What the H…, Lord?!

I had no plans to write today.

I’ve had two very hard nights and days, and I feel worn-out, grief-stricken, guilty, and a ton of other really difficult emotions for me to process. I have cried, ignored God, hid from Him, repented, forgave, and cried again. And then it would start all over again. What I haven’t been able to do is laugh or sleep. Bad combo for me.

Finally, I really prayed this morning. Well, actually, it wasn’t even much of a prayer, if you compare it with most


of the ones I read on the Blogsphere. It was more of a nebulous, “What the Hell, Lord?!”. Frankly, those are the prayers that He actually waits for me to pray. I think He gives me time to process, flip out, and then go running to Him for real help, not pity. He and I have a pattern..

I have dealt with some pretty horrific things happening to me in my life, and the ensuing emotional damage has helped introduce even more horrific behaviors to get over, and the cycle went on like that for quite a while before I decided to get off this psycho ride. And through a lifetime of studying myself to understand why I do what I do, I have been able to stay pretty focused on protecting myself from trigger situations.

But sometimes, no matter how careful you are, or how well you thought you knew yourself, satan just lines up the perfect combination to launch you back into hell. Lucky for me, I’ve got the road map back out of this emotional location…It’s a familiar spot for me. Still, it is hot down here, and sometimes it is a really lonely stretch of highway getting back…and it always begins with one Big Incident…

So, the incident that set off my most recent sorrow? I’ll tell you..

I’m one of those ridiculous people who adores her pets like my own children. When I was struggling with Empty Nest Syndrome last year, I was given Milo and Sebastian, two baby kittens to mother on. I’ve blogged about them..twice. The night before last, Sebastian figured a way out of my house through a dryer hose, and I haven’t been able to find him since. I’m pretty sure I will never know what happened to him…and that is so awful to me. My heart is broken…I’ve looked and looked, called and called…he’s simply just gone..

It seems so illogical to me that I would feel this kind of pain over a pet, but I have transferred all that nurturing stuff that I loved doing so much with my kids, to these little cats, and poof! like that, one is now gone. Suddenly, my husband, who is struggling with his own crap (mid-life crisis), picks my emotions to trigger his, and that didn’t end all that happily. There are other things, but who doesn’t have stuff come up in two decade old marriages? Still, I am a bit tired at the moment…and frankly, so is he.

Add to all of that is my fears concerning what is happening in each of my kids lives, the ages and health of my two very elderly dogs, and the general day-to-day struggles with finances, etc., and I am just overwhelmed.

I honestly don’t know what other people do in emotional crisis modes, but I hide. I can hide emotionally with the best of them. I am a professional Hider. Thus, I systematically began shutting down systems yesterday, and the process continued until my What the hell, Lord! prayer this morning.

And I thought, Okay. Change what you’d normally do. You know how this works, Bird…It’s old hat for you by now…

So, hence this long, random, weird entry on my site about some random cat and roads to hell.. ..

Now, It is time for me to get a grip…

See you tomorrow…


36 responses to “What the H…, Lord?!”

  1. Something beautiful, something good – all my confusion He understood.

    All I had to offer Him was brokeness and strife, but He made something beautiful of my life!

    This beautiful Gaither song reminds us that God understands our problems and is there to heal us when we ask.
    I will pray for your four legged child and hope he decides to come home soon. I will also pray for you and your husband, being married twenty years myself I know there are moments. I am lucky to have married my best friend and we read each other very well and adjust accordingly. I ask that His comforting hands warm your soul and help you feel better.

    Walk daily with God at your side!



  2. Some days it’s best to just take cover and veg out until the “stuff” that hits the fan settles. Mental vacations followed by prayer like you described do help when life throws us a hardship, right? Sending love and hugs your way, Bird! : )


  3. I actually know what you are talking about here Bird..I came out of this myself not too long ago and it’s really difficult..I hid for like 9 or 10 years though..and I know what you’re thinking..it’s not the same..and I’m in no way saying that I know what you are going through..but that feeling of being over-whelmed..that lonely road back..it’s familiar to me..

