Thanks, God, But I Don’t Think You Understand…

Today, I’m thinking about forgiveness. Not forgiveness for other people, but forgiveness for yourself.

To me, forgiving myself has always been my number one stumbling block. I have no problem forgiving other people for failing me, or God, or other people. Call it a self-esteemissue, or whatever, but I didn’t used to set the

For better self-flagellation…Here’s a clue: No matter what you do to yourself, physical or emotional, your blood is worthless. Only Jesus’s was worth anything.

bar all that high for my fellow human beings, so when they failed, I almost just expected it. Satan hates us all, and he’s been doing his job a lot longer than any of us have been alive. It would be embarrassing for him if he wasn’t a master at it by now! And I know how much Jesus loves all of us, so it was with heart-felt sincerity that I would lend a hand to lift my brothers and sisters up, dust them off, and encourage them to keep on trucking down their proverbial road.

But that same courtesy just didn’t apply to myself, as I felt that I knew what I was supposed to be doing, feeling, saying…but when I didn’t fulfill whatever it was I thought God wanted of me, I would plunge into a self-hatred, despairing emotional valley, and lick my wounds for days down there. And it was in one of these dark little valleys that Jesus stepped in and shone His light on what was really happening. And you know, He only had to say one word to me for it all to become crystal clear — Pride.

You see, somehow I had elevated myself over other people by thinking that while they were doomed to fail, and Jesus’s sacrifice was complete and perfect for them, somehow God expected more from me…why? Because I was better? Because I was special? And then I would fail and fail and fail. I’d hide away in my little pity party, refusing to be comforted, refusing to answer my God’s voice. And by hiding down in my valley, feeling sorry for myself, I was telling Jesus, “Hey, thanks for dying on the cross and all, but Your sacrifice just wasn’t good enough to cover my sins.” What a big, fat lie from satan, and he snuck it past my ever vigilant brain quite easily.

I deal with my shortcomings differently now, by focusing on how Jesus taught us to pray. I am always paying attention to those tiny little voices that try to convince me that I have something to be proud of…pride is too easily introduced to me, so I pay very close attention to anything that would let satan slip that one past my guards. And when I pray, I embrace the humility of being an imperfect child of God, and then forgive myself, not giving it more importance than any other sin should be given. Jesus was pretty clear in His Word, even our good works are like dirty rags to God. Nothing to be all that proud of down here… 🙂

So, today, I’m starting out my day by asking God’s forgiveness for my ever-present failings, and then I’m forgiving myself right after, and I’m going to start my day with a fresh slate — both in God’s eyes, and my own.

Hope everyone has the best day of their lives today!

— Bird

Today I wrote this What’s In A Name? at 20 Lines A Day about how I insulted a biker… 🙂

30 responses to “Thanks, God, But I Don’t Think You Understand…”

  1. Love it! (JERE 29:11) Thankful.for the blood! That no matter what I go through, or even if I make my bed in hell..HE IS WITH ME and NOTHING can separate us from.His love! (ROMANS 8:31-39)


  2. Bird, this post hit me in my prideful pants. I was just reading about this last night–what pride really looks like and how it can become Satan’s most powerful weapon against us. Combine it all with the misconception about what being humble really looks like, and I’m right here with you today.


    • 🙂 It was quite a blow for me, too. Don’t beat yourself up about it much..Satan has been doing this forever..we’ve been doing it for less than a century. A little mercy on yourself is a good thing! Thanks for sharing your own little battle with it…It makes me feel like I’m in good company!!


    • I find it easy to forgive others when I see how hard it is for me to not step on other’s feelings, by understanding how much satan truly hates us and thus uses others around us to hurt us, and by remembering that I am being judged by God in accordance with the amount of mercy I’m using when dealing with my fellow man. I need a ton of mercy, so I’m handing it out like crazy… 🙂


  3. I too have struggled with forgiveness of self due to my past. I invite you to read a post I wrote “The Freedom of Forgiving Myself”. Great post and you are a blessing to me! 🙂


  4. It can be really hard to forgive yourself, unfortunately. It’s something I struggle with quite a bit as well. I readily forgive others for things they’ve done against me (forgetting, however, is a little more difficult), but when I pray and ask God for forgiveness, I not only ask for His mercy, but also for Him to give me the wisdom and strength to forgive myself. Harboring guilt is one of the unhealthiest things we can do to ourselves mentally, and causes immense personal suffering that can impede on our living our lives to the fullest. One of God’s greatest blessings, I think, is the ability to forgive yourself 🙂


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