Loneliness

That’s a goofy looking word. I don’t know that I’ve ever really looked at it before. It looks a little like it feels. Lopsided, takes up too much space. I think there should be a ‘y’ in there, for all the times you ask yourself that. Why? Surrounded by a world full of people, why do I feel lonely? How can it be possible to be lonely? Oh, there’s the ‘y’. In the first person. Of course.

At this juncture of my life, I thought I’d be further along, honestly. Not necessarily more successful or married,

just not here. ‘Here’ is a 23 year old who hasn’t even had a real boyfriend. Oh yeah, you could get technical and say I’ve had 2. They lasted for 2 weeks each. One I tried to set up with someone vaguely like me so I could break up with him without feeling guilty. Didn’t work, incidentally. We never even kissed. The second I dated specifically to lose my virginity. I felt that, at 22, it had become a hindrance. Either it freaked guys out-making it too serious- or made me a challenge, which isn’t nice. Also, I knew most girls have sad heart-break stories about their ‘firsts’. I hoped to avoid that by picking someone I could have no emotional attachment to. It worked. I feel nothing when I think about him. Sometimes I even forget his name.

So here I am. Alone, still. I think the love I feel for the guy I’ve written about is really just my hope for love mixed in with some affection, logic, and a touch of impatience. I’ve decided to move on. Easier said than done, I know. My brain has accepted defeat, my heart is reluctant to follow. But I have a dream that has dogged my steps for years. A wish that I’ve wished a thousand times. I want someone who fills that void. That horrible empty space that no parent or friend can fill, no matter how wonderful. I see the casual brush of a hand on a shoulder, fleeting smiles shared for private memories, hands that reach for each other at the same time. I’ve never had that right. No one has had it with me. That’s what I’m looking for. I’m probably going about it entirely the wrong way. I don’t know. I’m not looking for a lightning strike. I don’t expect to see someone and just know. At this point, the rarity of being physically attracted to someone has made it one of my main criteria. I like to laugh, so I look for that combination.

So I guess what I’m getting at is that people looking for the fountain of youth are way off in their priorities. I’d much rather find a well with water that makes you completely content to be alone. Then we’d all die off, and no one would be left to worry about not dying. And that last, lucky generation could experience a life spent free of the wreckage that loneliness leads in to.

— Bekkie