    I’ve got your family in my prayers tonight x


  4. Oh dear. Well, first of all, one of my friends had a kitty return after many days of wandering, in the springtime, so hopefully your little firend will, too. Second, I find that I am more sensitive when I am physically sick or weary. The mind wearies of the body’s weariness, sometimes, and so you have to be a bit gentle with yourself and try to feel better after that cold or flu. I’d tell Chef that you need a little tenderness, but I doubt he’d listen to me, especially when crisising as he is. Third, moms always worry about their kids, not matter how good those kids are. That doesn’t seem to lessen at all with age, theirs or mine. I guess that might come under accepting the things that you cannot change. Last thing: Hiding…what comes to mind is “seek and ye shall find”…peace eventually, and piece by piece. The only thing that seems to help me is to make a list of the things I can actually *do* and then one by one do those, then I feel slightly less overwhelmed. I hope you feel better soon, Bird! ~ Lily


    • This was very sweet, Lily. Chef is freaking out because I’m sad, and when he can’t fix something for me, it makes things worse for him. He sounds like he’s insensitive and callous, but he really isn’t…and he loved Sebastian, too. I know he might find his way back, but unfortunately, I live in the middle of town by busy streets…not country here. Everywhere around me is a potential danger to a small animal. That is what is just tearing me up….I knew that stupid dryer thing was questionable at best…I just didn’t get around to fixing it…stupid.
      I am trying your list thing, plus I’m making myself get something done today. And I’m talking to people. All behaviors that I normally wouldn’t do…
      This life is gonna kill me…


  5. Dear friend, I am with you. Our cat is now our baby too and she is spoiled like a child. Cats have an instinct and hopefully yours will return. I hope for your sake and the cat. I have had many cats who left for a few weeks at a time but then returned. Emotions are like a jumping on a pogo stick; sometimes you just have to jump off. Hang in there….


    • I know you’re right about cats. But when we moved over here, we had two. They went out one night and neither ever came home again….But those two were different from these. One had been left by the previous owners of house..(nice.) and the other was my daughter in Japan’s pet that really hadn’t lived with us that long. I cried about those two, but not like this. I am slowly starting to stable out a bit, but I just hate when every thing changes..again. I want the same life, with all the same characters in it, that I had on Monday. Does that make sense?
      Of course, I am getting over the flu so I’m sure that is some of it, too. I just really loved my little cat.


      • Keep the hope… I had a cat disappear for over a month once before he made his way back home. He came home fatter – I’m pretty sure he was cheating on me.


        • I’m really hoping he’s just cheating on me…I’m trying to keep the hope, but the longer it takes, the less I have. I hope tomorrow’s post can be the happy return of Sebastian.


          • I’ll send some good energy your way… maybe it will help. In the meantime, post a message about your missing cat on your facebook and/or twitter accounts and maybe call the local animal shelters. It can’t hurt, right?


            • Most of my facebook friends live 100’s of miles away, and yes, I checked the pound..no kitty of mine. I’m going to keep checking, but my feeling is that he wandered into a neighborhood behind me, and people fed him, and now he is their cat..I’m hoping, anyways. It beats the other alternatives.


  6. I’m so sorry to hear about your cat. i understand your feelings, having had a similar experience with one of my dogs awhile ago. take care. we’re all praying kitty finds his way back


  7. Hopefully he will come home to you.. I must say reading the first couple of paragraphs I felt like I was reading about my own life. I pray that your prayers are answered soon..


  8. I’ve had many of these moments. I am not sure it they are natural, but we all just find our way out. Well, God lets us wallow just as long as we need to then we snap back to reality and have our What the ‘H’ moment.

    I sure hope your kitty comes home. Praying for you.


    • As a matter of fact, I’m getting ready to post an update –I FOUND SEBASTIAN!!!!

      All those prayers for the cat, Jesus said YES! …but I did have to work for it a little..totally worth it!


  9. Bird Girl… I so feel you. Empty nest stinks, and I know what it is like when one of the cats goes MIA. My dog is my life, he is my best pal, the only one on the planet that doesn’t think I am a dumb ass… He steals my pillow and he snores.

    When you commented my page the other day, I can not tell you how much you lifted my spirits, I have been in the gutter for a while, and it is a daily struggle to stay out of it. I have gotten through a few of the blogs, so I am not going to comment them all. But I am glad you reconnected with your pussy…that was hiding in the bush… I mean brush. and I hope you feel better very very soon. I had that crap about a month ago… frick! Sanding you love ❤


  10. Oh goodness…I know what you’re going through… Not KNOW, as one person can never know exactly what another is going through, but boy, have I got a good idea! Been trough the tumble dryer myself a few times, and at moment going through some trying times again. Best of luck, but things will go well, because you’ve got an open line to God. 🙂


    • Thank you for the kind words. I am really sorry you are going through rough times again..seems like I live more in the valleys of life than on the mountaintops…but I figure that is because satan considers me a threat…cool. I did get my cat back…Thank You Lord, and as usual, Jesus showed me again why I trust Him so much… Have a good day, zelmare!


  11. Remember that the harder the trial, the greater the reward. There’s a song, “Tears Are a Language God Understands.” So when you have no words, cry. God knows what you’re telling Him. I’m praying for you. Sandy


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