Insulting A Stalker – Know Who You’re Messing With

It occurs to me this evening that I have spent an unusual amount of time in my life asking myself, “Did that just really happen??” You’d think that I’d be used to weird stuff happening to me, but I’m always taken by surprise. I guess that is what makes my life so laughable even to me…

Tonight, I thought I’d share a story about how I went on 1/3 of a date with a guy, and how he then became my very first real live stalker guy.

I wasn’t allowed to date until I was 18 years old. My mom was pretty convinced that I could be kept from making any real big mistakes in life if I just stayed home where I belonged. Even though I had “boyfriends” in high school, the minute these guys realized I was permanently unavailable for any after-school activities, that I wasn’t going to kiss them much, or proceed past the holding-hands stage, they amazingly weren’t much interested anymore. I was just plain un-dateable until I was a legal adult.

I went on a couple of pseudo-dates, kind of getting the feel for the whole exercise. Then, one day at a grocery store, I ran into a guy I had gone to junior high with briefly — in Los Fresnos, named Matthew Jones. No, that isn’t his name, but let’s not wave that red flag at the crazy egomaniac if he ever wanders across my blog! Stranger things have happened! Anyways, Matthew had always been kind of the class clown in jr. high, and I had secretly had a crush on him, so when he asked me out on a date, I was psyched. I was even more psyched when he showed up in a Mustang convertible that looked like it had just that minute been driven off the show room floor. Hot!! Matt was looking all handsome in his tight jeans, fancy shirt, and a cowboy hat. I am a sucker for a cowboy hat!

Off we drove to eat at a fancy restaurant. After we sat down, it started to all fall apart. First, all Matt wanted to talk about was how awesome Matt was, how awesome Matt’s car was, how awesome Matt’s bank account was, how awesome Matt’s ex-girlfriends had been…you see the trend. Hey, I’m all about the sharing, but share something deeper than this garbage..seriously! By the end of the meal, he and I both could feel the tension. I hadn’t said but maybe three words the whole time, and I was ready for the date to be over. Matt, however, would not concede defeat, and we headed over to the movies. Inside the theater, Matt got handsy! Now, ole Matt here was maybe my third date ever, and I wasn’t ready to be manhandled. And, I’m not one to feel I owe you 2nd base because you just forked out $15 for a steak…I have better self-esteem than that! I extracted myself politely from Matt, and excused myself to the restroom. Then, using the cinema’s phone, I called home and had someone pick me up. Yes. I left Matt alone in the cinema with his ego and his popcorn.

That was the end of that, you would think, wouldn’t you? Oh, no. Evidently, Matt didn’t like that little maneuver of  mine at all. He came to my house that night and yelled at me. My mom threatened to call the police and he left. Then, he began a telephone campaign in which he called several times a day for weeks and cussed any one who answered. Finally, mom just had the phone number changed. Thankfully, that was enough to make him stop.

There is no lesson in all of this except maybe to guys who have big egos, big money, fancy cowboy hats, and drive Mustang convertibles….some of us girls aren’t so easily bought by things and cowboy hats and we sure don’t want to hear how lucky we are to have snagged you….And if you stalk us, our moms will call the law on you…Also for the girls – maybe be careful who you hack off.. you never know just how crazy someone else can get when you aren’t as impressed with them as they are with themselves…. 🙂

— Bird