Broken Girl

 

Sometimes, when I begin to write on this blog, I worry about hurting God‘s reputation. I love my God; I love every single thing about Him, even the stuff that hurts me. I never want to give His name a black eye. So, lately, I haven’t been writing much because I’m sad, angry, hurt, and scared. All the things that a child of God probably shouldn’t feel if they really, honestly trust Him. But I’m flawed to a spectacular degree, and right now, I would just do anything to know Chef might come home again someday. But, on the other side of that, I know he probably won’t. Free will just sucks, wouldn’t you say?

But honesty is a virtue, especially in this lying, broken world we live in, and since I can feel Him pushing me towards this blog, I’ll write.

God, I love my husband. I have all of these good memories of him over the past two decades, and the fact that he is gone is just so painful, sometimes I think I’m just going to drown in the sadness. I keep thinking that tomorrow will be better, and in a way, it is. I don’t break down and cry as much, but I’m really freaked out because I can’t pay my bills, my kids are really sad, my son also has an addiction he can’t shake, and I can’t fix any of it. What a time for God to manifest His power, right?

I hate living here now, because I’m haunted by the fact that I could possibly run into Chef with his new girlfriend(s), and I will have to see what my lack of courage has wrought. A year ago, I should have kicked him out and made him hit rock bottom, but I didn’t because I loved him so much. I didn’t want him to experience any pain, and by protecting him, I only destroyed what I loved so much. I will mourn this forever.

Today, I’m trying not to get evicted from my home. I’m trying to find a rehab for the poverty-stricken for my poor son, who isn’t handling his father splitting all that well. I’m trying to pretend to be optimistic for Cait, who is on leave from the Air Force, all the while, saddling Rebekkah with half of the bills. I am lost. I feel shoved aside because I am no longer young, needy because I need help, and I have no pride in anything anymore.

So, there you have it. Bird is broken. Make of it what you will.

— Bird

 

 

 

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134 responses to “Broken Girl”

  1. Hi Bird, I’m Dave Knick’s wife – I know you both chat over the blogosphere. First, my heart breaks for you, but on a practical note – The Salvation Army has one of the most successful rehab programs there is. It’s free and is at least a 9 month program. I am in recovery and absolutely recommend it. Just call your local SA community center and they should be able to help you. If you want I can find out more if you email me more info. I don’t know you but you are in my prayers! Blessings! Vanda

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    • Bird, my heart aches for you because I was where you are 20 years ago. My life was in shambles and it looked like there was no hope, but there is. God picked me up and carried me through it. Otherwise I would be dead. The best advice I can give is to get close to God as much as possible; read his word and allow him to heal the pain. And don’t worry so much about your emotions right now. It took me 3 years to forgive my ex. but I did. You can do this…

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  3. Bird….
    Your writing always makes me think…and what I am thinking right now…Is that you are beautiful Inside and Out…I know your heart is broken into a million pieces. So if there is anything I can do to help pick up any of them I am here….I love you and your family.

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    • You’ve always been the best kind of friend…faithful. I want so badly to know he is okay. That’s what you can do for me. I love you, Trish.

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  6. Bird, I am so sorry for where you are. Sometimes it seems like God is so so silent when we want an answer, inactive when we want action. In times like this I tell myself that the very idea that I want it, that I can’t sit “in it” and just process might be part of the lesson. I try to stop figuring out why. I try to remember that somewhere, there is always–ALWAYS a rainbow after the storm. Flowers will bloom, and in the sometimes annoying manner of life, we will continue on. You are precious. God gave us our feelings as well. Even people who have a belief in God experience darkness. How could we recognize his greatness without something to contrast it with? How could we truly know happiness and security without knowing sadness and insecurity? It’s not possible, because if everything was joy and faith and love, always, they would be rather meaningless. But He knows we never really leave him, that our anger doesn’t really mean anything, and He should because He created us. We are HUMAN, with all the trappings that come with that. I think as long as you hold on, the storm will recede, and there will be flowers and rainbows for you to take joy in. Despair is defined as loss of hope. Every day ask yourself, do you despair? My guess is, if you are still holding on to God, then no, because He is the hope–for a better tomorrow, for a better everything. But a loss of hope, or despair, is not sadness, anger or bitterness, and you have the ability to process and work through those. As long as you maintain your hold on God, all is not lost. It will be O.K. He has not forgotten you.
    Love and Hugs,
    Arnel

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  7. I’m so sorry Bird. I would like to be able to say more, but I can’t. You need God, and I’m not too close to him at the moment. I will pray for you though. He still listens I think.

