know that the marriage is over you can begin to move on with His help and that of your friends both ‘friends in reality’ and those online…take care..Diane


  7. God closes a door to open something better for us!
    I’m glad you are not hurting anymore and you are on your way back to building your life with your loving family, friends, blog-family and everyone else!
    I’ve been thinking about you a lot recently..and when I did, you posted something!
    I wish I could hug you, but I’m sure God is taking care of you!

    And the rain is so not a coincidence!!!!!
    Luv ya Bird xx


  8. Do not fear, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name; you are mine! When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they will not overflow you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be scorched, nor will the flame burn you. For I am the LORD your God. Isaiah 43:1-3
    Behold, the former things have come to pass, now I declare new things; before they spring forth I proclaim them to you. Isaiah 42:9


  9. Bird….I think of you often and pray for you. We live a strange paralell life – Ironic how you are christian in faith and I am Buddhist verging on pagan lol…and yet so many similarities. amazing. Your honesty brings me comfort. Peace,

    There’s always a horse farm in chilly Canada for you to chill at if you need a getaway. 🙂


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