A Battle-Weary Wife

“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket- safe, dark, motionless, airless–it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable.” C.S. Lewis

I don’t know if there have been truer words spoken about this emotion we call love. As with everything else in my

life, satan is very good at delivering meaningful, purposeful blows to my life, and he has taken on my marriage recently.

I am no weak person. Through the storms of life, I have been broken and rebuilt by the Great Carpenter, and I have no doubt now that He is in charge. But to say that this isn’t a painful time for me would be a great lie. I find myself vulnerable, unable to erect protective walls against a person I don’t want to be protected against. As each day passes, I am aware that the more this proverbial house burns, the less it will be salvageable. Once the fire has destroyed so much, it then becomes a controlled burn situation, and in order to have a structure there again, it will have to be completely demolished and rebuilt from scratch. I fear that is what will have to happen in my marriage.

I hold on to my Father’s hand in all of this, and beg not for my life to be as I want it to be, but instead, I pray that He does what is necessary to save the one I love…Save him from this world, from the lies satan has told him, and most of all, save him from himself. I’ll be right here with a hammer and nail in my hand, ready to rebuild this love, once God has accomplished His will. But all the while, I know, that without him helping, there will be no rebuilding of anything…I find myself waiting for him to notice the fire…

I am awash with tears, fearful of change, and stubbornly holding on to hope….In other words, I am in yet, another battle. I hope to have my partner join me soon….

— Bird