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  8. I made it and so shall you. You will be even better for all you will have to endure. It has been 15 years since I have had the police remove him and I am just now coming to terms with forgiving him for all the things he did to me. It takes time. I had no one to talk to and you have actually the world. So embrace what you can of that , that others bring here in words and eat right, sleep good and think with a CLEAR HEAD you lived before him and you will now. He has made his choice be it painful but you are still alive and have children who love you. He is a sick man so full of himself do not let him continue to make you feel useless, you had a purpose, you loved him and made children, it is he who is Challenged by GOD not YOU

    God has you COVERED for you are his child. I used to think God had stopped loving me lol but now that I know real joy I know he never stopped, he was just trying to let me see.

    Bless you and the challenge you face take care, if you need an ear I will always be here, as one who survived all the BS that one woman could take.

    oh and SMILE it will really make you feel better, do it often 🙂
    Eunice

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      • Just like the rest I am trying to tell you that you are loved and will make it through better and stronger than ever xo

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          • Isn’t that the truth! I have always been trying to please. Parents, friends, boyfriends then ex. In away I am so glad he did what he did to me for the last time I was broken and beaten but I called the police 1st time in 13 years that day I wanted to live. I swear I am no longer that girl. 🙂 I am strong and free finally I am here to listen anytime that is what a sisterhood is supposed to be not what those woman are doing with your husband like I said I was in your world 15 years ago I stayed 12 yrs. and 364 days too long with him I just wanted him to love me. Thankfully I had no children with him God is Good

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            • Thank you for a true sisterhood. I agree about what the women he is messing with are doing. But Chef is the one who is making bad decisions that effect me, so I try not to fixate on these women. They all have their own consequences to deal with…They are God’s problem. Right now, I would give my right arm for Chef to just get some help. He is worth saving. But you are also right about not staying with someone who is hurting you, and you made the right decision. God is Good!!

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              • I am with my 1st love from when I was 14 and Mom said it was puppy love lol so it is true if you part and it is ment to be he will be back but you get healthy and smile dress up and look pretty be strong I found out a long time ago all you get is pity any other way. 🙂 I never would have ever been on the internet with my ex lol Trucking helped me to sort things out you need to find something too I know you can. Like I told you months ago I rode as well left many friends behind to live again and had they been real friends no one could have stopped them from seeing me funny the things I learned just a mere 15 yrs back lol Just put one foot in front of the other mine took every cent I made in the savings over $6000 and left me with $330 with $1180 mortgage due in 3 days it was hard I gave up so much sold all my guns for pennies on the dollar but I made it and I have faith you can as well we are survivors HUGS

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  11. Dearest Bird,
    I clicked “like” above, but I don’t like this — just love that you are communicating. Miss you so. Still want to come see you 9/8 weekend. Have sent your link to a Debby Hudson, officer in S.A., sweet, loving woman, who probably can get your son started down a good path near you, if he’s willing.
    That’s all I can think of except that I am praying for you and for Chef (I know you want both). Much love, K

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    • We’ll definitely meet up when you are here. I need to enlarge my group of friends..lol. Just send me an email with specifics, and I’ll get you my phone number. Thank you for hooking me up with your friend for my son. And thank you for the prayers!

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  12. I haven’t felt your particular pain…and do not want to sound simplistic. I have no words to practically help you but can only offer an encouraging word. Ps 34.18: The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.

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  13. And as for your comments:”So, lately, I haven’t been writing much because I’m sad, angry, hurt, and scared. All the things that a child of God probably shouldn’t feel if they really, honestly trust Him.” Didn’t stop David & the other Psalmists and I don’t think they gave God’s name a “black eye.”

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    • Good point. But I’m not playing in the same league as David so there is reason to be cautious…lol! Still, God wants me writing, so He had to have known the risks, right?

