I had no plans to write today.
I’ve had two very hard nights and days, and I feel worn-out, grief-stricken, guilty, and a ton of other really difficult emotions for me to process. I have cried, ignored God, hid from Him, repented, forgave, and cried again. And then it would start all over again. What I haven’t been able to do is laugh or sleep. Bad combo for me.
Finally, I really prayed this morning. Well, actually, it wasn’t even much of a prayer, if you compare it with most
of the ones I read on the Blogsphere. It was more of a nebulous, “What the Hell, Lord?!”. Frankly, those are the prayers that He actually waits for me to pray. I think He gives me time to process, flip out, and then go running to Him for real help, not pity. He and I have a pattern..
I have dealt with some pretty horrific things happening to me in my life, and the ensuing emotional damage has helped introduce even more horrific behaviors to get over, and the cycle went on like that for quite a while before I decided to get off this psycho ride. And through a lifetime of studying myself to understand why I do what I do, I have been able to stay pretty focused on protecting myself from trigger situations.
But sometimes, no matter how careful you are, or how well you thought you knew yourself, satan just lines up the perfect combination to launch you back into hell. Lucky for me, I’ve got the road map back out of this emotional location…It’s a familiar spot for me. Still, it is hot down here, and sometimes it is a really lonely stretch of highway getting back…and it always begins with one Big Incident…
So, the incident that set off my most recent sorrow? I’ll tell you..
I’m one of those ridiculous people who adores her pets like my own children. When I was struggling with Empty Nest Syndrome last year, I was given Milo and Sebastian, two baby kittens to mother on. I’ve blogged about them..twice. The night before last, Sebastian figured a way out of my house through a dryer hose, and I haven’t been able to find him since. I’m pretty sure I will never know what happened to him…and that is so awful to me. My heart is broken…I’ve looked and looked, called and called…he’s simply just gone..
It seems so illogical to me that I would feel this kind of pain over a pet, but I have transferred all that nurturing stuff that I loved doing so much with my kids, to these little cats, and poof! like that, one is now gone. Suddenly, my husband, who is struggling with his own crap (mid-life crisis), picks my emotions to trigger his, and that didn’t end all that happily. There are other things, but who doesn’t have stuff come up in two decade old marriages? Still, I am a bit tired at the moment…and frankly, so is he.
Add to all of that is my fears concerning what is happening in each of my kids lives, the ages and health of my two very elderly dogs, and the general day-to-day struggles with finances, etc., and I am just overwhelmed.
I honestly don’t know what other people do in emotional crisis modes, but I hide. I can hide emotionally with the best of them. I am a professional Hider. Thus, I systematically began shutting down systems yesterday, and the process continued until my What the hell, Lord! prayer this morning.
And I thought, Okay. Change what you’d normally do. You know how this works, Bird…It’s old hat for you by now…
So, hence this long, random, weird entry on my site about some random cat and roads to hell.. ..
Now, It is time for me to get a grip…
See you tomorrow…