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  15. I also want u to stay as close to God as you possibly can, and this is the reason.You slip before you realize it into depression. When I threw my ex out, I knew it was the right thing to do, but I still slipped. I went into a depression fast er than u can say monkeys ass. i ended up not eating for days and even quit the only job i had, and i lost sight of god through my own pain and hell, but god would have kept me safe if i would only have listened and turned to him even more, but instead others had to end up babysitting me from my own suicide, and it took me a long time to heal, years. i blamed myself for not trying harder, not doing this or that, but i couldn’t fix something that didn’t want to be fixed. i did climb up and i survived a better person without all the crap that he brought into my life. for this reason, i write all my feelings on here, because it helps me to survive. i admit out loud i need the support of friends. it is worse to suffer alone, believe me. talking it, writing it, is a healing in itself. we don’t realize it as we are putting it to words or saying it to someone, but god is healing us even through this stage. hang tight Bird, cling to us, say the things you want to say, even if it sounds nasty because god knows you need to get it out in order to move forward with your life and heal…….love ya bird, always here for you

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  16. Hi, bird. I’m Debby, the one Katharine mentioned in her comments. There is a Salvation Army ARC in Tulsa. Here is their address and phone number:
    Tulsa, Adult Rehabilitation Center
    601 N. Main St.
    Tulsa, OK 74106-5163
    918.583.6119

    If you call ask to speak to the Intake person. They’ll be able to tell you the requirements for admission which is usually age and some form of ID. They can tell you how long their program is, generally six to nine months. As another person said, it is free.

    Katharine also mentioned an important factor: the person needs to be willing. Willingness is what makes any program successful.

    I’m not an expert, but my experience has shown family members who attend Al-anon meetings benefit greatly. Al-anon is NOT about fixing the other person. If it’s a well run group and applied correctly, it becomes your program in the role you play as a family member.

    We are spiritually and biblically based and after reading your post, I see you have a deep faith.

    On a personal note, I don’t think it’s wrong for Christians to feel hurt, angry, scared or sad. Those emotions usually draw us more to God. I pray in the midst of your sorrow and pain you’ll feel his love and know his provision for you. You seem to have a good support group of blog readers. You’re blessed. Thank God even for the smallest. It’s hard but somehow God turns that into just what we need.

    Feel free to email me if you need any other information. You can email me at mchudson77@aol.com

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  18. Hi Bird,

    I wish that I could help in a more tangible way. Just from reading your blog for a somewhat of a short time, I know that you are a strong woman who is full of faith and optimism. The fact that you are able to be so honest with your sadness and your hardship proves this. Your strength will get you through these times, I know it! Hang in there, be patient, and use the support system that you do have. I’ve never prayed too much, but I will think of you and your son in a similar manner. Thanks for writing. You are a role model.

    Take care,
    Anna

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  20. “It’s not right but it’s okay, I’m gonna make it anyway” by Whitney Houston

    “I Look to You” also by Whitney

    (Hoping these lyrics can give you the type of encouragement, strength, and insight that is untouched by human hands.) With love, hugs, and all my heart.

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  21. I just wanted to say thank you for sharing your pain in such transparency. Your words are a sobering reminder of the blessings that I have in my life. They make me want to hold my husband tighter. Thank you.

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  22. I know it hurts right now,believe me I do I don’t know if you read my post last week ‘broken’ but believe me you are far stronger than you realise and you will come out of this with your head held high,

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  24. I am very sorry for all the pain you are going through now Bird. I don’t know what to say except that I will keep you in my prayers. You are a smart, strong and devote person and I have a feeling that you will come through all this stronger than ever. But in the mean time I know there is not a lot we blog followers of yours can say to make things better. May God Bless you and keep you and your family in his loving arms.

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    • Joy comes in the morning, right? Thank you for your friendship, Laf. You’ve been with me every step of this long process. I appreciate it!!

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  25. Hi Bird,

    Seems when we step out in faith for Jesus the enemy comes at us the hardest. Does not want us to save one soul in this fallen world.

    GOD has created us to be warriors for Jesus Christ, we fall down and GOD gives us the supernatural strength to get up over and over again. It may be time to find a good christian counselor to help sort out your emotions. I am praying for you and your family.

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    • Therapy is never one of the things I reach for. I kind of freak out a little about paying someone to listen to me. I know. Weird. But I’ve tried numerous times, and I just can’t do it.

      I know God created us to be warriors, and I know I’ve been wounded, but I also know I’m not dead yet. 🙂 I’ll make it. It is just going to take some time.

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  26. I hear the sadness in this article. I can feel it. It’s a familair feeling and a recent feeling of my own. I miss my ex too, and I think of him often. Been tempted a few times this past week of trying to get a hold of him. But he was recently convicted of violating the restraining order and had the book thrown at him in court….so….he probably wouldn’t be open arms to see me, even though he brought it on himself. He is not healthy for me so I stay away. I also cry less and my days are much better except I deal with money issues too. I thought I was going to be evicted too this past week and I’ve been a nervous wreck. But its worked out for now. Hang in there sister and cling to His Word. Try to remember a time in the past where things were sad & difficult and how you were able to overcome and get through them. And when you were going thru it that you couldn’t see anyway out or light at the end of the tunnel. Remember how you DID pull through and get through it. You’re strong, I know you are! My prayers are with you Bird. Love you in Christ! ~~~Michele

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    • Michele, you have no idea how this comment made me feel better. I know I did the right thing, but I hate that I did it. I know he isn’t good for me anymore, but I keep having to keep myself from calling him. My ex won’t be forgiving me any time soon. Still, I know I’m going to get through this….I just feel like I may never love another person like this ever again. Wow. I think you and I are on the same road! We’re having an emotional road-trip together!

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  28. I prayed for you today even before I read your post. Like everyone else here I wish I could help but probably the only one who can truly help is your Lord. He loves you so much–There is a song that was written by a minister whose wife walked out on him because she no longer wanted that life she wanted to go out and have fun. In his brokenness he wrote the song–“No one ever cared for me like Jesus–no other friend so kind and true-no one else can take the sorrow from me—if I can find it I’ll wrtie it out on my blog “simplemeditations” As far as the emotions you are going through –it is perfectly normal–don’t always try to push it down let some of it out. You can open your heart and tell God how angry you are or how hurt you are. He’s a great listener and He answers too. Journaling is another good way to get through this or just sit down and write letters to Chef pouring out your heart. When you are finished throw them away. It will help to get your emotions, even the darkest, most awful ones out on paper. Just destroy it afterward. God is always good and His plans for you are good. He will help you in unbelieveable life changing ways in these days and weeks ahead. You can’t see it now but later you will look back on these days and realize God had a special plan for you all along and He is allowing all this for a reason.

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    • I was kind of already doing that. I wrote a couple of letters to Chef, though I had no intention of ever giving them to him. I have a brand new journal a friend gave me, and I’m using it to write about my new life. I do know that the pain will only go with God’s help. And He is helping me, though it might not be looking like it much right now. But, I know I have to keep writing. God points that out to me a lot, so I am trying. Thank you for your words of wisdom. I appreciate it!

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  34. Religiosity sucks. We have this idea that we should be able to float through everything, a neat and tidy Job-smile plastered on our plastic faces. Jesus MOURNED. He WEPT when life got to be too much. He got tired, and burdened, and openly expressed Himself – and we have this high-and-might idea that we should leap through the daisies when we fall apart. NEVER sell yourself short by allowing guilt over your ‘lack of faith’ to creep in. Your circumstances would sucker-punch the best of us. Life is often messy. It hurts. It looks impossible. It is at just this phase in all of the Biblical accounts of Biblical heroes when God steps in – in His own timing, in His own way. Hold on, girl – you WILL make it through this fiery trial…

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      • There is a big difference between knowing in our heads and knowing in the wounded places in our hearts. This I know all too well. give it time to travel those difficult inches ‘south’ – the deepest learning occurs in the dark places, doesn’t it? I am so sorry that you have to walk this road – but remember that you never walk it alone, EVER!

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  35. Dearest Bird,

    I creid when I read this post. I am praying for you and your children, and for Chef.

    There was a photo that I first seen on your blog a while back, and seen it again on another’s web site. I post it here again, along with the blogger’s prayer, for I think it just flew back into your tree…
    http://www.sharetestimonies.blogspot.com/2012/08/today.html

    I realize this may be the hardest thing to do, but try not to take his behavior as a personal attack upon you. As the Lord reminds me frequently, “It is never between you and another; it is always between you and satan. Never make it a personal matter.”

    I pray that the Lord will remove the demons troubling Chef from him, and that he will come back to Christ, you, and the kids. In one sense, I feel for Chef, for one day he will suddenly realize what a stupid thing he did, leaving such a beautiful, loving woman and the children he had with you, and be filled with great sorrow and regrets. I pray the Lord will be with you and him both mightily especially on that day…

    Until then, remain in Him.

    Sending you my love and prayers,
    C. Dunamis

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    • Thank you for this encouragement. I know you are right. I shouldn’t take this personally, but it is about as personal an attack as I have ever had. Still, I believe God just used you to speak directly to me. Thank you for your obedience.

      I love that picture!

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  36. sadness and hurt was suffered by all Gods servants, we are not exempt from pain or less, we just know a little of the ‘big picture’

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  37. I don’t know you Bird and I just started reading your blog when everything started “falling apart”. Just want you to know you have touched my heart. I see you are loved and I want you to know that I am praying for you. For whatever my words are worth, stay strong. God will see you through!!

    Psalm 34:19
    New International Version (NIV)
    19 The righteous person may have many troubles,
    but the Lord delivers him from them all;

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  38. Hi Bird… I hope you are not blaming yourself, which is the feeling I got towards the end of your post. Chef was self-destructing and there was nothing you could do about it. Kicking him out sooner would not have changed the outcome IMO. It’s something inside of him that only God can heal, in His timing, if He so wills. So please don’t beat yourself up.
    You are in my thoughts and prayers.

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    • Thank you, Grace. I do feel somewhat responsible. I kept thinking I needed to kick him out…make him hit rock bottom…but even when I would do it, he could make me feel sorry for him, and within days I would let him come back home. I’m not a hard-a$$. 😦

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        • Well, the fact that God understands my motives and that they were prompted by my love for my husband, I know He isn’t holding me responsible. I can feel His compassion all around me, and that helps me a lot.

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  39. Hey Bird. You’re not broken. Wounded deeply, shattered heart, but not broken. And something to remember, when Job lost everything, there’s a chapter where he laments about his fortun, he talks of his pain and confusion, about feeling deserted but he still held n to his love for God. I’m sure tha God understands that you’re venting, and not complaining. He sees your gratitude even with all the pain, and just like Job was able to rebuild his life with God’s blessings and comfort, you will also find your time of peace and the opportunity to rebuild. <3<3<3 Maybe you could go read the book of Job for yourself this weekend and find what I haven't been able to express. Take care, i'll be praying for you!<3<3<3

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    • I’ve been thinking of Job lately. Of course, that poor guy lost a ton more than I have, but I think I’ve gotten a tiny taste of what he felt. Still, I do love the Lord, and I know with all of my heart that He has my best interests at heart. He’s already taken care of some of the financial things I was worried about, and today I feel a bit of an emotional release. I am learning to trust Him completely. I LOVE YOU! You are always right on with the advice. Thank you!!

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  40. Come on girl, you are stronger than this. You have been to hell and back. You are a survivor. Pick yourself up, dust yourself off and start living your life for you. Chef will realize someday what he is missing out on, and if he doesn’t, you just wish him the best. Focus on getting DJ the help he needs. Perhap some of this has happened so you can help your son, who knows? Just remember, God has a plan and we have to put it ALL in his hands.

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      • nope, band geek, lol. I truly understand what you are going through. Been there, done that. Something about mid-life that really sucks. My man’s came at the age of 40. He came back after a BIG reality check, and now he is like the puppy dog that won’t leave my side, hahaha. There were lots of tears, then came the anger, and finally the (pardon my language) “just f-it!!” But, as I said, God had it all in his plans. So, my friend, you too can get through this. If you need to talk to, you know where I work 😉

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        • 🙂 Thank you, Terri. I appreciate your encouragement. I think I’m well and truly finished with all of this. I like to smile. I like to laugh. I don’t need him to do those things. Time to move on and he can deal with his own disaster-area life.

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  41. Sending MUCH love to you!!!!! And I know that being broken like this is just the state of heart and soul where God’s power comes shining through the most. He loves that beautiful heart of yours. He’s not done with you. He’s not done with Chef. This is not over. Thank you for letting Christ shine through you even in your brokenness. I pray for God to provide all your needs! I pray that believers will surround you with help, support, love, hugs and tangible, material help.

    I love your faith in God and your love for your husband. Thank you for sharing your heart!

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  42. Bird, all I know, even if it doesn’t feel that way right now, is that God won’t ever test you beyond what you can endure. Be strong! Keep your back straight! God is there for you. And help will be there when you least expect it, and probably from a source that you don’t expect it to be from.

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  44. King David was honest, too, before the Lord. “O LORD G-d of my salvation, I cried day and night before thee: let my prayer come before thee; inclinde thine ear unto my cry; for my soul is full of troubles; and my life draweth nigh, unto the grave. . . Psalm 88

    Be honest. Be real. It’s okay! In the end, as Psalm 89 begins, you “will sing of the mercies of the LORD for ever: with [your] mouth [you] will make known [G-d’s] faithfulness . . .”

    The Lord is Faithful. Wait for it. Count on it. Look for it. AMEN and AMEN!

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  45. Again much love and hugs to you through this difficult time. I know that that pure of heart and those with a huge love for Jesus are sometimes tested. Stay strong. You are so loved by many. Sending you light and saying prayers.

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